Smothering versus love - from eharmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Smothering versus love - from eharmony
2
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 3:50pm

Since this is how I felt with my dating experience with MA, and I had never seen it before and since we are discussing healthy relationships constantly here, I thought this was good for all of us - from eharmony of course - I have been finding a wealth of stuff here. I have no affiliation with them - LOL - other than my one year project to see if they maybe have a match - LOL!!!!!

Here you go - Smothering versus Love

Smothering—Can You Love Too Much?

There’s no such thing as loving someone too much. There is such a thing, though, as too much smothering. And smothering can definitely scare someone away.

So what does it mean to really love someone, and when does love turn into smothering?

Smothering, ultimately, isn’t about love, but about selfishness. When you love someone, you want what’s best for the person, even if that means the relationship looks different from what you had in mind. In contrast, when you smother, you prioritize your own needs for closeness or connection, as opposed to what the other person wants or needs. This is one reason people can get scared away and run from a relationship.

So let’s look at some differences between smothering and love.

Smothering takes. It’s selfish. When you smother, you’re really not considering the other person’s feelings and desires. You may feel like you’re showing love, but if you’re being motivated by your own insecurity about the relationship or your own fears about losing this person, then you’re probably more in the smothering camp.

Love gives. It’s generous. It prioritizes the other person’s freedom and autonomy. When you love, you’re willing to do whatever is best for the person you care for, even if that means you don’t get exactly what you want, exactly when you want it.

Smothering demands. When you smother, you constantly ask about the future, insisting on specific answers and results. You also demand attention or reassurance from the other person, requiring repeated statements of proof of their commitment level or feelings for you.

Love patiently waits. When you love, you enjoy the present, allowing the other person and the relationship to progress at a comfortable pace. You wait for both of you to become ready for a certain level of intimacy, instead of asking for premature answers or commitments that can put pressure on the other person and scare him or her away.

Smothering disregards what another wants. When you offer continual statements of how much you care about the other person, you may feel as if you’re actually offering love and simply trying to demonstrate how strong your feelings are. But when the other person doesn’t want to hear repeated avowals of your love, you can end up coming across as needy and desperate, merely because you’re disregarding how your partner feels and what he or she wants.

Love considers and respects the other’s desires. True feelings of love don’t force themselves on another person in ways or at times that the person isn’t ready to receive them. Again, sometimes the best way to show your love is to respect the other’s wishes and allow the relationship to grow and develop more gradually. It may seem strange, but there really are times when it’s not the best idea to say “I love you” over and over again.

Smothering oppresses. It pesters and desperately grasps. It calls too often or sends too many text messages. It results from fear and can end up making the relationship feel like a prison to the other person. It’s like building a border of rocks around a campfire to contain it and to keep it from going where it would naturally go.

Love offers space, respect, and trust. Love invites the other’s truest self. It frees the other to be and act and love how the person chooses. Whereas smothering encircles and contains the fire with rocks, love kicks the rocks away, allowing the fire to burn strong and free.

Smothering tells another what to think or do. When you smother another person, you tell them who they should and shouldn’t spend time with. You check up on where they’re going. You expect them to behave in ways you want them to behave, sometimes even through manipulation.

Love respects and encourages autonomy. Loving someone means allowing others to be fully themselves. Of course it’s true that in a relationship, two people rub off on each other and help each other grow and evolve, but this process needs to be built on respect and appreciation for each person’s individuality.

Smothering is insecure. Ultimately, this is the root of smothering. It can be produced by jealousy, fear, and anxiety, and it’s one of the surest ways of driving someone away.

Love is secure. Love is emotionally strong enough to respect another person’s space and to trust that what’s meant to happen will happen.

Relationships need space and air to breathe if they’re going to survive and thrive. Smothering can therefore kill a relationship by depriving it of oxygen. So remember, there’s no such thing as loving too much. The real question you need to ask yourself is, Are my actions genuinely loving? There can sometimes be a fine line between loving and smothering, but if you want a healthy and long-lasting relationship, it’s an important one not to cross.

In your efforts to find your one, true love, be careful not to make another person feel as if he or she is being imprisoned. Remember, you’re looking for a soul mate, not a cellmate.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 4:13pm
Good article. I saw a LOT of me in the smothering part. Another reflection I am trying to work on. LOL. Kind of goes hand in hand regarding working on a healthy me. Anyway, Nascar wanted me to call him after class, I did and he asked if we wanted to meet for a beer. I said, no, because I figured we would see each other anyway today. He said he'd come to me, so I finally said, Ok, let's do a beer. We were supposed to meet someplace, but we miscommunicated. We ended in two different spots. He said he would drive over but I said I would go to him. I figure I should next time do vice versa, because I notice I am always trying to be so damn accomodating, even when he offers. ANYHOW... at least I am realizing I don't need to see him every day. I have also stopped instant messaging with him everyday. I chose to stop and it's been better for me. Keeps me from asking stupid smothering stuff. LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 01-09-2008 - 6:24pm

Good article! It really paints a clear picture, doesn't it?!? The smothering descriptions described the old me... alot. I was that way in my 20's, and I look back and see how desperate I must have been! But thankfully, since being married and "losing myself" in it... I think I also FOUND myself in it as well- because I realized how immature I was, and grew up.


Thankfully I can look at my relationship with Hiker now- and see the "Love" statements and none of the "Smothering" ones- even though I saw ALL of the smothering ones for relationships I used to have in the past! I guess I CAN be taught! lol


~shrimpy, a slow learner sometimes, but thankfully HAS learned

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<