So how is it that anyone ever dates???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
So how is it that anyone ever dates???
11
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 2:35pm

I have had so many men "interested", calling, e-mail or whatever. No one ever wants to actually go out. Or they simply beat around the bush. I'm not quite sure. I don't remember this being so difficult the last time I did it. I also have been very clear that I'm not up for "booty calls". I have had a couple of men ask to "come home with me" and I said, I'm sorry but I don't do that. OLD seems the same. They e-mail, maybe even call a few times but never actually want to get together.

What is the deal? I am losing my patience with all this. They continue to call for weeks even months on end. Some calls I have quit taking because it has been going on for too long. I would figure men around 40 to be more mature. I see some of you here date a lot. I just don't know how it happens.

I said something to a male friend of mine. I ran into someone a couple of weeks ago that seemed somewhat interested in me last summer but never asked me out. I told him that I had run into B and he remembered me but couldn't quite remember from where (unbelievable). Anyhow we were talking about B and I said, "YOu know he never actually asked me out". He said "really". Then he went on to say that I'm "somewhat intimidating". I asked him what he meant and he said that I'm just so attractive that men are intimidated (that is crazy I'm average at best although I do think my friend thinks I'm that attractive). Anyhow B complimented me but again didn't ask me out and didn't ask for my number although he raced after me to get my attention as I was leaving. Am I supposed to let them know by actually hitting them over the head that I'm interested or it would be nice to get together or whatever. I have no idea.

I feel like I should just quit answering the phone!!!! GRRRRR!!!!!

HELP ME

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 4:32pm

Well, I just started in this thing and I have this guy who is doing the same thing to me! We talk and email and text....but no invitations out. FINALLY he halfway asked me to go see this band and I finally said I was going with my friend because I didn't want to wait for him to ask. Well after what has to be a month or two we finally met last Friday night. Now I'm smitten with him but what do ya do!

I'm guessing that maybe...sometimes...it doesn't hurt to initiate a meeting. Then again, I have no idea what I'm doing so I'm interested in everyone else's take.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 4:39pm

I feel your pain my sister, as I wonder as well. OLD is nothing but guys playing games, in the couple of years I have tried it, I only got one actual date out of it(he turned out to be a creep). I have no other means to meet men and to make matters worse my xh only takes dd for 1 to 2 hours per week that's it. He hasn't taken her overnight in 3 or more years, he tried this weekend and now she won't go because she's older and likes her creature comforts that he won't(by choice) provide. I told him that he let too many years go by. Babysitters are non-exisitant here. The good thing is that in a couple of years she can stay home by herself(maybe then I can actually have a social life).

I've heard that I'm intimidating also because I'm a alpha female and most men can't handle a strong, confident women-that's why they like them young for the most part because older woman see right through their bs(I would pass on them anyway).
I wouldn't worry about these guys though, any guy that's too intimidated by anything is not worth having anyway as it shows insecurity.

Good luck to you.

The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 5:17pm
I know exactly what you guys mean, I have met mine and am supposed to see him again tommorow night but it has taken a little work. I have still not gone an official "date" but do people still do that . Oh well I dont know I wish us all good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 7:29pm

I understand exactly what you're saying. Men can be intimidated by things other than looks, though. People who seem happy, confident, are upbeat and friendly are the most attractive- but it can also be intimidating to someone if they think you're completely cool and with it.

I'm not saying don't act like yourself- continue being yourself, of course! But sometimes you do have to hit men over the head with a (metaphorical) brick. I think I've gotten pretty good at droppping hints- if a guy asks what I'm doing on a specific day, I'll say, "oh, no definite plans yet, you?" (Obviously only if I have no definite plans and would like to make some with him) That often gets them to invite me to do something. If I said, "well, I have to do the laundry, help the kids with homework, catch up on some reading and laundry", they might think I was too busy to get together, and wouldn't bother asking. Truth is, I will still do all of those things, but I can go on a date too.

Guys don't always get sublety, so make sure you aren't being too subtle, and that you're approachable.

Also- the OLD thing- I make it fairly clear from the beginning that I'm not signed up on a pen-pal website. If I don't feel like meeting someone within the first couple of weeks, I probably won't ever. I just don't need to waste my time answering a bunch of emails and IMs and talking on the phone to someone I know I'm not into before even having met. If he doesn't initiate a meeting within a couple of weeks of regular contact, I assume he feels the same way and move on to someone else.

Good luck, stick around, and keep us posted!

Moody, a dating disaster quite often


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 9:18pm

As we can all see by this thread, dating is not easy. And especially in mid life where the dating pool has receded, you have fewer ways to meet new people, and little people afoot that wreck any kind of hope to get out of the house a lot. I think we all feel this way. I totally know what you mean. I had this guy who has the same interest, is the same age and all he wants to do is call and talk about himself. I think he just had too much of a trainwreck of a marriage and divorce to ever start again. It is sad.

The only thought I can add to the glorious posts from everyone else (great job girls!!), is that you have the rest of your life to find MrRight so don't feel you have to do that right this minute, not that you do - you simply want to have a date, I know. But it helps to realize it is going to take some time.

If you focus more on having fun and building your social life and network it will get easier for you to meet new people. I think men know when us girls REALLY want to meet someone and have a date and it is sort of scary to them, even though your intentions are right. I mean, what if you were at work and there was a girl who REALLY wanted a friend - you would be like - that is wierd because she is trying so hard for such an objective that should happen naturally.

I also think OLD is frustrating at best. And I don't do it anymore because I don't want to be frustrated. Especially in my locale that is so transient - no one here is a native, really. Most of the guys are players or just lookers. And I am sick of it. But there are a few people here who have met nice guys and gone on a lot of dates - so it can be good for those who are patient and who know the ropes.

One thing I wanted to add - is that it helps to be doing something fun and different - not just being on the hunt. For example, I noticed that when DS and I go out for coffee/breakfast/bagels/dinner/whatever with our 2 big dogs, we get SO SO much attention. People come from near and far to ask us what kind of dogs they are, where we got them, how did we handle 2 puppies, etc. etc. I even had one couple demand we stop the car and they parked their car just so they could come and talk to us!! And there was a cute guy I see riding the bike who came to talk to us. (although he turned out to have a ring).

And the other night when I was out running I met this guy who asked me how far I was running - I said 6 or 7 miles - he said what are you training for and I told him about my next race. Turns out he qualified for Boston and is a serious fast marathon runner. I couldn't believe he would run with me because even though I am fit, I am rather slow. We had a great conversation. I am pretty sure he is married - but maybe we will meet again and he will be with a friend.

Next week I am going to a local race so should get to meet a lot of new people.

I hope this helps.




Edited 2/26/2007 9:31 pm ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 9:05am

Thanks, it does help some. I do go out and enjoy myself with my friends. It isn't meeting guys that is the problems. They seem to swarm around. It is just getting beyond the meeting. I'm not really looking for Mr. Right. Just someone of the male persuasion to spend some time with (plus it would be nice to well... you know) and get to know.

There seem to be a ton of guys out there just none willing to move towards actually doing something other than the occassional phone call. I didn't know if it was an epidemic or just me. I guess maybe a little bit of both. Maybe I can find a male friend that I already know to meet some of the "needs" (although that can be problematic if I want nothing more).

Have a good day.

Priscilla (frustrated in several ways)

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Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 9:18am
I agree with the couple weeks thing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 9:45am

>>If they "hint" at going out, & never really ASK me, I just eventually stop answering their emails.<<

I feel that same way in real life, too... if a guy only hints but never actually asks... then I move on. No guts, no glory and if a guy has NO guts to ask me out... oh well.

Side story from Saturday night (that I didn't mention in my other post): I know a guy just like that... he's only ever hinted so I moved on.. but I saw him Sat. and he says... oh I've always wanted to go out with you.... He mentioned the time I kissed this one guy only because I was drunk... I make fun of myself all the time about that one (some of you may recall the story)... So anyhow, I thought fine he wants to kiss me fine... I aggressively gave him a whopper of a kiss... and then was like... "alright there... we kissed... now are you satisfied." But I don't remember exactly what I said.... Then, Larry, who saw what I did, gave the guy a high five... "You da man," he said.

I haven't had much luck or fun with OLD either.. but I might try it again in the future.

LB

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Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 9:56am

My recommendation is this book "How To Get A Date Worth Keeping" by Henry Cloud. On the cover of the book it says "be dating in 6 months or your money back." When I read that book I hadn't dated in 2 years.... and in only 2 months I started getting dates... (even though the first one was with a guy I wasn't even interested in).

Sounds like you meet a lot of guys and that's the first step and is a "part" of dating. Sometimes dating isn't about the date, but about the meeting and the first flirt and getting the phone number. I think if you started enjoying that part of it in itself... then, you'll see how active your dating life is... and that joy will spill over into a dinner or a movie or something else. There are many "parts" to dating and each one is enjoyable. Keep moving forward. How about sharing some stories of "how/where" you are meeting these guys. We could all use some new meeting techniques.

For me, I took the pressure off of myself... I'm not as concerned over a first or second date... I feel successful if I got his name, if I made eye contact and smiled, if I had a fun conversation. For me, those are all victories in dating. And one of these contacts will turn into something more, but for now.. I take it one day at a time.

Good Luck,

LB

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 11:49am

Well, Priscilla, I think we should all head over to rlch's house - she is getting a LOT of dates!! :-)

I think it is great that you are getting out so much. One of these days one of them will surprise you.

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