So I am taking a chance on separated guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
So I am taking a chance on separated guy
26
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 10:15pm

because he seems so into me I just can't resist. He begged our mutual friend for my phone number. Even used a BS wanted to know more about your lawyer line just to get me to talk to him. Then, made his move when we all went out as a group! We have talked every day on the phone for hours!!! We are going out as a group again this weekend. I am the one who insists we see each other in a group until his divorce is finalized. I enjoy the way he kisses, and the way he talks, and his sense of humor, and the fact that he is so honest about what he is thinking/feeling at the moment.

Anyway, I have some concerns (of course I do). The first is that he seems so over his wife, who he has only been legally separated from for a month. He claims that it was over long before then. The second is that he says I am the first he has kissed/dated/etc since his wife. This makes me a little nervous cause he is my first too and I don't want the realtionship to start off strong and fizzle. The third is that he seems to want me to meet his family and friends, other than our mutual friends. I don't want to be the new girlfriend he parades around town....especially because if his ex finds out ...she might make the divorce harder to obtain. I get the impression ex isn't willing to let go as easily. Which of course nags my mind to think that there is always a chance he will go back to his wife.

Advice from those who have been there is appreciated on how to proceed with this relationship!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 12:00pm

Ah this is great advice. Treat them like cars - keep driving different ones until you find a good model that is into you and for the right price!!

I was thinking about the lonely versus loneliness thing. You just have to get your life to where it is so good you won't settle. This takes time. Sure, you will be lonely sometimes, but you will be so happy by yourself that you won't look at the wrong guy.

I have set the stakes very high - I am having so much fun staying fit and being with my friends and son that it will take a LOT to land me!! Maybe too much - and I am adding on so much to my house. First the pool and now a kitchen. I have worked hard on my business - and on me. Have cleaned all of the closets, redone my wardrobe, am getting teeth fixed - everything.

And now I am picky. For example, this guy on match has been writing and although he sounds nice he is not enough - he is 6 years older, sedentary and busy with his job and his kids that he would have no weekends. So I am not pursuing.

In days gone past I would have given him a shot. Also I am having thoughts that I would want another child - being with someone older who doesn't want kids would not make that possible. I will always have that option at a later time. So why settle now?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 12:27pm
I am on match too. Oh yeah! I have standards. First, you have to have a job/career and a college education...doesn't matter if it's a AAS or BS or PhD but I think I relate better to those conversation wise. Goals are very important....if you don't have a goal you are working towards, what are you doing with your life?
I also want more children, and that is not a compromise. Family orientated is a must. I had a guy tell me he went fishing on Christmas! Spirituality/religion is important. You gotta beleive in something bigger than us!
I am not too picky with appearances but for goodness sake a man should take care of himself. I am overweight but I take care of myself, dress appropriately, wear my makeup, etc. I prefer guys who can dance and don't mind being in jeans or a tux. I've met the type who wear shorts and sneakers on special occasions! The guy should own or at the very least rent your own place....no guys who live with their parents!
There's more but I have to run to a meeting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 12:49pm
Your pickiness will pay off. I wouldn't date a guy either who never had a free weekend. I can do every other weekend, but not week night dates only.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 12:58pm

He is a fireman - so he has a crazy schedule. And 3 kids. But he sounds sort of lazy/sedentary and that I don't like. I really think I want a shot at more kids. Or someone active with older kids. Active would have to be there.

I think it is good that I have decided to remodel the kitchen - keeping me very busy - and by accident ran into lowes with a mini skirt! I had so much help!! Didn't plan it that way - had to check on a refrigerator style on the way out to the movies!!

Here is a pic of the stove - you will die when you see this - but you have to understand that I am a former chef and this is so so wonderful - it is coming from FRANCE!!
http://www.frenchranges.com/images/sr-cluny999.jpg

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 1:14pm

Wow, that's a beautiful stove!!!! I absolutely love it. I wish I needed something like that, but my cooking skills are lacking.

I wish I had been a fly on the wall at Lowe's. I bet you got tons of help LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 1:34pm
yes - this will keep me out of trouble!
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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:38pm

Hi darlin,

Hmmmm, I can understand you wanting to be in a relationship and feeling lonely and having that feeling of being in love again or just even cared for. I think this guy is giving you an incredible ego boost that you need, but I do have my doubts about him running from one serious relationship into another one because of his fear to be lonely. WE all have done that or do that. It's human nature to want companionship and not to want to be alone, but I feel, after 5yrs of having done the dating thing and actually cold turkey stopped it last September that it paid off totally. I made such huge leaps with loving myself and understanding things about me and learning to except and learning not to except certain things, that I am now in a relationshíp and totally ready for it. I am with someone I have never been with before. He puts me first in every way and he puts the kids first and he things that I am the ONE. He also didn't date for a year and it wasn't that he couldn't, it was just that he didn't want to JUST date anyone. He went through therapy after his divorce which I find incredible for anyone to do and he learned alot about himself and did lot's of things to keep himself occupied so he wouldn't be so alone. Somewhere along the line he told me that he didn't miss the need to date or spending time with himself. That is when he stopped looking. I had stopped looking and then BOOM! We met and that was that. It is still really new for us. About a month, but we are happy and everyday just gets better and better. The best part about it, is that we haven't been physical with each other and that we met on a total professional basis and therefore we are now just learning the insides and out and the rest, the physical will come later and that can only be the icing on the cake.
Try to take more time for yourself. Don't let this guy over run you and just keep your eyes and ears open. Your obviously worried about how short this guy has been separated and you definitely should be. GO WITH YOUR GUT FEELING!

Hugs sweetie and stay strong.

Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:59pm

Catherine,

That was a really sweet message. I hope mixedupmom2b realizes how much we all feel this way and only want the best for her. I feel bad like we popped her balloon, but I don't want her to be sad further down the road.

In the beginning I would have dont exactly the same thing as mixedupmom2b - I would have fallen for that attention and ego boost. And I did - crashed and burned a few times. But now I am strong and ready. I hope I get as lucky as you and fivesense!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 9:53pm
Catherine,
Thanks for your advice! No my balloon hasn't burst....I always buy more than one! LOL! I just really like this guy and I have been very honest with him about how I feel. I told him that I didn't want to be a rebound girl. He said he didn't want to be the rebound for me either (i have been divorced 6 months and haven't dated much) so since we have mutual friends we see each other quite often and we are going to date....mostly in groups to keep things on the low until his divorce is final. We are also going to see other people if the opportunity arises. I already have two other guys I am talking to so that I can stop focusing so much on him only. We are basically going to play the wait and see game. And I may or may not get my heart broken....but in the meantime...I am going to revel in the attention while I have it, because I haven't felt like a lady in soooo long and I really think I deserve it!
Of course I will keep you posted!!!
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 12:42pm

It's funny, everyone says that - "I don't want to be a rebound".