single moms to boys

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
single moms to boys
8
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 10:40am

Who is the MALE role model for your boys?


For my boys their dad is useless and sees them every other weekend but he lives 200 miles away so he doesnt attend sporting events - well anything of theirs really. I am thinking about getting them a Big brother ???


They are 9 and I am starting to see as a woman that I cant provide alot of those MALE bonding things they need.


I would just like to hear from those who arent married and are still in the single mom route with boys - what do you do?


Thanks!


MaryBeth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mbfun
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 11:22am
I certainly identify with what you're trying to do. Good for you. It's been important for me for my son and my girls as well.

My ex, while he looks good from the outside, is NOT a good role model. I affiliated myself with a church where I found people who agree with my outlook on life in general. There I've found good, caring men to get my kids involved with. There have been several ways that happened. The man who was my son's "comfirmation sponsor"...he has kept up with all 3 of my kids, taken them flying in a plane he co owns with a couple of other people, and he remembers birthday etc.

Then there have been several sunday school teachers who were great and were role models in a different way. And parents of friends they've made in church, who they've gotten to know through sleep overs and Saturday afternoons just hanging out together.

The most recent is a friend who has helped me with legal services (he's a lawyer now, but used to be a mechanic)...and he spent a Sunday afternoon helping my son change a seal when his car had an oil leak. My DS said it was great fun, and the fellow had lots of good stories to tell. He's very "guy" but also very sensitive and fun.

So, that's how I've done it. Sometimes I wished it would have been more, but enlisting someone never seemed to work. It was too contrived I guess, didn't feel natural.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
In reply to: mbfun
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 11:43am
My ex has very recently started to step up to the plate with them, but he's still not a role model (God help me if my kids take after him). The main men in my kids lives are their coaches-basketball, baseball and football. These are all stand up guys who have taken my sons under their wings, especially when my ex was out of their lives for a year. One of the coaches is a great friend of mine. He's a very large (muscular) man who is a Sergeant (sp?) for a police department. My kids tend to look up to him the most-and listen to him most. When Ed (friend) saw my oldest son talking back to me, Ed said "Come on Josh, let's go for a walk". His talk did wonders.

I've found that sports helps my kids get their aggressions out and see men who are true fathers. I dont know what I'd do without the sports (tho I can do without all the running!)

If you're kids arent into sports, then big brothers are good, Cub scouts, or an uncle or grandpa of theirs. Someone to just sit and talk to them and let them know that what they are going through is normal for boys their age.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mbfun
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 2:20pm
Hi MB...there is my dad of course, but he's elderly and he can't run around with the kids...he's also got old fashioned notions of how you should treat boys vs. girls. ANd he doesn't play fair...he adores both, but is obviously more gaga over DD. My xh is around, but his own father was distant and he isn't really _present_ you know? I signed on my cousins who are younger and fun, but they have lives and such. The godfather lives out of town. I sought to find non relationship guys to have around because I did make that mistake once.

I think big brothers is a great organization. I dated someone who was being interviewed to be a big brother...he was a great man and someone that if I hadn't been dating would have liked around the kids' lives.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: mbfun
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 6:21pm

Sports and more sports. He has swim coaches, baseball coaches, my coaches. Camp leaders, grandfathers and friends. Also boyfriends of friends.

I really focus on only having positive people around me. And he thrives with all of the attention.

His dad IS in his life and he is a positive role model for the most part. I guess I am lucky that way. I know it could be a lot worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 10:15am
I was a girl in serious need of a male role model when I was growing up. I didn't know it then of course. I had uncles around, but they were either poor choices for role models or were simply not there on a consistent basis. I would see them at family functions and such, but they did not take a serious interest in my well being or spend time with my sister and I. Therefore I do not think they counted. Distant or transient male role models are not the same as having a dad around all the time that loves you and sets a good example for you.

I don't think my ex is a good example for my dd of how a grown man should act. If I don't end up remarrying then I am going to spend lots of time talking to her about how things should have been and how successful relationships are formed and maintained. I will also offer her professional counseling and whatever else I think she needs in order to learn what it means to be a healthy, responsible, adult man, so she can recognize one when she see's him.

I know that boys are different. But I think all children need healthy male and female role models and those closest to them will have the most impact. Someone who is not as close or is in and out of their lives will not have the same impact as a father or step-father would (not at all saying your solution is to remarry). My ex's mother had men in her life that were there for years at a time, but then they left. They probably did more damage than good, because what my ex learned was you can be involved but you can also choose to not stick around. He never saw a man take full responsibility, and it's no surprise he grew up to lack a sense of responsibility himself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: mbfun
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 7:28pm

Hi MB
Just wanted to chime in that I have a girlfriend who's divorced with 2 boys and she has had a Big Brother for them because though their father sees them, he is not what you'd call a good role model. She speaks very highly of the organization.

I also think Cub Scouts/Boy Scouts could be a good source, if you have a good pack near your house. My son does Cub Scouts and he does get a lot out of it that neither my SO nor his own dad could give him, the hunting/fishing type stuff they're not really into.

Tara

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: mbfun
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 11:25am

This was an excellent discussion! Great ideas everyone.


I know I am not single anymore, but having

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
In reply to: mbfun
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 12:19pm

Thanks!!


Well I found out today we are officially moving December 17th so I will be looking into getting them involved in sports and cub scouts when we get there. I contact the big brothers and they are sending me out applications - it takes 6 months to a year for the application process and to be assigned someone and you must commit the