So I am taking a chance on separated guy
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| Sun, 05-22-2005 - 10:15pm |
because he seems so into me I just can't resist. He begged our mutual friend for my phone number. Even used a BS wanted to know more about your lawyer line just to get me to talk to him. Then, made his move when we all went out as a group! We have talked every day on the phone for hours!!! We are going out as a group again this weekend. I am the one who insists we see each other in a group until his divorce is finalized. I enjoy the way he kisses, and the way he talks, and his sense of humor, and the fact that he is so honest about what he is thinking/feeling at the moment.
Anyway, I have some concerns (of course I do). The first is that he seems so over his wife, who he has only been legally separated from for a month. He claims that it was over long before then. The second is that he says I am the first he has kissed/dated/etc since his wife. This makes me a little nervous cause he is my first too and I don't want the realtionship to start off strong and fizzle. The third is that he seems to want me to meet his family and friends, other than our mutual friends. I don't want to be the new girlfriend he parades around town....especially because if his ex finds out ...she might make the divorce harder to obtain. I get the impression ex isn't willing to let go as easily. Which of course nags my mind to think that there is always a chance he will go back to his wife.
Advice from those who have been there is appreciated on how to proceed with this relationship!!

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I think you take a chance on any relationship. And you know you are taking a chance here, especially with a separated guy.
I like that you have set a boundary that you will only date in a group setting before the divorce is final. I hope that you can stick to this as passion/emotions start to run high, as they do in the beginning. You will have to do all you can to be firm with that and keep it slow.
The part about him being totally over his wife so soon is a red flag. And the part about her not wanting the divorce is an even bigger red flag. Those two things would probably scare me off and make me say, "call me when you are really DONE." I would NOT meet any of his family and friends until it is DONE because that would make me feel cheap and awkward. It is like he is in denial of what he is REALLY doing. Does he have children?
What do you really want? Just to have fun now and get dating experience even if it means bumps and bruises? Or are you really ready to meet your soulmate? If this is the latter I would urge you to pass. Otherwise, put on your helmet!!
"The part about him being totally over his wife so soon is a red flag. And the part about her not wanting the divorce is an even bigger red flag."
When I first posted here about dating someone who is separated a lot of the responses said that they started dating because they were over their marriage...which is why I didn't think this was a red flag but still an issue since exes never really go away.
I am not sure of his soon-to-be-ex wife's reasons for wanting to stay in the marriage. But from who I have spoken to, it appears it is everything BUT that she loves him.
I am looking to have fun and hopefully find "the one" at the same time. I won't meet any of his family and I won't meet with him on a date without friends until the papers are signed. I do plan on talking to him on a one to one while we are out in the group, and I do plan on kissing him, etc. But as I told him, until the papers are signed, I will have the scenario of him returnng to his wife running through my head. I am not a fling, and I am not the go to girl when things get rough.
Best wishes. I think it's a good idea that you are restricting things to group dates. There should be no rush to enter into an intimate relationship.
The thing that concerns me the most, is that you mentioned his ex several times in your original post. This means that the ex is being mentioned frequently during your dates/phone calls. Which means, he's not over his ex. Far from it. He's been separated for just one month. He feels lonely. He was lonely in the marriage. He doesn't sound ready to date.
A person who is ready to date does not feel loneliness. He should be a person who has his life together and wants to share his life with a woman. No loneliness.
I guess I am just confused because I feel like I am supposed to be following some kind of guideline but then some people here say there really isn't any.
Really, you are going to do what you're going to do.
My best advice, based on what you've said in your posts, is that you look for a more stable man and not pursue a relationship with this particular separated guy. Sounds like he's in the middle of a contentious divorce. You've already expressed concern that he'll go back to his wife. None of this is a good foundation to start a relationship.
Your own loneliness could be clouding your judgment. I start the best relationships when I'm not looking to date and when I don't feel lonely. The worst relationships that I've ever had have been products of my own loneliness.
You absolutely can be alone and not be lonely.
That is exactly the point - that he is lonely and craving attention and sex from an unhappy marriage.
If you are lonely you are going to settle for the wrong guy. You have to work hard to make yourself not lonely so you are picky.
Always make sure you look at a situation and guy for what is in it for you - not that you are just trying to please him and not be lonely.
I think that you should give this a big chill - not see him too much or talk to him too much. Only go out in groups. See what happens over time. Be friends first.
While I agree with the loneliness theory here, I also have to add that being lonely isn't always a bad thing. Trust me, I can't afford to settle for the wrong guy again.
All of us on this board have some level of loneliness or we wouldn't be chatting about every prospect we meet. No one wants to be alone. It is human nature.
I will proceed with caution!
I hope you will stick with the group dates. Please, it's for the best. Like West said, keep it a friendly thing.
Please, please, please, keep looking around at other dating prospects. Go out with other men when the opportunity presents itself. Keep us posted. I hope to hear about more of your prospects soon (you're right...we all post about every date. i posted about my first coffee date with my current BF. it's all exciting)
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