Single Mom? Awwww....you poor thing!
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Single Mom? Awwww....you poor thing!
| Fri, 03-09-2007 - 6:46am |
Am I the only one who gets annoyed with this statement? It's been a while since I posted but you ladies always have great feedback. One thing that drives me crazy is the "Poor single mom status" that I get. I know people mean well but I can't stand it when people say, "You're a single mom? Oh that must be sooo hard." Actually, it's not that hard! I'm not sure why this sense of pity bothers me so much but it does and a lot of times I'm just not sure how to react. My gut reaction is to say something shocking to get that look of pity off their face. Yes, I'm a mom and I currently do not have a husband but I have a great job, and an amazing child that I get all to myself most of the time and well....after doing this for only about 2.5 years, I'm used to it. Is it challenging at times not having someone else there to share everyday struggles with? Yes, but don't we all have struggles to deal with? The day my son (who is now 4) was born I remember whispering in his ear, "No matter what happens it will always be you and me against the world" and that's the way I see our life. Would it be nice to be married again? Sure, but it's not something I NEED right now. So please excuse my rampage but I had to post this somewhere. Anyone else with me on this? What is your reaction when people say this?

It used to bother me - and I know EXACTLY how you feel. But I have been a single mom for going on 8 years this summer and am quite used to my status. IN fact, I think I see more benefits to being single than not - which is scary.
I have enough money for the two of us, don't have to ask for anyone's approval to do what I want to do, and don't have expectations of someone else that get disappointed. I have a lot of freedom and am making the most of it - with travel, my sports and goals. I have so so much freedom!
If someone said that to me now - I would say NOT - I am happy and have adjusted/adapted quite well, thank you! And I would have a smile on my face. It really wouldn't bother me. Most of my friends know I am living a good life so I don't think they would mention this or see it that way.
One of the things I have liked about being a single mom is that it has given me the opportunity to meet and mingle and speak with a lot of people I would not have met had I been married. It has given me empathy and understanding for people in this world who have adversity in their lives.
Being married can be a wonderful thing - or a living hell. And being single can be the same, too. I don't believe there is only one ideal way to live life - and the happiest people are those who make the most out of what they have. It really is all in our head. And we have to grow the flowers in our own garden instead of envying other gardens.
Oh - and one more thing - a MAN does not define ME! I mean, when you realize how they are such visual creatures and usually take the path of least resistance - it is crazy to me that a whole family would hinge on this - depending on a man and just being a homemaker/wife. That requires more trust in someone than I could ever have again - I love being able to support myself.
Just my .02.
Hi
I think most people see happiness as having the typical family, with two parents. Perhaps they see our single mom status as being symbolic of failure or unhappiness or struggle. People who make this type of comment don't know any better, so it wouldn't get me mad.
We are lucky because we know that we reap such wonderful rewards from our kids, which makes the sacrifices we sometimes have to make totally worthwhile. I admire each and every person that is a single parent to their child and I think it is the most rewarding job in the world.
Although I now am lucky enough to have a great partner, and am therefore technically not a single parent any more, I don't see why anyone would have any reason to feel sorry for me. Even in my truly single days, I really had the best of both worlds - two wonderful kids and one weekend out of two when they went to stay with their dad and I could have a free weekend to do whatever I liked. I appreciate how lucky I am to have an ex-husband who is responsible, reliable and wants to spend time with the kids. Since joining this board I have realised that this is far from being the case for everyone.
Clem xx
I get this more from men than I do women, and not necessarily romantic interests, just men in general.
I think other women- the ones who maybe ARE married realize that sometimes it's actually easier to not be. I get to make all the rules, I get to have all of the love, and when their husbands are too busy working or watching football or hanging with the guys to take out the trash or play with their children, they get frustrated. I don't get that because I don't expect anyone to help me out, so I'm never disappointed.
Also, my children are extremely well rounded and happy. They don't know any differently since my ex and I split for good when the princess was barely four months old.
When I do hear "poor single mom", I remind them that I COULD be married if I wanted to. I chose this, and I don't feel sorry for myself. Neither should they. If it does happen to be a woman, I might casually ask her what her husband's doing... she'll go on a rampage about how lazy, or how much he works, or that they haven't had a date in years... and I'll think, "yeah, poor single moms."
Anyhow, go ahead and vent!!
Moody, not feeling poor at all
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OK - here's my two cents on this...
I have been single for almost 8 years. While I don't necessarily want anyone to feel sorry for my status, there are times when I have been quite depressed about it - unfortunately, the depression is not based on not having a partner, but on financial issues - and truly that's all.
There have been times when I've had to use the local food bank to feed my children...I am constantly running one step ahead of the utility "shut off" people (and have even missed them once in a while), and it's always a negotiation when one of my kids needs a new pair of shoes.
That being said, I am one of the luckier ones - I do have a good job, a place to live, two healthy kids (well, relatively, my DS 18 has some serious emotional issues), and an ex husband who not only pays child support but also gets himself involved with his kids. And yes, even with the support and the job, I find myself struggling and often taking on a second job to help make ends meet.
There are mothers in FAR worse shape than I am - those that run from apartment to apartment trying to outrun landlords looking for rent, those that live in roach and rat-infested hovels because they can't afford anything else, those that can't buy their children birthday presents because they just don't have the money. I am in a better place than they are.
But I think men think we're ALL like that - and I think part of that stems from the fact that when our generation was growing up, if our mothers were single, they DID struggle a lot more than we do. They couldn't get decent jobs, most were un or underemployable because they'd stayed home and raised their children, and there were far fewer unwed parents than they are now. I know several men that speak in AWE of the struggles their single mothers went through to raise them.
So while I know it's annoying, don't get angry - just let them know you appreciate their sympathy, but you're doing just fine!
It used to annoy me when random strangers would say to me "You've got your hands full." Thanks for stating the obvious, how about some help... is what I was thinking. Some people said it in a condecending tone and others as a sympathy statement like the "Awww poor thing."
But for some reason it doesn't bother me anymore. I think because I'm more comfortable with being a single mom and I know the struggles I'm facing AND I'm doing the best I can... I'm a survivor! Now I'll admit... "I've got my hands full AND I'm blessed."
I guess I don't let their issue become my issue anymore.
Welcome back to the board,
LB