Snoops beware

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
Snoops beware
11
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 2:42pm

You guys were such great help with my issue with moving my kids to be closer to their father, so I thought maybe you could help me with a problem I am having with my boyfriend as well. Let me know what you think, all advice is welcome!

I have been with my bf for a year and a half. We’ve discussed marriage with each other and both feel that is the way things are heading. He wants to live together before marriage to see if we are compatible living together, but I said no. So we compromised and decided that we would do a week. So I packed up some stuff and went to his house. The next morning I get to work and realize that half the phone numbers of my male friends have been deleted from my cell phone. I was angry! This isn’t the first time he’s gone through my phone, and I told him the last time he did it that it upset me. I have very definite feelings on privacy, and this crosses the line for me. If you want to know who I’m calling, ask, or if you want to look in my phone, ask, but don’t wait until I’m asleep and doing it in such a sneaky way, and then delete phone numbers! So I called him and asked him if he was going through my phone when I feel asleep. He of course said no and wanted to know why I was asking. So I told him there were guy’s numbers missing from my phone. He had the nerve to get mad at me for asking and suggested I call the cell phone provider and tell them my phone isn’t functioning properly. The nerve! Like my phone is going too randomly delete numbers from my phonebook, and it just happens to have something against men? Pleasssseeee. So that was yesterday, and I just kinda let it drop because I didn’t have anyway to prove it was him. Well today I go to the bank to cash a check, the guy that wrote the check to me has my car and makes the car payments to me instead of the bank (he’s carrying my loan) so the teller had to verify the check. She asks if I have his phone number, which should have been in my cell, but guess what was gone? His number had been deleted too. So I couldn’t cash the check because he couldn’t be reached. Now I am plain pissed! I looked into phonebook again and found other numbers that were gone. My landlord, my ex husband (we have two kids together, so getting in touch with him is a must) my brother-in-law who is one of my best friends, and some old high school buddies. Most numbers I know by heart, but some I don’t. So now I am livid! What would possess a man to do something so juvenile and so obvious and then try and deny it? No one else had access to my phone, and unless I sleep walk and delete, it only leaves one option, him! Now it’s more of a trust issue because he is still trying to deny it was him, and I know he is lying to me. Should I just let this thing go, or kiss the relationship goodbye?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
In reply to: noahkijd
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 2:56pm

I personally don't think you should just let things go. Your bf is lying to you and has obviously caused you some trouble. He seems to have some trust issues. Does he have any women's numbers in his phone? I bet he does, but you're not going around deleteing their numbers, right?

I would sit down and talk to him. Tell him that trust is the number one factor in a relationship. I don't feel that you should have to explain who these guy's number are, but maybe for his sake, you should. But this is just a small step into what he could do further down the line. Him not owning up to his actions really bothers me. The whole "cell phone not working properly" really irks me too. Was he like this before you two tried the one week living together thing? You said that he's gone through your phone before...has he ever done anything else?

Your guy seems to be very insecure and is worried about the relationship for some reason. Sit down and discuss these things before they escalate into something else.

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
In reply to: noahkijd
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 3:59pm
I would be beyond livid, what he did was downright sleezy. I see a king size red flag here. If violating your trust wasn't enough, he has to lie about doing it to begin with and blame it on you ! His behavior clearly shows a serious lack of charecter, If it were me, I would run with it. I would end it, because this is just the tip of the iceberg, you don't know what else he is capable of doing. It's not his bad deed that should have you worried, but his actions that are disturbing. Another issue to giver serious thought to, what if he does committ worse acts in the future ? Do you really want your children to witness and be negatively influenced by them ? It's better that you find out now rather than later when you're in too deep. You and your children deserve better.
Best of luck to you.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: noahkijd
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 6:56pm

I agree with taina - you do have some real issues here.

1) deleting numbers from your phone
2) lying about it
3) showing no remorse or explanation- just telling you to call the cell phone provider

I also don't like that he would want to live together before marriage when you don't - and that he would have to compromise to a week.

I think he has some real issues here and you could be very unhappy over the long term.

But you are the one who has to decide. Think about it - there must be other stuff like this that maybe you have shuffled under the rug or minimized when you should not have?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: noahkijd
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 12:06am

While I don't think it's enough to kiss the whole relationship goodbye, there are definetely things that you need to discuss with this man!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: noahkijd
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 11:00am

Okay, talk about feeling like a complete jackass! My brother-in-law finally confessed to being the one to delete the numbers from my phone. Why you ask? Because he apparently has an enormous crush on me and was jealous about all the other guys I was talking to and texting. He is 37 and acted like a 5 year old. A little background on the brother-in-law, him and my sister are no longer together but we remained great friends. We hang out 3-4 nights a week, and do everything together, shopping, tennis, working out. So, he got really intoxicated that night and let his jealousy get the better of him. So now I’m in an awkward position with him and my boyfriend. I did call my boyfriend and apologize, but he wants to know who did it and why, and I really don’t want to tell him. I know he deserves to know, I’d want to in his position, but I don’t want him looking at my friendship with the brother-in-law differently. And now I feel super uncomfortable around a person I always considered my best friend. He has apologized, again and again, but I think it’ll be hard, if not impossible, to go back to the way our friendship was. Not because I’m that mad about the phone thing, but because I know how he feels about me now. So I have been sitting around for three days trying to figure out how to make it up to my boyfriend. Any suggestions?

On a better note, my bf and a couple of his friends, and my favorite girlfriend went out on Saturday night (drinking and dancing) and had a blast! But the best part was he didn’t get jealous a single time! I am quite well known in the small town I live in, I grew up here, and I used to bartend when I was going through college, so I know everyone. So when we go out and I’m talking to different guys and doing the hello hug thing, he normally gets pissy. Well Saturday night my friend and I were talking to my boyfriend, and he said that a year ago my behavior with other men would have sent him over the top, but now he knows that I’m just a very friendly person and me talking to other men means nothing, and that he knows I am going home with him and not any of the others. This is a huge step for us! He has finally realized that I want him and no one else, and that I am just a friendly person who LOVES to talk to everyone I know, guy or girl. The night was awesome, we all had a blast, and all woke up with hangovers in the morning. Thank God for grandparents, I didn’t have to pick up the kiddies until 2, so I had plenty of recovery time!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
In reply to: noahkijd
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 6:08pm

Hello, I just joined the board, and I thougfht I'd share my thoughts.


First off you SHOULD tell your BF the whole truth about you ex BIL, you should not cover up this other man's HUGE mistake, and then keep a distance from this man who could have caused the break up of your relationship.

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: noahkijd
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 9:47pm

Well, I'm glad that you found out the truth and I'm glad your boyfriend accepted your apology.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
In reply to: noahkijd
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 11:10am
It's not that I don't agree with your advice, but I'm just not sure how to work it. My BIL have been friends for over 9 years, and this "crush" thing is new. I think he's just lonely, and it's natural to have feelings for someone you are around constantly. He has never made any advances towards me. I guess I'm just trying to make myself believe that this shouldn't change anything. It's losing me my best friend. Hopefully when he gets into a relationship it'll be different. Who knows? I did tell my boyfriend it was him, no details, just that he was drunk and being silly, but he doesn't buy it. I think he knows what happened. He said he doesn't want me spending so much time with him now, and I understand, but it still sucks. I guess my age is showing for once, and I am being selfish and immature. It's just hard to lose someone you are so close to, especially when they want something more and you see him as nothing more than an awesome older brother. Guess it's time to grow up and put on my big girl britches! I sure am going to miss my pull-ups though!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: noahkijd
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 3:46pm

This story certainly took an interesting twist!! But I am glad it was the BIL and not the BF.

I think that if you and the BF are talking marriage then you have to respect BF's wishes and limit time with the BIL. You would want BF to do the same if the shoe was on the other foot.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: noahkijd
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 11:27pm
I agree, Judy.

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