So Confused...help???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2005
So Confused...help???
3
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 10:24am
Me and my ex husband dated off and on since 7th grade, we eventually went our seperate ways after high school,he got married and I joined the Navy, we were still friends and stayed in contact, I came home from the Navy and he had divorced, I began dating othe people and had a baby, when my daughter was 4 months old we got back together, eventually got married and had 2 more kids, we really had a good life until I found a box of condoms under the seat of his truck with one missing out of the box and he was drinking alot, I filled for divorce, after the divorvce was final I began dating someone else but still loved my ex very much so we got back together, eventually I ended it because I just couldn't get back the trust! A few months later I met a wonderful man who adored me and my kids. My ex began dating a horrible woman, who was married, he was still begging me back, but I wouldn’t budge especially when I found out that his married girlfriend was pregnant. She eventually filled for divorce and had the baby and my ex signed the birth certificate to the baby still not knowing if it was his or not. When the baby was 3 months old he came back to me begging me back because I was single, I agreed to take it slow, he agreed to leave her, but to my surprise he hadn’t and she came after me, I had to file assault charges on her for assaulting me with my 3 kids, I told him that I never wanting to speak to him again, 2 weeks later they got married. He stopped coming and getting the kids for months at a time. I got back together with the man I was dating prior and have a wonderful life with him, we are building a house and everything. Sunday my ex dropped off the kids and was furious to find out that I had my last name changed, then he ask me if I would have an affair with him, how confusing??????
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 11:06am

I believe that your exh is not capable of producing anything near what you want or need and you have to learn to manage him and not get confused by him. You are so lucky to have a new SO/husband and your kids - focus on those and everything will fall into place.

Do not allow yourself to discuss any matters with your exh except for the kids. Give him the cold shoulder and be firm. You have to set boundaries. He might fight those at first but then he will get over it and respect you.

Yo have had a lot of drama - and you can't control your exh - but you can control how you handle it.

Welcome to our board - I am sure you will get more good advice from the others. You will learn a lot if you stay here and we would love to have you!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 1:58pm

Hi! welcome to the board. I guess I'm confused about your confusion. What exactly is your confusion? Because it looks pretty clear to me. Are you angry with your ex for offering you an affair? Or are you tempted?

When emotions are high, our thoughts do get clouded. But we've got to force ourselves to step back and realize how our actions and decisions will affect us and those around us. It doesn't sound to me like your ex has any idea what a stable monogomous and trusting marriage is.

Your ex is offering you an affair. A chance to be the other woman. A chance to throw away your current "wonderful" situation for a cheap thrill. He is married to the woman who assaulted you the first time around for just agreeing to see him again, so why would you even consider putting yourself into harm's way like this?

At one point during all of this you told your ex you never wanted to speak to him again. I think you were on the right track then. Cut off ALL communication with him, except for that which is necessary for the kids. And move on with your life.

It sounds like you have a pretty good chance now at a really good relationship and future with a man you describe as "wonderful" and who adores you and your kids. Do you love him? Do you see a future with him?
Decide if the man your with now is the right man for you, is the one you want, and the one you want to build a future with and give him all of your time and energy. Don't waste it on your ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 9:01pm

"I got back together with the man I was dating prior and have a wonderful life with him, we are building a house and everything. "

You have a wonderful life with the man you're with now? Why do you even talk to your exh? You should only discuss the kids with him and that's it. My exh would never be able to express fury with me if I changed my name or got remarried. I'd cut him off before he'd have a chance to say anything.

If my exh ever suggested having an affair with me, I would tell him how wildly inappropriate that is and if he continued to harrass me that way, I'd see him in court for using visitation to hit on me.

Don't screw up things by having anything to do with your ex. He is a lost cause.