single mom moving in with bf....HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2008
single mom moving in with bf....HELP!
22
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 12:18pm

I am a divorced mom of 2 beautiful, sweet girls. Ages 5 and 3. My Ex and I split and moved into separate apartments at the end of Aug. 2006. We started our divorce process and it was final in May 2007. Meanwhile, I started dating someone in Dec 2006.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 12:59pm

Welcome to our board!!

It sounds to me like the leasing date is not being convenient with your own internal readiness clock to make this step with regards to your girls. I mean that you want to move when the lease is up - but you are having a hard time in your own mind about telling the girls he is your boyfriend never mind that you are living with them.

Maybe what you just need is a little more time so you can have them adjust to him being your boyfriend?

Do you feel you would be better if you had more dating time and then could move in with more of a commitment? Like a ring/engagement? If it was me I would want that - but that is me and I am different.

I think for dating purposes you have done a wonderful job to show him as just a friend. But I am not so sure if I would want to live with him under the guise of friend when he is something more because your kids will figure it out and then you have taught them to tell a lie and not to trust you. And trust is important. Unless you plan to transition that later. I am just rambling and trying to figure - will see what everyone else says - maybe there has been some here in that position who pulled it off and they have tips?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 1:38pm

Hi there and welcome.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2008
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 1:39pm

Thank you so much for your response! I really appreciate it.


I am ready to tell the girls but my bf is worried it will be hard on them...So I guess I'm trying not to go against his wishes but I'm not sure which situation is better for the kids' sakes....I'm leaning towards telling them, but I would talk it out with my bf before I make that final dicision of course.


As for marriage. I'm in no hurry. I am not worried about our future right now. I see us eventually getting married. But, to me, it is important to live with him and see if we are still as compatible. I just don't want to ever make the mistakes I made with my last marriage. I need to be sure. :) But things are bound to be way more difficult when you have the little ones to think of now instead of just yourself... sheesh....remember those days? When you only had yourself to care about?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2008
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 1:58pm

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 2:19pm

ahhh yes, your answer prompted me to say something else that others often tell me and I have seen first hand after what I have put my kids thru, that is KIDS ARE SO RESILIANT, AND ADAPT BETTER TO NEW SITUATIONS THAN WE DO.

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 2:23pm

my ex still finds reason to call me horrible things


mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 4:02pm

Hey there - It sounds like you have found a wonderful partner.

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 8:54pm
I think you have a great guy there and plenty of time between now and May 1st to gently show your kids that you are more than friends. Start with comments to each other like you already have such as him calling you "beautiful" Be what my grandparents described as "dear" to one another and the kids will get the hint. Then I would hold hands in a quiet moment like at a movie or church or somewhere where there cant be a lot of teasing, questions, or commotion afterwards. Sort of giving them a chance to see and then think and then ask later. Be ready for questions which I am sure you already are.
When you move in, I would not move in under the premise that you are friends. I would move in under the premise that you are a couple and that your bf is taking that on as well as the kids because in reality, he is.
I am living with my bf now and my nine year old lives with us.
Kids are so perceptive and it may actually reassure them to know that what they have been THINKING is already going on and WONDERING about - actually IS. Especially if they like him as much as you say and feel how sensitive he is and has been to all of their feelings.
Best of luck to you....
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2008
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 12:36am

Thank you so much for all your replies. I am really taking your advice to heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2007
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 1:58am

It really sounds like a great situation and grats to you for doing everything right!


I agree with the above poster that kids are resilient. It took me about 9 months to introduce the kids and things are good.


That being said, my only concern is that your boyfriend would like to continue pretending that you are just friends when you obviously aren't. He sounds like a great guy, don't get me wrong, but children at those ages don't really understand the difference between living together and engaged. I would probably suggest some education on his part, all in a positive way, about kids and how they develop. Also realize that the custody arrangement will more than likely change as they get older.


Sounds like you are both laying the groundwork for a very good transition for the kids.

Pages