single mom moving in with bf....HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2008
single mom moving in with bf....HELP!
22
Sat, 01-26-2008 - 12:18pm

I am a divorced mom of 2 beautiful, sweet girls. Ages 5 and 3. My Ex and I split and moved into separate apartments at the end of Aug. 2006. We started our divorce process and it was final in May 2007. Meanwhile, I started dating someone in Dec 2006.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sun, 01-27-2008 - 9:19am
If he is ready and you are ready, why not get engaged before May? I am living with my bf without a ring right now but would say yes if he asked me first thing this morning after he gets out of the shower:) I get the whole thing about trying things out but still, the two of you sound solid and the kids would get a more traditional message which seems like what he wants to give them. Faking the kids out for months just doesnt seem realistic to me - it sounds exhausting and there are enough stresses on you as you first move in together.
Is an engagement the same to you as the marriage vows? How about a long engagement? Are you opposed to the idea of breaking an engagement if need be - or would that equate to divorce in your eyes - or would it just be the reaction of the kids you fear? Dont some see an engagement as a trial period before marriage - especially a long engagement? It might be a good thing to ask both of you whether you see the entrance of the ring as the same as the words of the vows....Maybe a good example to set for them would be to start giving them signs you are dating, get engaged around May, move in together and then have a lovely ceremony the next year:) That would be the closest thing to traditional you coudl offer in the scenario you presented in my eyes.
Suddenly I feel this need to help you plan the birth of your next child. Sorry if I got carried away.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 01-28-2008 - 1:00am

I have to say that I commend you on waiting to introduce him in a romantic way. Good for you!


BUT, i absolutely think thats its THE WRONG THING to go into the moving in situation under a LIE.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Mon, 01-28-2008 - 9:49am

I couldn't agree with Rebecca more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Tue, 01-29-2008 - 6:18pm

fyi the post re kids embarassing you - is a must read for you and your situation IMO!


uk2socal

mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-29-2008 - 6:33pm

I question the advantages of living together especially with children involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 01-29-2008 - 7:15pm

Mark, I like this post a lot.

That is crazy that you and your exw lived together 3 years yet the marriage did not work out. Do you think the approach of living together had anything to do with that? Or is it one of those "if I knew back then what I know now" things? Or just the way it evolved? Forgive me if you have mentioned this before. But I like all the things you always write about communication and am curious to hear your story and the lessons you learned.

I know you posted something else on here - have to find it - was going to respond. I must be getting dingy in my old age - LOL!!

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-29-2008 - 8:25pm

I don't really think that us living together had much to do with why the marriage did not work out. I do know that living together does not create commitment. I know you can walk away from a marriage as well but it's harder because if nothing else because of the legal hassles.

I also know that inertia is prevalent in relationships, i.e. it is easier to stay as status quo until the pain gets too great to make a change. My guess is if PBmommyPL expects to marry her bf then it probably won't be on her timetable.

The reason why my 19 yr marriage ended was that she was the only woman I dated so I did not know any better and I married my Mother (which is common from all I have read on relationships, we mate with the person who has qualities of the parent we need to work things out with the most).

I did not know any better and then I "woke up" to who I really am and what I wanted in a relationship, i.e. emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual intimacy. I am a Cancerian so I tend to stick to things and was committed to my family and making things work. When I finally realized that she was not committed in wanting to make our marriage work then I decided to divorce.

That's it in the nutshell. I'm happy to share more on another thread and when I feel like typing a LOT more. Just ask.

Mark
--





May your soul be at rest.


May your heart remain open.


May you realize your own true nature.


May you be healed.


May you be a source of healing for the world. - a zen prayer






Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 01-29-2008 - 8:27pm

I totally DO NOT agree about not living with someone first before marrying them. I have a few experiences from friends and family on that, but basically one that stands out is a woman who used to be on our board 3-4 years ago. Anywhooo, she never had her bf sleep over or vice versa. They dated for about 2 or 3 years and he never stayed or anything. It was not UNTIL they got married that they moved in. A year later the whole thing was a horrible mess and that adjustment and that trauma left those kids very upset. She wanted to BE SO SURE that it really did more damage then good.


So, reality is: LIFE no matter what is filled with suprises. There are a NUMBER of reasons things may make a turn for the worst. We have so many women/men on this board that never thought that they would be single now. Either through a divorce or a death, but things happen and we can't just always be OVERLY cautious. We can protect our children and do the best that we can, as we all do, but reality is reality: You just never can be sure of the future, you can only hope for the best.


Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 01-29-2008 - 8:36pm

Whether we live together or not before marriage is not as important as having a great relationship, being the best we can be, and picking our best counterpart.

I have read stories how mates suddenly and dramatically change once they got married. The nice guy turned violent type of story. I don't think that risk is alleviated if you live together but heck, what do I know?

I firmly believe that I need to know myself, who I am, what I am, what I want in order to attract that person. This involves a lot of personal growth work as well as "practice" in relationships. The caution is that for single parents, this not only involves us but it also includes and impacts our children.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Tue, 01-29-2008 - 8:37pm

Well, really it's not so crazy that they lived together then it didn't work out.