So that didn't work, now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2007
So that didn't work, now what?
5
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 6:32am
Was married for 17 years, separated/divorced now 10 yrs. Was in a relationship with my ex b/f for 9 yrs. Never really been in the land of dating before and not really liking it. See, I married my ex husband while in high school, first year of high school actually, met my ex b/f a year after separating from my husband. Not sure where to start in this dating pool. I'm scared because ex b/f was abusive, which is why I finally left him. I know all guys are not the same. But with no real experience, how do I tell the good from the evil,lol. I don't even know where to start, I hate the bar scene, won't find anything there, but guys like my ex b/f. This internet dating is for the birds. It has been a year since I left my ex, I have been out on two dates and never made any real effort after that to meet someone, because I am not sure how to go about it. Also, how do you get your children to understand that you need a social life too? When I have gone out, they act as if I am abandoning them, which does not help at all and they are 11, 17 and 2, not that the two year old really cares,lol. I am lost in this and just need a little advice on where to start.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 10:06am

Hello and welcome - glad you found us!! Glad you got out of an abusive relationship and have the strength and wisdom to ask the questions you do here - they are all very good! And you will find the answers if you participate in our threads.

I think what I would do, and did do, is to get my life back on track all on its own - be happy as a single for a while. Meet new friends, find new activities.

Spend time reading some good dating books and articles so you can develop a shopping list of what you must have and what you can't stand. Then start worrying more about that than impressing the other person.

There is a great book called - Date or Soulmate - how to make a decision in 2 dates or less by Neil Clark Warren. I find it is very good for giving you the knowledge and confidence to make a better decision. Basically you go on a casual date as sort of an interview. Take an forensic approach to how your guy communicates before during and after the date. Is he into you - asking you questions and making eye contact? Does he want to know about you or does he talk about himself? What is his history as a child and in his past relationships and with his parents? Does he make plans for a date with you in mind - does he want to please you? Is he nice to the waitress.

These are all so basic but are really the key.

The other thing you need is a ton of patience. Get yourself happy alone so you are not so needy the first one to come along captures your eye regardless of the basic criteria I have explained above. Toughen up - you have to kick bad ones to the curb and you have to be able to be rejected by guys for no apparent reason (why doesn't he call?).

Hope this helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 10:59am

"Get yourself happy alone so you are not so needy the first one to come along captures your eye"


That's the BIGGEST point, I think.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 11:15am

West and Alison has aHUGE point going here, and I totally agree!!!


I know that when I've been needy, I would be jumping for any man who would pay some spittle of attention to me. I was like a puppy dog, willing to just follow anyone anywhere. Sad!!!!!


And you know that alot of abusive men CAN be great charmers. They can shower the attention and they can say all the right things. But if you have that underlying foundation in yourself- that you are secure in WHO you are, and secure in knowing that even if you let this one nice man (or hidden-evil charmer) go... another one WILL come along some other day, and you CAN catch the attentions of another person. You are NOT limited to his ONE guy, as if it's your only chance. There simply is no need to hang on for dear life, if you are secure in who you are. And if you are secure in knowing for real- that you are going to be okay, or doing okay- BY YOURSELF.


That's a huge one too- not just knowing that you can attract someone

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 11:27am

More thoughts here...


Also, how do you get your children to understand that you need a social life too?


My input on that one is to ask if you have girlfriends that you can get out with? Do dinners, or go shopping, or movies... just to have your OWN social life without the kids? Going out with a girlfriend doesn't mean going out to find a man. It means going out to be YOU, with a friend, and doing fun, safe, interesting things. WITHOUT a man!! That way, your kids can see that you DO have a social life apart from just family/kid things.


A happy mom

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 12:22pm

The book that helped me the most when I got back into dating was "How To Get A Date Worth Keeping" by Henry Cloud. My whole attitude was changed and I began to appreciate each stage or phase of the dating process.... Also I learned to take my time in getting to know someone (six months) and that it's okay to date more than one at a time. The best way to get over the nerves of a first date is to go out with someone else.. in other words, not obsess over one too quickly.

Also I view dating as a blessing (instead of an interview). I try to bless the other person with a good/fun time... full of laughs and smiles. Sure I look for the things that west mentioned... cues like how he treats the waitress is a biggy... But I have a good time (or I don't go out with that person again).. And if he never calls again, i don't see it as a waste or take it personally. Again, I had a good time, my life is fuller and i move on. I count it all as joy.

Welcome to the board.

Loonybunny