Similar question - opinions please
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| Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:54pm |
So, we've asked the right questions and were trying to get to know each other. What next? Keep dating? He has said both times we went out that he enjoyed being with me, and I agree. I guess that at this stage of my life, being that I'm almost 40, I'm kind of looking for someone that I could have a potential long-term relationship with. I'd like to get married again, if the right person came along. I don't see him fitting into that picture. I would never marry anyone who was married three times previous. Yikes!! It's just that together the two of us have enough baggage to fill an airport, and he has more baggage than me! Personally, I wouldn't mind seeing him as a friend, like an occasional dinner or movie, because we do get along very well together. But I know that "let's be friends" is a dreaded word to guys. I know when my last BF told me that we would be "lifelong friends", I was hurt because I had hoped we could be so much more.
Has anyone ever been in this kind of a situation before? This is new for me. I'm usually the one who gets dumped. Like I said, I don't want to dump him, I just don't want to be his "girlfriend" in a romantic sense of the word. Friends, yes. FWB I could maybe do, because he is attractive, but I don't think I'm cut out for that. I know me and my past history -- I get too attached when intimacy is involved, and that would be a bad thing for me because I would probably fall for him even though I don't think he's exactly right for me. So, I'd like to avoid that all together. Am I making any sense?
Here's another twist to the story. He is a self-employed carpenter. He just finished a couple of big jobs, and he's worried about having any more work to do. All his jobs come from word of mouth. I was thinking of asking him to do some work around my house that he could do in between his big jobs. I know he would be capable of doing the work, because I've seen his work, and he's very good. I intend on paying him, it's not like I expect it for free. How bad does this sound though, "I don't want to be your girlfriend, but I want to hire you go work on my house". Is that tacky, or am I just over-analyzing this? I'm really a nice person, and I don't want to hurt anyone. I suppose I could be honest with him and tell him I just want to be friends, and let the decision be up to him. If that's not ok with him, he can choose not to see me again. What would you guys do? I would appreciate any input. Thanks.
Donna

I would dump him based on these facts:
1) the age bothers you
2) the fact that he has been married and divorced three times bothers you
3) the fact that he doesn't picture himself with you (hence the statement so early on that you would dump him for someone younger AND the judgement that you are conservative/serious - he should put that in a more positive tone)
4) the negative talk about all three ex wives
5) the fear of not getting the next job
This is way too much negativity for so soon. DUMPOLA is the plan - you have to weed them out quick and move on. And it would do YOUR ego good to be the dumper instead of the dumpee.
I would not hire him for any jobs or be friends - it is all too awkward, especially with a delicate male ego - and quite frankly I don't think you would want someone to do that to you.
Just move on and let it be. You don't owe him anything. Best not to waste either of your times.
If you want to get married then you must not be FWB. NO NO NO.
Just my 2 cents. Hugs to you - you are doing so well.
Don't do the FWB thing. That never works out. Don't see this guy again. Too many red flags. The age difference bothers you. He has been married THREE times. And, the job thing is a big no-no.
I hate the guilt trip thing when he said that he knows you'll dump him for a younger guy. Don't waste any time on this guy. Just tell him that the two of you don't click. Don't feel bad about it. Guys move on so fast when they aren't interested.
Tricia
Run, run away. Not so much for the age difference but the divorced 3 times and he's talking badly about them, yep, huge red flag. Noone gets divorced 3 times all on their own, okay?
I definitely would not ask him to do the carpentry work at your house. You'll never get rid of him and it is a little well, I dont' want to say tacky but you know. Just not kosher.
Throw him back in and get out that fishing pole. ;)
Hugs
Tara