single mother /dating advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
single mother /dating advice
23
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 4:40pm

Hi to all,


I am 42, 3 children 15,12 & 11. I've been divorced three years. I've been dating 'Ralph' for two years now. We seem to get along great but of course we don't live together. I see him every weekend and he comes over one week night. He spends time with the kids when they are w/ me but he and I are alone every other weekend. He does not attend kids activities/sports functions etc, I think both of us are OK with that. The kids have a dad who is involved and attends most of those, as I do.


Here is my confusion.....Right now I work full time and I am in school all day every Saturday. My life is hectic but most of the time I'm happy with my life. Ralph and I never discuss the future nor do we tell eachother that we love one another. I know I do love him. He is also divorced but had only a step son that he does not see often. I'm very scared about getting married again and having it not work out so I think dating for several years is a good idea. At times I think I may not want to settle down until my kids are older.


Ralph and I only date eachother and things are great. Should I just go with the flow and see what life brings on? Or am I wasting years because I'm only dating one guy that may not ever want to commit?


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 7:27am

I totally understand what you are saying. Of course I have only been dating someone a few months and not two years. But I do not feel that I want to get married again at this point in my life. The reason is because I have total control over my cash and life and house and have plenty for me. And I do not want to share it or give up control. I also value my space with my son and want to have him as my priority. I don't want to juggle another man and all of his preferences and needs with my son's needs. So for now the plan is to keep dating and keep my space. I don't have the answer to your question.

I am hoping everyone chimes in here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 1:07pm

Hi there, Clover.

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 1:27pm

So that's the name for the type of relationship I'm part of!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 2:39pm

LTDWGSAM (long-term dating without getting serious about marriage, hehehe)


That's a great way of putting it, Soonee! That's exactly what Hiker and I are in then, too! Just gotta come up with some term that is actually SHORTER though! lol


As someone who was always looking/pushing to be INTO something or some form of relationship in the past, this is actually very liberating to me, to be in a relationship where it's not being pushed by me or him. We just enjoy things as they are and it already IS what we want. It's just odd to me (but I'm happy about its oddity!) because I'd always be somewhat unsatisfied with whatever relationship I had in the past

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 2:47pm

LTDWGSAM - EXCELLENT - we needed a term or acronym for that one.

Okay - and so since you don't believe in that - I am dying to hear your reasons why. I really want to know if you would get married again and what your reasons are for that. Perhaps there are benefits that we are all overlooking? I know that once before that you mentioned our chances dwindle and so we should not waste time. Maybe I am going through a rebellious teen type stage and don't want to give up my independence!! Was hoping you would share thoughts if you don't mind? Or perhaps you don't want to date at all now with your situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 11:17pm

Oh no, it's not that I don't believe in that - there are folks here who have very healthy LTDWGSAM relationships (you guys are right - we gotta shorten this one!) - it just isn't in my nature.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 09-28-2007 - 7:53am

So what you are saying, is that you would not date anyone you would not marry or who does not want to get married? Because you do want to be married. And you would not want to find yourself just dating to eternity because you don't want to be stuck with a man who would not commit and waste your time.

I guess why I asked you this is to see if there is a reason to get married again that I might be overlooking. Right now I feel very strongly that I want to maintain my independence and not be legally/financially bound and have to live with someone again. I think the memory of my exh is still too vivid and maybe I am assuming that every man would be selfish and emotionally unavailable like him. I don't want to go through another divorce and have to risk losing my business or my house. I detested my exh's selfishness and the empty feeling I had for too many years and not being able to do what I wanted and having to be with his family all the time when they were not fun to be with and didn't like me. And now that I have my newfound freedom to spend my money the way I want, fix my house the way I want and train a lot of hours and travel wherever/whenever I want, I don't want to give it up.

And now that I am older and have the house and the kid and the money - what is the reason for someone to live with me? It is HARD to live with another person - to manage money and spending and cleaning and dealing with children and never mind when we are already older and more set in our ways. Plus I think I have a strong dose of reality from seeing what is left in the dating pool and how a lot of people parent - that is another thing - that I don't want someone to tell me I spend too much money on my DS or I help him too much and spend too much time with him and his activities.

Maybe what you are saying is that you do believe you can still have a happy marriage where you live together and grow together? That the possibility of a deeply fulfilling wonderful relationship can exist if we set our standards for it and want it.

And I know we are all okay with what we want - whether it is no relationship or dating right now, FWB, LTDWGSAM or marriage. I know there is no right or wrong. I am just quizzing you because I know you do want to get married again - I just wanted to find out what is in your head for WHY??? (sorry for always being so inquisitive!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 09-28-2007 - 8:30am

I certainly can't speak for Soonee, but I can vouch for myself.


I know that as little as a year ago, and definitely two or even three, I felt much the same way you do.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 09-28-2007 - 9:44am

Interesting discussion! It's crazy just how

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 09-28-2007 - 9:49am

I don't think I can explain the 'why' behind why I seem to be the way I am.