Sigh.....feeling like throwing in

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Registered: 10-30-2004
Sigh.....feeling like throwing in
34
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 12:43pm

the towel.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 2:45pm

Hey Isys.....HUGS!!!!


Do what is best for YOU and your family, everything else will fall into place the way it should. Well said by Soccermom. I would say the same thing. I would be angry too about how he sort of dangled a carrot in your face Friday then didn't commit to taking that further and even mentioned 10 years?


I would say that it is good for you to do what is best for you, and education can only help. Why would he try and convince you not to do it? I don't get that, especially since he's not making plans in the near future for you two? I would tell him that you want to further your career and education because it is good for you and your kids, and that you are not seeing any near future committment from him so why wait. I would ask him why he mentioned those things Friday if he never meant to discuss them again.


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 4:12pm
"I would tell him that you want to further your career and education because it is good for you and your kids, and that you are not seeing any near future committment from him so why wait. I would ask him why he mentioned those things Friday if he never meant to discuss them again."
ITA with PacSun here.
I also think some guys think that when they put the ring on your finger that this means they have made the commitment whether there are actions to go with it or not. THat would definitely annoy me in your shoes. I have all the action I could ever want over here and no ring of course but truly I would be tortured the other way around.
I think you need to clarify with him whether he absolutely has no plans on meshing your life for ten years or whether he was just looking into your futures - just to be sure. There is still a chance in my head that he might have both plans but just isnt organizing his thoughts when he articulates things very well. Of course you might be right that he is dragging his feet and yanking you around but I just smell a miscommunication somewhere here.
BIG HUGS!!!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 6:22pm

Hugs, Isysmoon!!! ITA with what City said in her first post. And I agree with Rebecca and even 2.5 yrs and breaking up- is not time wasted. You've enjoyed that time, plus you've learned alot. If you guys should decide to break up, it's still an experience that gives you a better idea what you want (and don't want) and what you will look for next time.


I also don't get the whole idea of you having to put your life on hold while waiting for him. You should be able to go back to school if you want. You should be able to buy a new car if you want. That part isn't hinged on HIM... why is he making it so? I just don't know about that one. Some have suggested that it's controlling behavior- maybe so, but I'm still not sure.


I'm sorry that I don't have much to add except hugs. I know Hiker and I have been "forever dating" and not moving forward for even longer than you guys- but for now, that is okay with me. I'm not sure about selling homes and buying one together, or selling one and moving into the other's home. I just like having my own place and sharing our dating time- but not EVERYTHING at this point. And to wait until my kids are out of the picture means at least 10 yrs down the road. For his son- about 3 more years. There's so much to consider if we "move forward"... and for now, I'm perfectly okay with leaving things as they are. Maybe EG is in the frame of mind I am in... but if Hiker wanted to get more schooling, I wouldn't stop him. If he wants to buy a new car (and he has)- it's not my place to have any say-so about it! I'm not sure why EG is trying to tell YOU what you can or can't do... when he isn't wanting to do anything about the "moving forward" part either.


((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

~shrimpy


It's never too late to live happily ever after, and always be grateful for those who make our souls blossom.

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 7:25pm

OK, two things I can chime in about with some authority...

I went back to grad school when I was 37. Finished in a year and a half with a full time job and the two kids and a now ex who was SO unhelpful, didn't even congratulate me when I finished. Found out recently that my family had taken bets about how long it would take for my ex to convince me to drop out...He tried MANY times, threw the student loan total in my face over and over to tell me why this was such a bad idea. End of the day, I doubled my salary, provide me and my kids with awesome insurance, contribute to a retirement plan. My ex has no insurance, no retirement, no nothing, because he works in the...hold on to your hat...

Restaurant business. The hours are not family friendly. After 18 years of dealing with the business, I can only count on one hand the couples who make it long term when one is in the business. It is a lifestyle, not a job. Too much drinking, smoking and drug taking in that business. Your money is based on the economy, the public's whims, too many things over which you have no control.

Don't let anyone EVER tell you not to go to school to improve yourself and your financial situation if they aren't willing to step up to the plate and make a REAL commitment to you.

TEN YEARS????? You gotta be kidding.

Chin up girl...take your class

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 8:45pm

I am so sorry Isys for what you are going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 9:47pm
but if Hiker wanted to get more schooling, I wouldn't stop him. If he wants to buy a new car (and he has)- it's not my place to have any say-so about it!
Yes, but these two are engaged which is different, no? To me anyhow that changes the equation and these deicisions, though ultimately hers to make would effect both of them if they were to live together anytime soon IMO....If SYB wanted to do either of those things, I wouldnt stand in his way but I would want to be part of a conversation about it I know...
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 08-25-2008 - 10:02pm

I know- it DOES make it more important that they communicate well because of the engagement! I'm just saying that if

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Tue, 08-26-2008 - 7:46am

isys, I dont think you wasted any time with EG. I mean even if the relationship doesnt move forward then you at least learned from him. Think of how he changed your life or way of thinking. I had a relationship with an electical engineer for 3 years before I ended it. I dont considered it wasted time since he made changes to my life and since we grew during that time. Even the time I spent with the abusive jerk was not a waste since I learned from it and came out stronger from it.


I think failed relationships are just stepping stones preparing us for when the real thing comes along. So dont think of it as failures or wasted time. Its just one of the stones you have to cross to get to the other side of the river, so to speak. Do I make any sense?


Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Tue, 08-26-2008 - 8:18am

"hopefully with someone that wants to be in a relationship with me NOW and not someday."


Here Here!


That sentence speaks volumes! To me and RG and probably to a lot of others here.


Some people just live in the future. They are always planning what they are going to do in the future but as we know the future never comes. Its the ones who live in the present that get things done and make the changes in thier lives and in the world.


Laurie

anonymous
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 08-26-2008 - 9:53am
I just don't get how a couple can be engaged and then don't plan on a future for another decade? Seems like someone is getting strung along! I think he's using you for the money you contribute to do his things and when it fails, he'll cling on stronger and when it doesn't, your a gonner. I know that sounds soooo pessimistic, but it just also sounds REALLY WEIRD. Why get engaged when you aren't planning to make the commitment anytime soon? I think you've been a saint and should now focus on what's really important: You and your childrens best welfare and that is educating yourself and bettering your life.