Silly Question - How Do You Know (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Silly Question - How Do You Know (long)
11
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 1:42pm
I want to ask kind of a silly question. Everyone here on the board has been so supportive of me over the past week with the passing of my cousin and all the trauma I was going through, that I thought, why not put the question on the board and see what everyone thinks. This is for the single moms who have remarried or are happily with a SO. I would especially like input from those people who have been betrayed by an ex like with cheating. (I think it's different when a person goes through a divorce that's mutual on both sides and when it's not mutual because of cheating, etc.). Here's the question: How do you know when you meet someone if he's the "one" -- if it's the real thing? I know that sounds like a question a teenager would ask, but I have a legit reason for asking it. I've been hurt in the past, like many of the women who post on this board. My ex-husband cheated on me and left me for his girlfriend; my first BF after my divorce cheated on me and married my little sister; and my next BF was abusive. I don't have much confidence in my ability to pick men. I always seem to find the frogs. How do you not let the hurts of the past interfere with your future?

The reason I am asking this is because I am dating a man who is great. We get along great and we have a great time when we are together. He was VERY supportive of me this whole week -- he called me every night to make sure I was ok and to talk about how I was feeling. I can truly say that I have never met anyone like him. He's different than anyone I ever dated. We have built a strong friendship and we are able to talk to each other about anything. When we met we decided to not rush things (which was always my downfall). He hasn't met my kids yet, but he has talked to them on the phone and we are trying to plan a time for them to meet, but he has been out of town a lot lately, and I myself haven't seen him in about 6 weeks. I have always let him take the lead with phone calls and dates, so as not to pressure him, and that seems to work well for us. I can say that I'm a different person that I was three years ago when my first relationship ended and even a year ago when my last relationship ended. I know I wrote in a post recently that I think in the past I wore my heart on my sleeve and got duped by men who wanted to take advantage of someone. I really don't think this is the case with Mark. Neither of us ever dwell on the past too much. We look to the future, which is way different than the way I used to be. I have a lot going on in my life, and I'm not sitting by the phone or pining for anyone like I used to. And I think this change in attitude shows. I'm more confident, relaxed and fun to be with (at least I think I am). This time around, I have tried to not fall head over heels. I've tried to be cool, cautious and not rush things and just let things take their course (which is so out of character for me). But I will admit that there are times that I really think he's my soulmate. (I know that sounds stupid).

Unfortunately, I have a habit of remembering past hurts. I know I wrote in the past that I was with someone that I don't even know if he ever loved me even though he said he did. That was the guy who married my sister. And the reason I say that is because the last time I talked to my sister three years ago, she told me Rick never loved me, he never wanted to marry me. I was devastated by those words. He always told me he loved me and we talked about marriage. Since that time, I'm not real trusting of what men say to me.

For the first time, I think I actually found a "prince" instead of a "frog" and I don't want to blow it. I'm just very scared of being hurt again. Last night on the phone Mark told me he loved me. I didn't say anything, but the first thought that popped in my head was "Yeah, right, I've heard that before". I know that's awful, and I shouldn't do that, but I couldn't help myself. I know that I am not really in a clear state of mind -- I'm still in a kind of funk since the passing of my cousin. That's why I thought I would like to get someone else's input. What's the matter with me? Am I crazy? I have the potential for something good, and I'm doubting it. Yes, I want to be careful, but I don't want to be so untrusting that I never take the chance to meet someone good. Has anyone else ever been in this position? What did you do? How did you get over it? I know I sound kind of goofy, it's just that I'm confused. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Donna

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Avatar for whyscracker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 1:11pm

I'm not a big believer in "the One" I think that any two people with sufficiently common values who have a strong commitment to make it and have a good foundation of desire for the other's company can be blissfully happy for a long time. That said, there is the question of what motivates a "strong commitment"? I think if you feel that with him and he shows through non-verbal language that he has the same commitment, you two probably have a good chance. I say "non-verbal" because 97% of commincation is there. It also takes time to learn about history-and the best predictor or future behavior is past behavior. It also takes time to mutually get to know friends and family and how each of you relate to them. Personally, I think if a man is not as peace with his mother-but not too close!, he's not worth an LTR.


BUT

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