Single mother..Hard. Dating...Harder!!!
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| Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:06pm |
When my ex and I split up, I knew being a single mother would be hard. But dating is harder! I've told this board my story but here is a brief. I'm 38 years old, I have 2 sons; 14 and 12 and have been divorced for 5 years.
I've dated 2 guys....count them......TWO. I don't even know if I can count them as dates either. The 1st one was on the rebound from a serious relationship and the 2nd.....
Well the 2nd I told you all about. He only wanted sex. About a week ago, I told him to "get lost". I didn't use those exact words, I was nice about it. I told him that "I couldn't sleep with him anymore because I wasn't the type to maintain a casual relationship and I know I deserve more. I'm holding out for that something special and magical". He said he understood, but was not ready for a serious relationship. In other words, I'm not THE one. I felt depressed that in my situation, guys are not going to get to know the real me and I may never have another fulfilling relationship again.
I figured I would never hear from him again and good riddance. It's necessary at all time to weed out the negative in your life. We have enough to deal with trying to raise children on our own. In fact, another woman on this board said..."Dating?, I'm too busy trying to raise men to actually meet any" ....or something close. I hold her words in my heart. Because it's true, I'm trying to raise 2 men. I'm trying to teach them to be polite and considerate and sensitive.
Anyway, this guy calls me up a few days later. I was on the road at the time and I hate talking on the cell phone. The ac in my car had bust and it was extremely hot. I had spent the entire morning at my son's school for orientation. I was tired, bothered and hot! I was a little surprised to hear from him and only managed (I believe) to sound like a babbling idiot. What is about these men that make us turn into fools? He called me again this morning about nothing in particular. Didn't ask me out or anything like that. So why IS he calling?..... You got me. Does he want to be friends?....I doubt it.
Frazzled and lonely and confused,
Joanne

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First of all-quit being so hard on yourself-you are only 38-isn't that the age grp-late 30's -through 40's that you can really met a "decent"man? Most are yes divorced-but also have children already-just like you. I dated a man 10yrs older than me-we had been friends for years-so I knew his kids and he knows mine-very well. He got divorced-then there we were-dating-it did not work as a relationship-but we are very close friends. Any way the point of the story is-I wanted more kids-he had a vesectomy. So it does go both ways-and not all want to have children/more children. The relationship did not end because of that-it was difficult for me, but that is not why it ended. But if you met someone and that person truley loves you-he will love you no matter what-if you don't want more children-he should respect that and love you anyway. There are many couples in this world that cannot have children and want them desperatly-yes some end because of that-but that is not love. Some stay together and live a happy full life-together. Someone will see all your good qualities and love your children as their own. (yes, I to am still looking for that)I have met men and told them i am not sure I want more kids and they have been fine w/that. You are not an OLD HAG!
I know first hand how hard it is to me a single mom-my ex told me to leave (he wasn't ready for a family)when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant-I have been a single mom since. And I work full time.
Do not let your ex move it! god no! I am not sure why you divorced-but I don't think it sounds like a good idea-you don't seem to think so either.
Hang in there-
Remember-(this is what I always tell myself) God wouldn't give you anything he thought you could not handle. And It will get better--that's what people tell me anyway. :)
GL
Thanks for your encouragement. I really appreciate it because my website title is going to be "Single Mothers and NOT Dating" My. ex was the longest intimate relationship I've had in my life! The only boyfriend over 6 weeks. I don't know what the problem is. I'd say the unavailablility of men where I live (the island of Jamaica in the Caribbean) except that I know of others my age who meet and date guys. There are others who can't seem to find men either, I have a couple of friends with the same predicament but it always has me wondering if something is wrong with me.
The same guy I mentioned before (the one who only wanted sex) called me again yesterday and I've discovered a trend. He calls me on a Thursday and/or Friday. Hmmmmm....wonder why? Give you one guess. Hoping I'll propose something for the weekend? He doesn't dare ask. Where are the men who want comittment and monogamy?
I do lack some self confidence but I think I'm friendly and have a good sense of humour. I'm not opposed to friends who want to set me up, but it's mostly talk. They say they'll do it but don't.
Anyway..I'll press on as usual. Power to the single mother!!
Yeah, if he's calling the same time every week, then yes, he's hoping for a little weekend action.
I really agree with this post and want to add one thing.
One of the easiest ways to see which guy just wants sex versus one that really seems interested in you is his approach to asking you out. If he seems to want to hook up - call at the last minute or late at night - that is a hook up date - booty call. But if he wants to talk to you and ask you out in advance for a nice date - that is a good thing.
I wish I could find someone as well. I get depressed about it-like this weekend, I did not have my daughter-so went out w/some friends-first I did not know they were bringing their boyfriends(oh fun-i love being the 3rd wheel)So we are out-a friend of my gf's boyfriend brings a friend out-seems nice-alittle arrogant-but I warm up to him and his sense of humor. He tells me I am very attractive etc. We play darts-he is my team-mate. We win-do the high five thing-hugs inbetween. Then I find out he has a fiance'. NICE. Oh well-he was kind a werid anyway :). Then i get hit on by another man-tells me how attractive I am-blah blah blah-He's a big fat pig. Another bar-same thing. It seems lately that is all I get that hit on me-old men and fat pigs-why is that? Seriously-any idea? ahh-I drives me crazy! And now I have a wedding to go to this coming weekend-again-I will not be bringing a date.
gl
I hear you loud and clear girl. !! I'm always telling my girlfriends that I give up, I'm tired of being alone, but I'm tired of these men who have no backbone. Do you know that this guy who's only interested in having a casual relationship with me, is one that I asked out in the first place??!!. Yup, that's right.....I asked HIM out. I asked him out from earlier in the week, because you know we women plan ahead. Then I had to make the follow up call, THEN I had to pick him up...THEN I had to wait outside in the street because he couldn't be bothered to lock up the dogs and let me inside. Seriously!!! ANd then I wonder why I even like this guy. And the answer is.... because I'm desperate. He's only the 2nd guy I've been with since my divorce. So I have to be the man...and I don't want to be the man. I'm a girl. I want to be treated like a queen. I want to be adored and looked after. Sure I'm independent, but I want a guy to take charge, I don't want to do this alone anymore.
I say all of this but maybe I don't even mean it because truth be told, guys get in their OWN way. They're mostly useless and just drain you emotionally and physically. I'm being a cynic I know but I can't help it. I have to convince myself that I'm better off this way.
"It seems lately that is all I get that hit on me-old men and fat pigs-why is that?"
Joanne,
How are you doing now? Has he called you back?
He has and I asked him why he's calling me. He said that he likes talking to me. I found this a bit ridiculous since I'm the one who does all the talking!! We chatted on for a bit....on really mundane matters and I haven't heard from him since. Hoping my subtlety put him off. That was last week...let's see.....Wednesday I think. I don't want to hear from him again because I have enough to deal with...without wondering if he's changed his mind.
Oh, I remember what we were speaking about. We were talking about names and I mentioned that my middle name is ELizabeth which means royalty which means I expect to be treated like a queen (like all women SHOULD be treated anyway) and he said that's why he and I wouldn't work because he's a peasant and I'm royalty. I said....uh huh....whatever. He went onto to say that he wasn't good enough for me. Then he said that he wasn't opening up his heart again because it was broken so badly before. Hmmmmm....some conflicting messages there. I think he was just fumbling. I don't know why he can't just say that he doesn't feel that way about me.
So, like I said, I have enough to deal with. My 14yr old is a handful and I don't have time to waste on a man who isn't man enough for me.....right?!
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