Slept with another guy, tell guy #1

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Slept with another guy, tell guy #1
6
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 8:50am

I posted my situation a while back but the update is that I've been seeing the 32 year old guy for a month now. He established very early on that he doesn't want a relationship and "just wants to have fun". He acknowledges that he wants to do his own thing, be able to travel, doesn't want kids, although he doesn't mind that I have 3 kids. He's never met my kids. We see each other about once a week, talk on the phone once or twice a week. I'm trying not to call him too much as to not drive him away, which is why we don't go out more often. I definitely could see being in long term relationship with him but I'm trying to be realistic here - he could decide he wants to stop seeing me at a moment's notice.

Anyways, I date other guys and have gotten physical (making out, 3rd base stuff) with a couple of other guys - going thru that wild post-divorce phase. I don't know when I'll start calming down :-) I had sex with another guy a couple of weeks ago. It was definitely more of a physical thing. He was 26, very hot.

I asked 4 other people, 3 guys and 1 woman if I should tell Mr. 32 that I had sex with the other guy. They all said no. In addition, most guys that I have talked to said that they do not consider oral sex to be sex, only intercourse. I've always wanted to be open and upfront to guys what I'm doing and with how many people.

I saw Mr. 32 last weekend. We had to say our good-byes since he is gone now on a month long ski trip. He said that he would call me if he gets cell phone reception out in the mountains. He said that he dates other people. I really don't know if he would tell me if he's having any kind of sexual activity with another woman - he said that he would. I didn't tell him that I had sex with Mr. 26. I thought it would be awkward as we were saying good-bye.

I need some women's opinions on this. Do you think I should tell him when he returns from his trip? Also, why do guys consider only intercourse as sex? Do women think the same way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2006
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 9:16am
Oops! I've been seeing Mr. 32 for 2 months now, not a month.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 9:57am

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 10:38am
I totally agree with Shrimps - couldn't say it better and cannot even think of anything else to add. I think the risk is that you are going to want a relationship with guy #1 and you are going to get attached and want more then he would ever want to give. If I met a guy and he told me he just wants to have fun I would dump him and keep dating until I met one I liked who wanted a relationship with me. But then I do want a relationship - that is just me. I cannot have fun because any kind of sex to me = emotions getting involved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 10:50am

I agree with Shrimps on all accounts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 12:09pm

Do you think that telling him you slept with someone else will change the situation you have with him?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 5:58pm
Hi runner girl. Seriously you would have to do major couch time and pay 3 fgures and up to get some of the replies you have already today. What a great group of ladies we have! Awesome replies so far IMO.
The only thing I have to add is this. If you truly only want a fling with him because you are not really ready for any commitment either since you are in the post divorce crazies - then by all means enjoy yourself but be safe with your body. Someone else siad it to but oral sex has huge ramifications in the std dept. If I were you and wanted to just date casually and feel free to have sex if I wanted it but wasnt looking for anything serious, I would be on the pill, using condoms and maybe even spermicidal jelly ( meaning something to prevent pregnancy and something to prevent STD) and I would NEVER engage in oral. With this method you are more than likely not going to face an unplanned pregnancy and it is unlikely ( although still possible) that you will face an STD. If you have had sex with two guys in a few months you are at no greater risk than someone who broke up with a guy two months ago and just had date number ( pick a number) and had sex with new guy this past weekend. No biggie in my head but you still have to be smart about it. Its a serious thing when I bet everyone on here knows someone who has had or has HIV as well as someone who has Herpes and there is no cure for either. Then there is also HPV which has no treatment either and lasts forever until they figure something new out as far as I know even though there are vaccines now for our kids. Obviously HIV is the one to fear the most but people tend to forget there are others that have NO cure and will disable you and your dating life forever. Not trying to preach but just be careful while you are having fun!!
As far as telling him. No way would I tell him. He hasnt earned the privelege UNLESS you used no protection when you slept with the other guy in which case ethically, you should tell him immediately IMO. I worry about the other women he is most likely sleeping with who could be put at risk.
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