Single moms prefer dating single dads?
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 07-22-2005 - 1:51pm |
Hi everyone, I hope it's ok that I post my question on this board. If this is a board meant to be for female perspectives only, I apologize.
I was just wondering if you single mothers felt more comforatable dating guys that have kids also, or if you would be open to dating men who don't have children.
I'm a 36 year old divorced guy (no kids), and I have tried online dating for well over a year now. In my experience, it seems that many single moms are looking for a man that has kids of his own. I recently corresponded with a woman with a young son, but she decided to cut things off because of that very reason. She said she would feel better getting involved with a man who had experience raising a child.
In a way, I can understand that viewpoint, but it's also somewhat discouraging. I have found that most single women in my age range have children from a previous marriage. I have no problem whatsoever dating women with kids, but it is a problem if *they* have a problem with it.
So, I was just hoping to get some good input from women who are out there in the dating game. :-)
Eric

Pages
Hi tbone,
Good to see you back!! How are things going with your ex moving back into town and your new beau?
Dear Eric,
I've seen this question pop up before, and the women tend to be 50-50.
Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p
Hiiiiii,
Glad you decided to step up and ask this question. A very good thread and very interesting how everyone thought.
My opinion: I usually don't date a single guy seriously. Either he is too young and wants his own children someday or he is too old and doesn't really want to be a male/father sort of role model. I do date them. Don't get me wrong, butttttt, I don't think it's fair that I can't give them a child of their own and those that never had children and in their mid30's or older I just can't imagine them having the patience of no longer racing around in their cabriolets or motorcycles, parties, bars, whatever and suddenly play house with me, because I rather stay home for a weekend being with my girls. Not because a babysitter cancelled, but because I want date time with them. Kind of a turn off for most men. If I met a guy, who couldn't have children, but wanted them and/or someone that could make me see he didn't mind not having his own and loved mine, then NOOOOOOOOOOOo problem.
As for dating the guy that has kids. Yes, I have done that twice. It was great and if I could, I would love to do it again. I love children and I think it's selfish and unfair to say that he doesnt have enough time for me because he cares for his kids or that you wouldn't have to deal with his X. I'm sorry, but any guy that wants to be with me, has to deal with the same thing. To me, it's only fair that I put up with just as much and love their kids too.
I really love my partner. He happens to have sole custody of two children. I have custody of my 6 yo. I would love him if he were childless, but the fact that he has been a sole custodian of his kids gives him something in common with me. He knows what it is like to be a single parent and he understands how much I love my child, because he loves his own.
I have dated a couple of childless men and they were pretty much jerks. Very selfish, old bachelors. I don't want anymore children, so finding a man who was done with the baby making was a good fit for my lifestyle.
Ok, I am going to say something, that might offend some people, but I have been pondering about posting this. However, it is my own strong opinion and that is basically all it is in the long run.
Due to myself being raised by a single mom, or let's say, I raised her and she tells this to everyone proudly (nothing I feel proud about). My father married two more times after my mother. The second wife was a wonderful human being who took me into her life and she loved me as if I were her own with her OWN son. No judgements, no problems, took care of me was a loving loving person. Only, my father once again could not stop himself from having affairs. He was engaged several times thereafter. Women I never met, but, then he met my step-witch. I say this, because this woman has been the horror of my childhood and my young adult life. She has two other children of her own and do you know the cinderella story? Well this is her. The step witch. She has done things to me imaginable to anyone. Why? Because she hated the idea of my father having other children and having to deal with his X.
Why I am saying this, is, because in some of the opinions on the board seem to be: It's ok to have mine, but not ok for him to have his and his history.
If I love and care enough for a man, then I accept everything about him. Including his children and his trials or friendships with his X. And if I don't, then I obviously don't care enough about him or I care TOOOO much for myself and that makes me think: selfish.
Neither a man, nor a woman, who is a 24/7 parent wishes to be put in the situation they are. NONE of us, wishes to have problems with our X's or our X's family. But, to a large percentage, it does exist.
To me, to say it's ok if he takes care of my child, but it's to much stress if he raises his own, is just a poor cop out. If each person loves each other enough, then they have a respect and understand and work together with all of the children and treat all of the children equally. With my fathers second wife, it was awesome. I loved my X-step brother and we were soo close. When my father left her, it was like a huge divorce all over again and I never had a chance to say good-bye to the both of them and I never saw my step brother again.
No one has the right to say one child is more important then the other AND no matter if it is a man or the woman who thinks that, it is my opinion: Get out of the relationship.
I'm off of my soap box and I hope that I haven't stepped on anyone's toes. It most definitely not my intention, only my own experience. It is something that I feel quite passionate about, because I have a step-mother almost 25 years, that has made my life a nightmare and has kept me from my father with lies. Only, so that she can make sure her children have and get everything and my sister and myself were left in filth and dirt.
Wow, Cat, that is an incredibly sad story. It was good that you shared - I don't think you stepped on anyone's toes - but you surely did open our eyes to show us how important it is to think of our children when we pick our mate. And to know that if we do pick a mate with children we have a real responsiblity to make them feel special.
It is a shame that you and your sister had to go through so much agony. Where is your sister now? Is she okay?
Honey,
Have you tried looking your ex step mom up or your ex step brother? It might mean a lot to them, you know? Especially if you said to her, "thanks for making me feel so special and taking me in the way you did". She may not know the impact she did have on your life.
Sorry you're having to deal with a negative step mother now. ((((HUGS))))
Alison
I was thinking the same thing as Alison -- perhaps you can search for your ex-stepmom?
Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p
Hi! Personally, I prefer single dads. But that's because my SO is a single dad with primary custody of his kids. ;) After dating several guys who were single/no kids, it was a breath of fresh air to meet my SO. He totally understood that side of me. He was the only one I felt truly comfortable introducing my kids too, because I got to see what kind of parent he was. He is a great guy.
But you sound like you are a great guy too...and as for your concern, all I can say is, if a woman won't date you because of you don't have kids, then move on. She has closed her mind to that possibility with you. Don't settle for the one's who will date you "in spite" of your parental status, keep looking for the one who will appreciate everything about you, including your willingless to embrace a child.
Good luck!
Pages