Single mom of one, and pregnant again

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Single mom of one, and pregnant again
4
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 10:44am

Oh gosh, I know that title makes me sound HORRIBLE, but there are so many things surrounding this situation that I really can't get it all in one message. Basically, when I date someone it ALWAYS becomes a long term relationship (1-2 years) and that was the case recently...with my first child I was engaged, but I grew up and realized that it wasn't a healthy relationship to raise a child in so I left. I dated off and on, then an amazing guy walked into my life around a year and a half ago and it was great...at least I thought-it ended up being an on again off again situation b/c he's 32 and unsure of what he wants--he's never been married and "claims" he's looking for the one to settle down with, but of course his actions proved otherwise...things were on the mend and I really thought we were going well, until he messed around--we started the on again off again--got together one more time, and then a month or so later, I found out I was pregnant. At that point we weren't talking anymore and so on. I have come to terms with everything and am working hard on my relationship with my son and getting prepared for the new arrival.
SO, my thing is, is that I would like to date again, and I have met a few people, but it's not really all that great to me. Who really wants to date someone with a child and one on the way? I guess I won't have anyone if I am not totally into the idea of dating, but it would be nice to have someone to go out with, noexpectations....ah, what to do. Any suggestions?

Thanks!
Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 11:21am

Hi Jess,

Welcome to our board. We are happy to have you here - and I think you will find much warmth and support from the members.

My first thought when I saw your title was that I hope you would keep the baby! A baby is a million times better than a boyfriend or husband - and where there is a will, there is a way. So when I read your note I was happy!!

Now for what you are asking. Who would want a single mom with 2 children? The man who is totally into you and sees you as his Mrs. Right and admires you for your strength as a single mom and for your integrity and family values. I don't think that 2 children would be any more daunting than 1.

But the first order of the day is to get through what you need to now - for all 3 of you.
You will have to take a break from dating (or wanting to date) to get through the pregnancy and infancy - focus on those right now. Do you have a support system of family and friends who will help you?

I think you have to tell this man about the child. And then you have to seek child support. You will need the money and the child is entitled to that.

You will have 2 beautiful children - and they are assets. I think the worst mistake a woman can make is to live her life so it is appealing to some imaginary man. You have to live your life for you - and when the time is right, you will meet the right one for you.

I wish you all the best in the months to come. I know many changes and new thoughts are ahead of you. Please keep us all posted along the way - and I know the others here will have kind things to say. There are a few others in the same position as you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 12:07pm

Thanks so much Judy...I have my family here in town with me, and some close friends so it's been a little easier. The father does know--and that was a whole other can of worms. When I first told him, he was so freaked out; he kept talking about how he couldn't understand how this could happen, how can he take care of a child right now, how he has nothing to give this child, etc. etc. Then we spoke the next day after things sank in a little and he proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't keep this baby and how he knows other women who have had abortions and have been fine...when I explained to him there was no way I was going to do that, he threatened to take the child, which to me I KNEW was just an idle threat made out of anger because he even admitted he can't take care of a child right now.

Anyway, you are right about the dating thing though. I am torn about the situation because it would be nice to have someone to go out with, but it seems anymore that most men I meet just say whatever they think I want to hear, and I have basically just walked away from those situations.
It's good to know that I have people that I can talk to about this besides my family and women that can relate because they are experiencing a lot of the same things. Thanks again for everything!

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 12:14pm

Jess,


Welcome to the board.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 2:31pm

Oh - that is good you have friends and family. That will come in handy.

It is also good you got it out of the way to tell your exbf about the child. His reaction spells it all out about him - he is sounds selfish and immature.

I think you should wait until AFTER you have the baby to bring up the subject of child support or to make any legal filing for that - but you can sure go now and find out your options and how to proceed.

I say "after" because of safety - you don't want him to harm you in any way and you just want to have a good pregnancy now without drama. After the baby is born, when the dust settles, you can file for child support. That is just my opinion and two cents worth.

I agree with Alison - she made a nice post for you. I know how you feel about wanting someone - I think most people here do - I do sometimes think of what it would be like to have someone who really wants me in their life - who really wants to take me to dinner and who enjoys my company. I have no control over this in my life and I have come to accept that. The wrong person can add a whole lot of drama and heartbreak and right now I feel safe from that. I am also enjoying a lot of time with my son.

We are adding a new addition to our family - a puppy. He really wants one and I have managed to find one that doesn't shed. It was born on the 28th. I am hoping we will have it by Xmas. The funny thing is that I never wanted to get a dog before because of the mess and because of something in the back of my head that said it would make finding someone even harder. But I am no longer living my life for "someone"

I hope we have helped. Keep us posted.

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