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| Tue, 03-22-2005 - 9:47am |
Hey Ladies,
I don't usually post here however I too am a single mother now of a wonderful 4 year old son. As well as most of you I am also single in the love department. I have had one serious relationship sence my son was born(no his father-left his no good behind at 6 months prego b/c he cheated with friend)and have now been dateless a year. I have learned alot about me and frankly I am tired of learning about me. My question is I find my son attaches to any man I have around. I have a rule in my dating life that no man that I am seeing is aloud to meet my child, for his protection. But any friends who happen to be male he just is attached at the hip with. Let me add, his father has not seen him sence Fathers Day 2002. How can I protect my son and still have an active social life? He has lots of questions and asks all the time why we don't have a husband. He tells me that he wants me to get a boyfriend so I can get married so that he can have a dad. I answer these questions the best way I know how, but does anyone have any advice? I also wanted to add that I have recently read a book that I think would be great for all of you it is "The Rescue" by Nicholas Sparks. One of the best books I have ever read, and is about a single mother. Great read you should pick it up. Thanks again Ladies.
Heather

Hi Heather,
I can relate to what you are saying. But first, I want to WELCOME you here with open arms!!
Keep on posting here - we love to hear from new people.
I think it is okay to have many men friends in your life and for your son to spend time with them. Perhaps there are more family members - brothers, uncles, grandpa, or even friends that can help fill in the male bonding thing with your son? For my son it is to play outside with some friends - we have a good street.
Anyway, I think you should tell your son that this is an adult matter - yes you would like to have someone in your life - but you want the RIGHT person in your life - not just anyone - and this takes some time and a little grace from God. Right now all he can do is pray and work on being a good boy and not to worry - you will do this.
I don't think you should let any boyfriends meet him until you are very sure it is going to be for the long term. I think you will know when that is right.
And even then, you have to tell your son that this is up to the adults and there is nothing he can do or not do - just to be his sweet self and leave it up to you.
Children do have to learn that we all have important people in our lives. Some stay and some go. But in the end we choose to be with the right ones. And all this takes time.
I hope this helps. Your 4 yo son sounds adorable and very grown up for his age. I think this will matter a little less in time as he meets his own friends. So don't rush!! Pick the RIGHT guy for you both.
Keep us posted!! And tell us more about you!!
Heather,
I remember when my oldest nephew was 5 and he would come over and just hang off my son's father (my now ex). The kid's own father barely had the time of day for him, workaholic. My ex was fine to be there for him and show him attention and have fun with him, maybe he's not the best of role models, but he is a good dad and is good to his nephews- and he was willing to be there when his BIL wouldn't be. (Still is). At the time, we were pregnant with our ds and I remember reading an article about how kids 4-6 really seek out and try to bond with the parent of the same sex as them- so little girls start tailing mommy and little boys start tailing daddy. It's something hard wired in them to learn more about themselves and their "role" in things. So when one of the sexes is missing, the child may overcompensate and be a little agressive to get that for themselves.
Also, I find that men tend to be more playful with kids, unlike boring old mom. So kids think "uncle bobby likes to throw me in the air upside down, this guy will too". They just don't know better, and it's up to us to teach them. I had the same trouble with my son last year jumping on any guy I'd talk to, friend, acquaintance, guy at the grocery store. It was quite embarassing and I had to keep repeating myself for him to stop, but they want to play. I do remember having a friend over who was picked up at my place by her male roommate, and ds practically jumped in his arms before I could grab him. You know what the guy said to my friend when they left? "Boy, that kid needs a dad!" OOOO If I could've heard that, I would've throttled him!!!
So just keep on him and remind him if a male friend is coming to visit what is to be expected of him or the friend will leave. Ask some of your male friends or relatives to plan outtings with him, doesn't have to be long- a trek for half an hour where they can just hang out is good enough. My dad takes my ds swimming every couple of weeks, so they can spend time bonding and my dad can get to know his gs without mom interfering all the time. See if any of your male friends, or even female friends dh's are willing to help you out. Or you could sign up for big brothers, that's what they're there for and they do extensive screening to weed out the creeps.
But with everything else, this too shall pass and you'll have another dilemma to tackle.
As for the dating, you know when the time is right for your date to meet your son. For me, they met right away, I introduced him as a friend and spent time with them together to see how they got along. I would hate to date a guy for a year and then have him meet my kid and break it off because he doesn't like him, you know? But everyone has differing opinions on that and I say, do what feels right for you.
Alison
Alison,
That is a good approach - to let them meet as friends and then see how it all goes. I like that one!!
Any guy I dated after splitting with ds' dad was introduced only as a friend and I made sure that they followed the "rules" around him- no touching or kissing in his presence. I also would go on dates when my ds was having a sleepover at grandma's rather than getting a babysitter and going out with them.
When J and I started dating, we spent time together while ds was away visiting his dad. When ds came home, they were introduced and got along very well. Straight from the get-go J was very much like a partner to me in my parenting- he would back me up, for example, if I was to ask ds to do something and he didn't, J would say something like, "your mom asked you to do XXX, you should do it". I was very impressed. He said it was just something that he learned from his parents growing up, that they were a team and supported what the other said. Boy, that's something I wish ds' dad would get- he ALWAYS does/says the opposite of what I did/said and it's soooo frustrating.
When we decided to move in together, we did talk to ds about how things would change. He was open to it and thinks of J as a parental/ authority figure. I have always taught ds to respect adults and what they say (unless they were trying to harm him or something of that nature). Now we are more open with the hugging/ kissing, but I think that it's a good thing for kids to see- a healthy relationship. We have a lock on our door to ensure ds doesn't happen upon something he shouldn't.
Alison
Hi, I just wanted to respond. I am a single mom to my son who just turned fifteen. His dad and I went through a separation and divorce when our son was turning two and our daughter who just turned eighteen was four. It is hard still because I have had b/f and been engaged but have found I prefer not to introduce anyone unless they plan to be around for the long haul. I never lived with any one else, I came close a few times. When they both were younger guys I dated or were involved with did meet my kids. I had a couple of long-term relationships both lasted around three years but then ended. That was hard on my kids and one guy I was engaged to had kids and it was hard on them and my kids, we thought we were going to become a family and his father just took off with them while I was at work and left my kids home alone. I had a really good friend that lived basically next door and she called me at work and explained what had happened. I was allowed to leave work and go home. My kids were old enough to take care of themselves but obviously too upset to have been left. I would have never done that. I had got the kids all ready for school. I took them all out bought school stuff for all four of them, and then he walked. It took a long time to heal from his abandonment, for both my children and me. So I am cautious about involving my son, my daughter lives on her own now with her b/f who is like another son to me. I just wanted someone to share my life, which includes my kids. I know I need adult companionship, want it but unless I feel we have a future I don't involve them in our day to day life. I just recently broke up with someone, they dumped me because we had been dating about nine months and I wanted a committment. I asked about our future together. I am single again. I got together with someone from my past but I am taking it slow and he respects that. I got hurt and truthfully my first priority is my son. There is nothing wrong with keeping that part of your life separate from your son. If you have male friends in your life they can help provide a positive male influence on your son. I always wanted someone to share in the parenting but despite it not quite turning out that way I did a pretty good job. Both my kids have said mom we had you. You were there for us. My ex-husband pretty much abandonned them, but it is much easier on them now because they are both older and have become used to it unfortunately. Just do what your doing. Maybe the right one will come along but if he doesn't you will be fine, trust me, btdt. You are putting your son first, that's cool.