Single Mom living w BF
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| Tue, 07-22-2008 - 10:53pm |
Hi Everyone, I was just looking for some others who may have been in my position to offer some advice/comfort. I have been dating a man for 2 years, really seriously for the past 1. he has helped me in every way possible since my divorce. he's been my most supportive friend, and put up with all of the emotional baggage, kid baggage, financial and ex baggage the whole time. In the beginning, I was a wreck and treated him very badly. He took me back and has treated me well ever since. he let me and my girls move in with him when we were very down.
Since then I have improved my life and we've gotten a bigger place. I thought I could make him happy, but I'm afraid I'm very wrong. He's done so much that he deserves the best. My kids can be real problems at times. My ex uses them constantly to get back at me, with discipline issues, not giving my ADHD child her medicine, it goes on and on.
My BF has been wonderful, but the pressure of doing all of this for me and the girls gets to him. When he is upset, he's very angry, and always talks about how being with me isn't attractive to him, there are other women who want him, no man would put up with this, he's leaving. I MUST say here (before you judge him) that he struggles from severe chronic depression. He works overtime to help me, but is struggling to keep himself afloat.
I try so hard to keep his spirits up, love as he wants and needs, and give him the space he needs. But it seems it will never be enough as long as I keep the girls. he takes medication, but I think this would be too much for a regularly happy man with no other worries.
I can't express to you what a godsend he's been, and I'm wondering two things:
Am I selfish for wanting this man in my complicated life? I am constantly trying to improve things, but things can slide backwards at any moment, it's a lot of pressure, too!
Also, how do I cope with the on/off of his happiness? Yesterday he said he wanted to marry me. I wanted to keep my happy feeling as long as I could. But he didn't seem happy saying it. We were discussing lots of serious plans, and he said he would save that for a more romantic discussion. I've been imagining this dream-come-true since, and tonight he was upset at my daughter ( she was very hurtful to him )and was again saying that he could never have happiness with me. And men wonder why women are insecure!
Any advice would be wonderful, sorry so long, and please don't bother with any "ditch that loser and respect yourself" stuff. I've had opportunities to have other men and I know this is my soul mate and a wonderful loving person.

Hi Jfish, welcome to the board.
First of all, thanks for sharing your story and opening yourself up for the "ditch the loser, respect yourself" line I'm sure you've heard.
The thing that I want to point out is that YOU are not responsible for HIS happiness- that is HIS quest alone to find. You can only offer who you are to him, he has to find his own happiness within himself because nothing you do or say will MAKE him happy.
I would suggest that you move yourself and your daughters out of his home, and start the relationship over from the beginning. Take away the pressure of him having to take care of you and your "burdens" of finance and children. Seek counseling for yourself and with him so that you can find a better way to communicate and work together on the relationship. If you're both wanting this relationship, then this will bring you closer and build a stronger foundation.
My only question is what you meant by this statement: "But it seems it will never be enough as long as I keep the girls."
Hi Jfish-darcy,
Welcome to our board.
I echo Alison's advice - I think you should move out and get strong on your own. Give yourself the chance to stand on your own two feet. This will do a few things - it will allow you to have a breather so you don't have all the pressure of living in a pressure cooker without the commitment to make it work. It will allow you to be all you can be for your kid with ADHD and for the kids to keep growing. It will force you to be independent which you should have done after your divorce. I think it will also allow you to be stronger to stand up to your exh and set boundaries.
This also allows you to buy more time to see if he is really the one you want. And it will help him focus more on himself and his depression.
I believe that if you give yourself space and both sort out your own problems you could be better for each other - but right now it just sounds like one bad situation that could build a lot of resentment and explode before given the time to sort itself out.
You cannot make your bf happy. You cannot make him commit to you and be happy with the decision if he resents it. But you can fix your own situation, become stronger and happier yourself - and when you do that - a whole golden world will be at your door.
Good luck - hope this helps - I am sure you will get good advice here.