Silence or hearing the bad? Whats 4U?

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Registered: 04-08-2003
Silence or hearing the bad? Whats 4U?
22
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 4:51am

Ok, we all know what chaos I had in my life again, because Ian gave me the total silent treatment. No dear C letter, no sentence saying I'm not interested, no nothing. I've had the truth spilled out on me, sometimes so honestly brutal that the slap in the face almost killed me, but now for the first time, I've had silence. And I feel that is almost worst.
What about you? What would you rather have and maybe an experience to share where you had wished vice versa?

Silence or Honesty?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 5:56am

Of course the honesty is better - it is a one shot deal - you have pain but then you have the answer and closure and you can move on.

I have had both. I know your pain - the silence is torturing. But guys usually don't like conflict so they just withdraw when they don't want to be with you anymore.

Try to remember it is not about you. You have never met Ian in person. And he is very engaged in his work with the stress of a war going on. It is not meant to be.

Let it go. Don't take it personally. And keep on going. This is Ian's loss.

Try to focus on your move and your own life. When you get everything into place you will meet someone who is into you. Accept nothing less.

You have a lot to offer, Catherine. You are very beautiful and you are accomplished in your career. These days of dating are hard for all of us. Dating now for me is nothing like it was when I was in my 20s. But we all have to be strong and hold our heads high.

Take good care of you. In a day or two you will be over him.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 6:49am

Oh no, don't worry, it didn't even take that long. LOL! I am over it, just pissed off and I think that's good, but I figure I had enough stress this week about him, other stuff, my hormones and one week is too long to whine about him. This is the second time he's done this to me, the first time was no real excuse, so, I doubt their is a real reason the second time, probably just a new female that's caught his eye. Basically, he can't juggle, I need a man that can juggle and balance. No, not a circus clown.LOL

It was just a question. When do you want to know and when do you rather have silence?

I had silence with Alex's father too and never knew until later. He just didn't want the conflict and still does the silent treatment when he feels he's being attacked. I did get information out of him of why he left years ago, etc., but I never found out why he came back and why he left the second time around. What the reason for all the hassle he made to get into my life again. But the second time around is always easier to get rid of them, because their image has already been scratched the first time around. I never knew if Alex's father cheated on me, to be honest, I am totally sure he did, but I wouldn't want to know for sure. I like to think that maybe he really was faithful (he never has had a longer serious relationship since me and said he never could after me-. not to mention, I doubt anyone put up with his crap as much as I did.). The idea of him being faithful to me all those years is important. He never ONCE made me feel he was scoping, looking, flirting, or wanting anyone else BUT me, no matter how bad the relationship was. A true gentlemen on that end. The rest just sucked. LOL, but I felt like a woman in his presense. Still do. He still makes me feel like I am the best woman ever and that I am a wonderful mother. He often tells me, he could wish of no other person to raise his child. But like I said, otherwise, he's scum of the earth. Sexy, charming, one of the hottest looking men I have ever seen in my life, but he's a dirt bag. Selfish to the end! It's all about him. No childsupport to Alex, nothing, but still plays the loving father by sending her a email every blue moon. Alex adores him. She thinks he's the most handsome, strongest hero anyone has as a father and it's all hers. His job as a Navy Seal makes it all the more thrilling for her. She accepts everything he does or doesn't do. I think for her, it's enough, if she can just brag a bit and her friends always tell her how lucky she is. oh well.

As for Nina's father. I was told everything, by everyone and I had hoped some of them had kept silent. It made my whole marriage look like a joke. Even straight from the beginning. The times I thought we were happiest, ended up just being a figment of my imagination, once the stories came out. I was glad I knew he was cheating on me, but to get all the details and everything, was just toooooooooo much.

So that is what I mean, by how much is tooo much? Silence or everything? Sorry I confused anyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 9:46am

Wow - a navy seal? That is so exciting!! They are so tough and so strong and would have such stories. No wonder you fell in love with him.

Okay - I just had to say that. How did you meet him?

I would rather have hearing the bad news so I could use it to grow and to know why. But most of the time we have to accept silence. I hope I answered your question okay.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 11:57am
We were childhood sweethearts. I knew his dreams and ambitions and the inside out of him. I know him to well and I also know he's severly manic depressant, but wanted to SAVE him back then. I'm glad I didn't, it wouldn't have worked. We were engaged, but he got accepted to the Seals at the same time that I was expecting Alex. So I told him to go after his dream and I would go after mine. That's why he loves me so much. I loved him enough to let go and I supported him, telling him I know I would be ok, but I wanted Alex and I know it would of been to much to have both me and Alex and the Seals. It would of been to much for me to give up my life to be a SEALS wife. I left then for Germany after Alex was born to give her the best life I could and Scott never got involved deeply with anyone again. In the end, he says I am the only person he will ever trust. When he was here 2yrs ago, he cried every night for 2 weeks in my arms. I didn't ask him a word, I just let him.
Yet!, otherwise, he forgets the times he needs us, and he gets to be a big JERK! He thinks the world revolves around him and because he is so sexy, charming, gorgeous, wild career, the women just do flips for him. I don't. That's probably always been the secret, to why he's always asking me to marry him and no else. I do often wonder, when the day will come that he does get married. Who that person will be. How that will effect me? Will I take it heartbreakingly sad, or will I be relieved that he's finally fallen in love with someone who accepts who he is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 1:26pm

Wow - what a story!!

Do you think he would get sick of the SEALS life and want to be married to you and be a father to Alex and Nina? I would think that aging would have a maturing effect on him.

Does he do anything now for his depression?

Do you think he would be less selfish now that he has matured and if you set boundaries?

I think you both sound like the love of each others lives! MAYBE you should ask HIM to help you with your move and then see what happens.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 6:09pm
This man has only gotten worse, instead of better. At least in my eyes. He is only dependable when I really need him, then he's their, but otherwise, he has a huge complex problem regarding being adopted that he will never overcome. He have the biggest love hate relationship anyone has ever seen. He told me when he came to see me " I've never loved anyone like you, I love you so much, that your the only woman I've ever wanted to kill." LOL!, Nice compliment (and it was a compliment for him), coming from a SEAL. LOL. I thought alot about that, lying in bed one night next to him, he snaps and so does my neck. Had he phrased that into "He loves me so much, that I am the only woman he would kill for." then ok, you might have a point.
We've been down this marriage thing for....16 years. I've known him 20. The last time he asked, he also bailed on me again. Not dependable. He said, that he has realized he would only cause me misery and he wants to see me happy and with him, he knows he would mess it all up.
So, it was a terrible, terrible blow on me, since he went to my MOM, his Mom, etc etc to say that he couldn't be without me anymore. Then.... he just vanished. No explanation, no real answer for 6 months and then that one. I have JUST in the 6-8 weeks, gotten over it. I mean truly over it. I can now walk away. I think because he deserted his mother mentally when she needed him most. He hasn't called her since the 31st of Dec. Before that, he was supposed to go and spend christmas eve with her, since she was all alone. Her husband, his father, left her after over 30's of marriage for another woman and married that woman within months. Patricia, Scotts Mom, had NO CLUE, none, nada. She thought they had a wonderful marriage and so did EVERYONE else. Just like that, no explanation, he just walked out and said, you ruined my life and closed the door. Never again another word. This woman, is the most wonderful person you have EVER met, she is pure gold. It shattered her and then Scott shattered her, by calling her Christmas Eve from Las Vegas, saying some girlfriend broke up with him and he decided he wanted to be with his friend for Christmas in Las Vegas. That gave me such a blow. Since then, she's decided to leave Texas and move away and leave her past behind her. It's heartbreaking. She's on of my best friends, the grandmother of my daughter and my mentor. In a way, I am glad that things didn't work out with Ian, because it gives me almost 3 weeks to be with her and let her know I love her. She sees me as Scotts wife, her daughter that she always wanted and never had and the mother of her only Granddaughter. I will never be able to get away from Scott, not from Alex and not from his mom. They love and adore him and of course I do love him in a very strange way, but I have let go. For the first time, after he put me through such mental anguish, I have let go. Now I just have pity for him. I think having pity is a good thing. I don't feel sorry for him, I just have pity for him. He has built his walls and he has punished me, his mother and his daughter for something that was out of our hands. The women he loves the most. I've done all I could. I've tried all I could to remind him that one day he will be all alone and he will want Alex in his life. Alex will turn around one day and say " Who are you? Where have you been? What have you done for me? You didn't care, you never took care of me. You let me rot. The only person who was their for me was Mom. No christmas presents, no birthday presents, no child support, just a few emails that said you loved me more than God knows." I know this, because I know what I feel for my Dad, after he let to rot, but I made it and so will Alex and one day, when he's old and lonely, like my Dad starts doing, then he's going to want his Alex. I haven't forgiven my father. Now just out of my childhood, but because even when I was sick with cancer, he didn't care. Not a call, not anything. Scott is doing the EXACT same thing to Alex. I love my father, but I will not be put through anymore pain. I can only hope, that I can give Alex something to make her grow up to be a strong woman and that she will not let her bitterness towards men make her have wrong judgements. I have made wrong judgements from my own father by my relationships. I let a HUGE father figure role that I loved and adored ruin me. Same exact story with Nina. Only sadder. But Nina is a different category. She steps over bodies in everything she does. She is strong and she takes no crap from no one. Since the day she was born, she wore the pants and made the decisions. Not Alex, she is like her pictures, the Angel and Nina like her pictures the Devil. But I would never ever change that. They are me. The two sides of me and no in between. I have a very good side and a very bad side. Anyone will get one of those from me, or both, but never the grey, I see only the black and white of things. The good and the bad. Nina isn't bad, but she doesn't have that heart like Alex does. She would think of saving herself before she saved anyone else and Alex would save everyone else, before she saved herself. Those kids "myprecioustwo". That's where my handle comes from. From the lord of the rings "My Precious", only I have two of them that I live and fight for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 6:51pm

Wow. Thanks for sharing your story. You are very tough and I can see that you have had to make some very tough decisions along the way but you have good instincts for you.

You are so young to be all alone with 2 childrean and to have been through all of that. You must feel like you have lived a thousand years - I know that is how I feel when I am having a bad day and a shot of pain tears through me from my divorce and from the way I feel so alone as a single mom.

I hope you don't lose the little girl in you and that somehow you can have faith.

Better days will come for all of us here. I just know it!!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 7:05pm
Yes, I do often feel like it's too much and I don't want to forever be doing it alone. I made that decision though. I could of said "No, I am deciding to get an abortion or put my babies up for adoption." I knew early enough from both fathers, that it was over. The days when it gets really bad, I know, what keeps me going, what keeps me living are my children. I have more then most people will ever have. It's just those bad days, the hard times reminding yourself of thatk, when you rather just be calling for a rubber room. Remembering that even though it is hard, you also have something wonderful, your children, that is worth it all. You are their main person, you are the person that they trust to protect you, that love you unconditionally like no other can. I would like to have a man, I don't need a man. I think it's one of the toughest jobs in the world to be a parent, but a single parent raising your children all alone is the toughest of all. To make sure they have enough love and nourturing of two parents, when it's just yourself doing it. To be their mentor, to grow up and be secure and happy children, with a outlook, that they weren't lacking in a healthy family. Just a smaller family.
The responsibility is hard, so I do find myself crying sometimes, cursing the girls fathers, getting angry, feeling like a victim. I have to say, these last years, I have found myself to do that more and do that in other things, then just my private life. Sometimes, when so much happens, it's harder to keep picking up the same mess or dealing with a bigger mess. It gets tiring. Sometimes you just want a maid to pick the mess up for you. LOL
Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 7:52pm
Your post made me cry when I read it. (:(
But it also gave me HOPE (:)
for a better day.
Thanks!
Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 8:41pm

My first bf, the first time I was with anyone, we were so close. Even when he went away for the summer for work, we talked every day and wrote letters almost every day. I was 17, he was 23. When he dumped me, it was nothing. One day he just wouldn't answer the phone and no more letters. I was more than devastated, I was incapacitated. For 5 days I ate nothing and did not leave my room. I remember it was 4th of July weekend and my friends came by to drag me kicking and screaming out of my room. I refused. I kept calling and would just let the phone ring and ring. Finally after a couple weeks his roomate answered and told me he was seeing someone else, and that he felt really really bad for me. He said the way my bf had always talked about me, he felt if my bf could just see me he'd come back to me, but that wasn't possible. So I went on with my life.

From that point forward I did not get emotionally involved in any relationships (I realize this in hindsight and through therapy). I picked men who needed me so if the relationship was going to end - I would be the one who ended it. It kept me from feeling hurt. The problem is it also kept me from feeling love.

I think the experience with my first bf reminded me a lot of being 11 and having my father kill himself and not leave a note. For years I told my mom that it must have been an accident (he accidentally left the car running as he sat in the garage) because I knew he loved me and he would have at least left me a note. I was in severe denial for this reason. Some of you may be familiar with the process of grieving and that one of the stages is anger (third stage maybe?). Well it took me from age 11 to age 18 to reach the anger stage - that was the first time I was able to even contemplate that it might have been suicide. I was shocked to learn I was the only one who thought it was anything but (including my little sister, who was just as shocked to learn I thought it was an accident). The point being, this experience created huge abandonment issues in me.

The person I had an affair with at the end of my marriage (note for those who missed it when I posted, I do not think what I did was right, but I also don't hide the fact I made this horrible mistake) dumped me in the same way. Not responding to emails, not returning calls, short phone calls when he did talk to me... then nothing. Totally cut off. I thought I was going to die (did not have the benefit of hindsight or therapy at this point). I don't think I loved him but this relationship was important to me (I thought at the time, now I'm grateful that it ended). Once I got through it, I realized he didn't care for me, it was all just an illusion, and that no matter how much pain I was going to experience from a breakup, I would not die. This was a very important lesson for me to learn.

So now I am in this relationship with my bf. I am completely exposed to getting hurt. I know this. I love him and I purposefully make decisions that 1) allow the relationship the chance to work and 2) do not compromise my life, my financial stability, my ability to be the best mom I can be. And in the end if I get hurt, I will get through it, I will be stronger, and I will take the lessons from the relationship with me.

I haven't really answered your question. I have always either been the dumper or I've been cut-off with no explanation (I have no idea what it would be like to have too much information). I hate hate hate no explanation. I feel it shows a lack of respect and is cowardly. I have been so afraid (many times) that my current bf is dumping me when I haven't heard from him for a few days. Usually I'm fine because we have always gone days between talking since the beginning of the relationship, but sometimes that fear of abandonment creeps in and I just know it's happening again. But as it turns out, I've been wrong every time. I really believe (in my head, maybe not so much in my heart) that my bf will be honest with me if he decides this relationship is not going where I want it. I really hope that is the case. If not, to me it will mean he has no respect for me.

Note: If you've just gone out on a couple dates, then I think cutting off contact is not so bad. It's when you're in a relationship that I think it shows a complete lack of respect.




Edited 1/30/2005 12:47 am ET ET by firstamendment

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