Single dad with kids
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| Fri, 07-20-2007 - 4:50pm |
Hi all,
I couldn't find an appropriate forum to post my question, but since you have children and are dating, maybe you could enlighten me...
I am divorced, 35 and at a point in my life where I would like to meet someone who treats me right and who I can have a long term relationship with.
About 6 months ago, I met someone who was going through a divorce. He has two kids. He didn't want the divorce, so he was going through a rough time. We kept in touch as we train for races with the same group.
We saw each other again recently. I was in the middle of a breakup and we went out for dinner, not thinking we were on a date. As the night went on, we realized how much fun we were having and how much we had in common...the evening turned into one of the best I've had in a long time...
Long story short, we've been seeing each other often, we have kissed a bit, we haven't slept together, but have talked about it...he has joint custody of his kids and I admire him for what he does for them. Great guy. Seems honest and one of those few "good guys" left out there....
Well, today, he informs me that he had a vasectomy and he doesn't want to have any more kids. I don't have any of my own, and even though I'm in no rush to have any at this point in my life, I don't want that decision made for me. He told me he is heartbroken because he really, really likes me, but he's not going to change his mind. He told me I would understand if I had my own kids and I replied that if I stayed with him I wouldn't have that chance....he is still trying to convince me to give him a chance, and he says I'm never going to find Mr. Perfect. I told him I agreed, but that what he was asking me to give up was huge. I asked him how he would feel if we started dating and I told him I hated kids and he couldn't see his...
Am I being ridiculous? I don't really know what to do, because I'm giving up a great guy...
HELP!



Unfortunately, I think having kids is one thing you can't compromise on. If you want your own children then you should not stay with him.
I cannot imagine not having my son - he is the greatest joy I have ever known. I would take him over a man any day.
And if you are 35 you might not feel in a rush - but your clock is ticking. Because ideally you really should try to have them before 40. A man who wants to meet a woman to have kids will want a woman under 40. And under 40 brings more fertility and fewer complications.
It stinks when you really like someone and then you find out they have a deal breaker. Been there done that - many times.
I hope my perspective helps with your difficult situation. I am sure the others will chime in with their experiences. Glad you stopped to visit us!
First of all WELCOME and without seeming I'm being rude or a biotch I am going to say this:
NEXT!
This guy of course has a lot of NERVE to be asking you to not have your own children, because HE already has his.
Second of all. Vasectomy's are reversable and in the event you go down that road, I would make sure he get's a reversal before you get a ring on that finger.
This guy might be a lot of fun, but it sounds very selfish and inconsiderate.
HOW DARE he says to you that you won't find MR. PERFECT! And what? He is? Wrong! He's fixed, he ain't perfect.
So getting off my very angry soap box, I would tell him to go on a FREAKING hike.'
Big hugs, I'm usually not that mean ;-) and I hope you let us know what you decide.
What stinks the most is that he is fantastic with his kids...he is such a great dad. I am in no rush to have kids, so if he had said "hey, I got a vasectomy, but I would consider reversing it for the right person and the right circumstances" then I would have been all over it...just a bit of hope...I'm not planning on marrying this guy or have his kids because we just started dating, but c'mon! You can't give me such an ultimatum from the get go...although I am glad he did...ouch!
Thank you all for your advice...I wish this guy wasn't so narrow minded...
Hi there, and welcome to the board!
I think you're right, this is huge.
I personally don't think a relationship can work if one person knows for absolute certain that they want children and the other knows for absolute certain that they don't want and (or anymore).
However, if a couple marries and then finds out that one of them is unable to have children, it often works. There are options- adoption, a surrogate, or simply deciding not to have children.
If you knew you loved him, had been in a relationship long term, and were planning on forever, would it be a deal breaker if he was unable to have children?
I think you have to ask yourself how important to you children of your own are. How willing to never have any you are. How much you like him, and if you're willing to see where this goes, knowing if it goes anywhere, you'll never have those children.
Also, MAJOR credit to him for being honest with you this early in the game, knowing full well it may end a good thing. I respect his honesty, even if it turns out that you end the relationship.
Moody, who will gladly rent out her children for a few days!
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Didn't you say he is *going through* a divorce? So he is still married and dating?
I think it's VERY premature to plan anything long term with someone who is not even divorced yet.
Nuff said.
Mark
Honestly, I think it was good that he said that from the get go. Imagine if it were 6-9 months down the road. You're really in deep with him-and his kids. And he says "nope, no more kids"...
You have to decide what is important to you. If you really want kids, then you have to continue in your search. dont fault him....but dont sacrifice yourself either.....
I may disagree with most, but if that is your only obstacle, I would say date for now, and see how it goes.
I do have two kids -so I cannot relate- but I can relate as to how an obstacle can be a problem - but you need to pursue it. You are 35 , and most men you meet will probably have kids. If you do eventually fall in love & get married, he may change his mind.
My neice is adopted, and I can't imagine anyone in my (or my ex's) family loving her less. I think if I did not have kids, and was involved with someone with kids - I don't see where blood ties matter.
I love my ex-husband's neice as much as I love my own neice - and she is from Russia - not related to any of us.
If you do become serious, you may feel the same way about his kids. At our age, men are very slim-pickin's, and if you meet a man who loves his children - what could be more sexy?
Still married?
Narrow-minded ... selfish.
I have to say that if you really want to have children, it is time to move on. Don't get too involved with someone that doesn't. You may change your mind about children and not have any. But you need to find someone on the same page as you.
I am a single mom with children and can say that I definitely don't want any more. I'm more than willing to date someone with children but to start with another baby, out of the question. I know what I don't want, believe him when he says he doesn't want any more and move on.
Priscilla