Single DAD and dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Single DAD and dating
10
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 10:26am

I know that this might not be the best board for this but there's no other on iVillage that comes close enough. Basically, I've met this wonderful man and while I don't have any children, he's the one with an 8-year-old son. I really like him and see myself continuing to date him as we connect on so many levels.

However, I've never dated someone with a child and have no idea what it's like to be a single parent and show a man that I understand what it's like, and I would like to. I sort of got a taste of it when he cancelled our first date together due to something that came up with his son and I handled it gracefully by rescheduling and not getting upset. And I know things like that will come up in the future if we continue to date because he has joint custody with the mother of the child.

So to the women on this board, can you give me any advice on how to handle a relationship with someone who's a single parent and how to make them feel that you care about what it's like even though you can't relate? When he brings up his son and the joys as well as difficulties that come along with being a single parent, I don't say much because I really don't know what to say. He became a dad in his early 20's so I think that even makes his case more special because he had a lot of responsibility placed on him at an early age. What kinds of things would you recommend doing to convey that you understand and that you care?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 12:06pm

There is also a Dating as a Single Parent board that some of us dualy (is that a word) participate in as well, but you are certainly welcome here!! This is a really supportive and kind bunch of people and we do have some guys every so often.

I wouldn't worry so much about trying to understand what it's like to be a parent by feeling like you need to be in his shoes. I would simply make the goal to be able to understand if he needs to cancel, back out, or needs space for he and his child. Which it seems you already have a handle on, so that's half the battle. Many of us have been in a situation where the guy tries to make us feel guilty for backing out--and some have even accused us as using the child as an excuse! As you can guess, that doesn't earn too many points in their favor!! ;) And a lot of times, WE are just as disappointed that we have to cancel! No one wants a big scoop of whining on top of it! Hee hee.

Just be a friend as well as a dating partner and as long as you are respectful of his situation, your nervousness will fade. Just give your relationship time to grow. In situations where you don't know what to say, I would simply acknowledge that you are glad that he is able to confide his feelings to you and you are there for him to vent to anytime. That's the important part--that as long as you two are friends and have trust with each other, everything else will follow.

best of luck and please feel free to post with us anytime,

--snow

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 1:29pm

"And a lot of times, WE are just as disappointed that we have to cancel!"


I agree Snow!


Hi Ising and welcome to the board.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 05-28-2006 - 2:01pm

I'd do two things if you want to understand his POV and also have an idea of what you might face dating someone with a child.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Mon, 05-29-2006 - 8:44am

Dear Ising,


I'm glad you came here for support and to learn!

Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 8:08pm
Thanks for all the responses. We've only dated for a month and a half so we're not official but so far, everything feels so right and I feel things can only get better. We met on the subway of all places! I just wanted to start things off on the right foot because I know he's had a hard time finding women who are open to his situation and since he's such a great guy, I want to be different from them. He's very sensitive and empathetic to the things I tell him so I feel bad that I can't be empathetic when it comes to his son at times even though I want to be. I guess I will play it by ear and communicate with him in the future any doubts I may have about understanding him. Again, thanks for all the support and great resonses!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 1:52am

I'm a single father, been on and off this board for years. In fact, when I first came here, none of the present regulars had yet arrived. I've only been lurking for the last 8-12 months, though.

It is true that you can find things out about single parenting on this board, but it is also true that there are differences between being a father and being a mother. Those differences have to do with the differences in men and women and they may or may not apply in particular situations or to particular people.

I'm not going to detail my situation, but for a while I was sole parent for my 4 kids and then was some sort of mixture of shared/sole guardian for them.

Several things I want to point out with which I have had to deal:

- having a pet is not "just like a child". Anytime I heard that from a childless woman, I instantly erected a granite wall between us,
- there is a lot of anger that many men have towards "the system" which makes them into part time fathers, giving the preponderance of child rearing time to their ex,
- the pain of being separated from your child is sometimes unbearable, but as a man, you aren't allowed to show it.

My kids range from 15 to 27 now, the divorce has been final for 10 years, the day my ex remarried was one of the happiest (most relieved?) of my life AND the ex has now been dead for a full year. But just writing this stuff brings back rage and anger at having my kids taken from me. That too is part of being a single father.

A man that is a good father will put his kids ahead of you. If he is a good father, he will expect you to put your kids ahead of him (and have no respect for a woman that doesn't). If you are thinking of him as marriage material, look at the sort of father that he is now and remember that is what sort of father he would be to your children.

I'm sorry, I meant to offer some helpful advice, but this subject opens scars that may never heal. That too is part of being a single father.

Michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 6:51pm

Michael... thank you for sharing that.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 8:11pm

This is a little off topic now, but I agree too. In my situation I had a man who very much hated to be apart from his child. His biggest fear was that I would fight him for sole custody, even though I reassured him many times I would not.

We had a 50-50 parenting plan as well. I would not allow it to be any less on either of our parts and we made it work. I didn't care how he treated me because he was very good to her and I would have never deprived either of them of that.

--snow

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 4:01am

Getting back on topic, the OP asked for advice about how to show an understanding of what it's like to be a single father and how to handle the relationship. I brought up some points that I felt were peculiar to single fathers which I think are not generally thought of. Women that have to deal with single fathers often run into these things, but they aren't part of the stereotype of single fathers.

In general, I would also say that when dealing with a single father, the same rules apply as apply to dealing with anyone else. You listen, you don't jump to conclusions, you allow them to be who they are instead of who you want them to be. Since I don't deal with a lot of women, I can't say about them. But men seem to want someone they can trust at their back (you stand up for them when they aren't around, no gossip or backbiting about them), someone who will support them in trouble and will be honest with them about their mistakes in private (NEVER in public!).

If you move towards marriage, you will never become that child's mother. But you should always be an adult to them, showing the love, responsibility, authority and modeling of character that an adult is supposed to show to a child.

I think most of these are things that would apply to a man dating a single mother as well, or even to dating someone who has no children. Most of them even apply to just being a true friend.

Michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 10:54am

You can respect his obligations to his son. At this stage, I would focus on getting to know him. I would not try to win the son over to get to the dad. That's a common mistake that nonparents make.

I would caution you that if he cancels too many dates on you, then he might not be that into you. If you sense that he's never available for dates, then he might be using his parent status to get out of having a real relationship with you.