Single dads w/ full custody
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| Sun, 10-02-2005 - 7:15pm |
There's a guy that I've known for about a year that expressed interest in me after he left his wife in June, so we started talking to decide if we wanted to give dating a shot. He came over to my house 3 or 4 times, always after his 3 kids were in bed. He'd call me occasionally after they were in bed, as well. Well, after about a month, it kind of faded out, as he was so busy he didn't really have time to date anybody.
Well, the other day, he kind of started flirting with me again, and sort of alluded to the idea of us trying to get together again. I'm so confused, and don't know what to do. His kids are 5, 7, and 9, and he has full custody of them, b/c mom's basically a deadbeat. She didn't want to take care of them when she was a stay at home mom, and wants them even less now. So he's all on his own, which, I would imagine is very hard on a person.
The thing is, although I've never dated anybody with kids before, I'm at the stage in my life where I'm ready to be a part of a family. I left my husband in March, so we both kind of know what each other's going through in the divorce respect, but he's got a lot more going on b/c of his kids. We're both looking for that "comfort" and "family" thing, so I'd be content to spend time with him and his kids doing family friendly things like going to the park, watching Disney DVD's, going to his son's soccer game, etc. rather than going out on fancy grownup dates to the movies and nice restaurants.
However, he obviously doesn't want to introduce me to his kids this soon, which I completely understand, but he has problems with fitting me in otherwise, so how are we supposed to get to the point where we have a relationship committed enough for me to meet them? If we go back to the same pattern we were in before, I'd see him MAYBE once every 2 weeks for an hour or so, and talk to him maybe once a week on the phone.
Is this even something worth persuing?

I see a few issues here that are cause for alarm or at least reasons to put on the brakes.
1) you are both not yet divorced
2) you are not over your divorces
3) he leaves the children who are young alone at the house to come to yours
4) the only thing you have in common so far is that you both want the comfort of home. I believe that the comfort of home comes with major compatibility on many things - common activities, religious beliefs, money beliefs, raising children, common goals in life. I am afraid you are putting the cart before the horse. I think you should have time for him to court you - take you out - want to impress you - and have casual dating and getting to know each other before "playing house". I think you are both craving the comfort of home because of the pain and disappointment of your divorce.
To answer your question about is "this worth it" - I think not right now. It is all about him and his needs and the divorce right now. Maybe later on you both could be in a better place.
If you think you have compatibility on these things and you like him and want to give this a chance then you should give it major time so you both get through your divorces and get your lives settled. You will have to give it more time after that to get to know him and see if it will work before you get to spend time with him and the kids.
All relationships are a risk - there is no guarantee. I think you can lower your risk by being a great person and feeling good about yourself alone before you take on the task of dating - that way you will make a better choice.
I hope this helps - the others will probably have good advice, too. Welcome to our board!
LOL
Sorry, I didn't make myself clear in my original post...
Our divorces just both became final, his last week and mine last month. And when we first started talking, his sister was staying with him temporarily, so she was there to watch them after they went to bed so he could come over. He's a great father, and would never dream of leaving them alone. He doesn't even let his son ride his bike across a street alone...
And as for being over our divorces, I can't speak for him, but I was over my husband when I left him...I had been emotionally out of the relationship for about a year, I just hadn't been able to physically leave the house/marriage b/c of financial issues. I've always hated the whole "dating" and "courting" thing...I hate when you have to be on your best behavior to try to impress each other. He and I have known each other so long and in such a capacity, that we're good friends already, and past the whole "let's try to woo each other" phase.
Hope that sheds some extra light on the situation...
I'm going to assume here that when he's coming over after the kids are in bed, then he's got a sitter there with them, right? If not, then he's violating the law, as only children over 12 are allowed to be home alone.
That aside, I agree with Judy that you seem too eager to find comfort here and play house, rather than allowing yourself time to heal from your split and finalize the divorce.
I think that if you're serious about this guy, then you give it time and you do take it slow- even if that means you talk with him on the phone more than you see him for a while so that he can fit you into his schedule with his kids.
Also, I would NOT press meeting his children, he will introduce you when he's ready, and when he feels his children are ready. Remember, you might be over your ex, and he might be over his- but his kids are probably still adjusting to *losing* their mom. She was a SAHM, so the kids are used to having her around, even if she didn't have much to do with them. And even with a less than perfect parent, kids sometimes think the world of that parent. So, let him feel you out and introduce the kids when he feels they're ready. It's his job as the parent to protect them, and he will want to ensure that there is a solid possibility of a relationship with you before they meet you so they are not hurt if the two of you don't work out. Make sense?
So, give it a go and see what happens, but let him set the pace a little. That doesn't mean that you give him full reigns, you do have a right to speak up your wants, but just let him make the decisions about his kids.
Good luck, hope you'll stick around and give us updates.
Alison
Building a relationship takes time.
Well that is certainly a slightly better picture.
I do want to clarify what I mean about courtship and dating. I think it helps determine if a man is ready for a relationship.
When a man is attracted to a woman and has genuine interest in her and is that into her he usually attempts to impress her by taking her to places he thinks she will like - he dates her and courts her.
On the other hand if he just wants sex or a hangout buddy than that is what he does. In my dating experiences, I have found that men just coming out of a divorce just want what is convenient for them - they want someone to be there when they are lonely. They want sex. But they don't really want to go further - to fall in love or to have a relationship.
In my opinion I think you would be better off waiting for someone who is that into you and who doesn't have all of these other urgent issues. Otherwise it is going to be all about him and what he needs and you are going to get frustrated.
But of course that is easy for me to say because I am not you and I don't like him. You have to decide what is right for you. Maybe you can go slow with him but keep your eyes open and casually date other people, too.
I posted a reason why it is best to wait after a divorce to start dating. I do think your situation sounds okay - but his is obviously a different story because of the children involved and their ages.
Here is a link to that post:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsolomother/?msg=8410.12
Good luck with whatever you decide - feel free to come and ask for our support if you should need it!!
He's not making any time to date you. I'd say it's a dead end, for now.
Yeah, sure, he's a busy parent. Maybe too busy to date you. I'd keep looking. <<>>>