So.. girls y'all were right....
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| Tue, 07-18-2006 - 9:47am |
Well... my friend calls this morning and says that her husband told her that this guy we're gonna start calling him "J" because I cant keep saying this guy. Well "J" asked my friends husband " What? Am I the last one to know? " He also said I stopped calling him and he didn't know why and I guess like me we both just figured he stopped calling me or
I stopped calling him, well right now it doesn't matter.
I should've told him and not let my friends husband do it. I just didn't know what reaction I would get, I'm afraid in that sense, kind of like a fear of rejection, I guess.
I texted him this morning, I'm sorry. I'll tak to you soon. I feel so bad, on top of everything else going on in my life and I should've taken some serious advice from you girls and my gut just wouldn't let me. I know now, not to be scared of everything.
I have an appointment with the attorney today. my ex filed a petition for paternity and in it he wants standard state guidelines for visitation, child support and he thinks he's gonna get off paying me $80 for 3 kids. I laughed. He is working off trhe books so no one can make him pay based on $165 a day. But I said fine, I'll agree, I'll drop the injunction if he agrees to meet me at a police station for the kids, anger management classes and parenting classes, I'll agree to everything else, because this is temporary, and I can go back to court anytime I would like. So... I'm gonna have my attorney contact his and try and do this without court. Maybe we can set up a mediation between all four of us. He wont last the first month with having to pick them up. He probably wont agree. This is his mothers doing and his mom told my mom if I fight they are gonna make life hell for my friends, his former boss. So.. I dont want anyone involved in this... but me and him .
Oh and my IUD strings are gone, and I cant feel them. So... that incerases my chances even more of being pregnant. And with visitation he wont have them, he'll drop them off with his family, which I feel more secure with anyways, and that'll give me some time every other weekend and every wednesday and the last 2 weeks of summer, too.... I'm queasy talking about this, I just wanna cry. I am crying, it's so hard for me to let mykids go be with those type of people, I just dont have 3 - 8 thousand dollars to fight him, he doesn't eitehr but he has so much extended family and I'd lose with no money to begin with. So I'm gonna do this temporary thing and go to legal aid afterwards and see about changing. I've gotta do whats right for me and my kids and I've nothing wrong. If I being a good mother and having friends and family on my side is such a bad thing, then he is a monster. And if he finds out I'm pregnant, he'll use it against me and say that I am sleeping around while I have my kids...... I'm scared, but like I said I am not gonna let that stop me not again. Thanks for the advice girls next time I'll listen to it.

Oh sweetie (((((HUGS)))))
First off, I'm glad you understand NOW that you SHOULD have talked to him first- he will be upset that everyone else seems to know but him, and HE'S the one DIRECTLY affected by the news.
I just got off the phone with "J". I told him I was sorry for letting our friend tell him and me not being able to. I told him I couldn't tell him, I sat and contemplated telling him and I just couldn't. He is so mad. He asked how long I knew about it and I told him two weeks, and he said pretty crappy ( well not that word but you know ) that I didn't tell him. He asked if I had been with anyone else, and I said no, thats not me, what I did with you isn't me either. He said alright reckon aint nothing I can do about it. I said nope guess not. I tell him, look dont think I did this on purpose. I was on birth control and I'll find out definitely on aug. 4. I said if I hadn't been on birth control it wouldn't have happened. Well guess waht that sparked something because he said wait, if you hadn't been on birth control you would have never done anything with me, and I said no no no I didn't mean it that way I meant you know I would've made sure we used a condom. I told him I could no longer feel my IUD strings and that I guess it moved. I dunno, and hey I might not be I'll find out in 2 or 3 weeks, right? HE said yeah I reckon, well alright. And that was it.
I feel terrible. I just let on of the nicest guys I've ever met in my life turn in to a jerk off towards me, because thats just me I guess., I have that knack. I can turn any guy into a complete jerk.
I guess I'll let him calm down, call him in a couple of days, or maybe I should just wait until the 4th. I'm cramping and crying and confused and queasy, butterflies in my stomach. I told him look I've had three kids, I know what it feels like to be pregnant, and he said oh..... yeah. thanks for letting me vent, i'm so far down right now, the only way to go is up, right?
First of all, the PG thing is a huge scary surprise for you and that guy - so even though you should have told him, don't beat yourself up - no matter what you did or do it is not easy for you or for him. Sit down and talk to him and explain your feelings and what you are going through. I hope he helps you somehow. Second, it is not anything you will have to worry about for another 3/4 of a year so for now put it on the back burner so you can deal with this stuff with your exh.
I really DON'T think you should just agree to everything and then think you are going to change it later. It is my understanding that once something is agreed to it is VERY difficult to change. And really, it just gets harder to go back and change things when people get used to them. It is hard for you, him, the kids.
Please go to legal aid now and try to interview different attorneys to see if you can find someone to afford to help you. Try to get things as close to you can for what is best for you and the kids. PLEASE!!
I really think you have to get that out of the way first and not think of anything else but that now - focus!! It is important and it is URGENT as well.
Keep us posted - you can write every day and we will do our best to help you.
I dont want to stress and fight anymore. this other guy has not called and I rreally wanan show him that I'm not wrong and I am a nice person and I'm ready to learn to communicate. Hopefully he'll see what I'm doing with my ex and realize that I'm not out to hurt anybody. Wish me luck ladies with all. Still no AF and still all tests are a big fat neg. except for like 2 of them. I only take the cheapo ones, because I have inusrance and it'll pay for he drs. office. Hopefulyl I'll know soon enough the truth and life will get less complicated. Also I'll find out when my babies are gone so if in fact I am it';ll give me time to talk to the other guy.
If his family is stable and wants to be a part of their life that is good and it will be good for everyone.
It sounds like you are going to do okay by what you write. I am glad that the child support payments will go through the courts.
He is young - so hopefully as you say he will step into the shoes of a dad better as he ages.
Keep us posted - your note sounds strong here and I think you will be okay.
I'm glad that you're getting things settled down, hopefully he will grow up and be there for his kids.
I hope you don't mind me stepping in a posting something here. I am brand new to this board and haven't read any other posts yet.
BE CAREFUL agreeing to anything "temporary" and then going with legal aid. I'm not trying to knock you down...just be certain that you will be able to make changes later. This is a very unfair and unjust system we are dealing with where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's just my experience and I caution anyone to make certain they are making a decision they can live with forever. What seems temporary may in fact be permanent unless it's written correctly and there's money to fight to change it later.
Good luck.