So I am taking a chance on separated guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
So I am taking a chance on separated guy
26
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 10:15pm

because he seems so into me I just can't resist. He begged our mutual friend for my phone number. Even used a BS wanted to know more about your lawyer line just to get me to talk to him. Then, made his move when we all went out as a group! We have talked every day on the phone for hours!!! We are going out as a group again this weekend. I am the one who insists we see each other in a group until his divorce is finalized. I enjoy the way he kisses, and the way he talks, and his sense of humor, and the fact that he is so honest about what he is thinking/feeling at the moment.

Anyway, I have some concerns (of course I do). The first is that he seems so over his wife, who he has only been legally separated from for a month. He claims that it was over long before then. The second is that he says I am the first he has kissed/dated/etc since his wife. This makes me a little nervous cause he is my first too and I don't want the realtionship to start off strong and fizzle. The third is that he seems to want me to meet his family and friends, other than our mutual friends. I don't want to be the new girlfriend he parades around town....especially because if his ex finds out ...she might make the divorce harder to obtain. I get the impression ex isn't willing to let go as easily. Which of course nags my mind to think that there is always a chance he will go back to his wife.

Advice from those who have been there is appreciated on how to proceed with this relationship!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 8:27pm
There are a couple of things that concern me about this guy. Why a legal separation and not a divorce? Is there not a divorce because of religious reasons? You are right: separated is still married. There is separated and there is SEPARATED with the divorce in the works. In any case, this guy is most definitely REBOUNDING. I was caught up in this once. He was on then off, hot then not knowing about the kid thing, etc. What are you looking for? A good time? Then this is Mr. Right Now. But if you are looking for something serious leading to a long term relationship...is it likely that that is where he is, too? It's more common for people to get themselves out there and have a really good time.
But you ask about how to proceed with this relationship? with thick skin.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 10:02pm

I'll agree with downbythebay.

Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 9:38am

They were going through mediation. But since that isn't going well, he has made appointments with lawyers and intends to file soon. The good thing is I am still living my life. I am going on several vacations this summer and parties, etc, without him of course and I am still talking to other guys I have met.

I will be happier (more secure) when the papers are filed and I feel that the divorce is moving along, and I told him that. In the meantime, he is on my "Mr. Right now maybe Mr. Right" list.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 11:23am
That sounds like a good attitude, keep your dating options open and don't get monopolized by this guy. Let them finalize the divorce and child visitation thing and then when he's free and done with those chores, invite him to give you a call (for exclusivity). I was well and truly separated for two years (who says a divorce takes 6 mos in CA?!) when I met my DH. When people asked if we were married, my (then boyfriend) would reply, which one of us, oh, you mean to each other? I was 'married' for three months when I was dating my SO, but I had already been separated for two years and had dated lots before I met him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2005
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 11:46am

Hi Mixed Up
I am a single Mom of a 5yr old daughter. I have been in a relationship with a separated Man for over 1 yr now. He is finally divorced after a 2 yr separation. I have to tell you that every problem he had has been ours. I am in the middle of ending our relationship. The divorce played a role in our relationship big time. His problems were ours. You can only take so much of an ex-wife trying to destroy a relationship. Although you are trying to stay within a group you are involved with his world.

Please try and date outside of him and you will realize that you belong on top of his list not on the bottom. You should always remember that you should be first in a realtionship (unless children are involved). Don't settle for less than that. Also try and keep your children out of this one until you know for sure he is the one.

Being a single parent makes us realize that we arent the only one involved in a realtionship, our children are part of that too. I always try and picture my relationship and see how it would be with my daughter involved. If I feel it will only turn into a problem and not a good thing, than I think it over until it will work or not.

From one single parent to another. I wish you all the luck with this relationship and hope all works out for you. Not all separated man are equal but the majority of them need time alone to sort out their own problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 1:52pm

I'll give you my two cents however we all have to remember that everybody and every situation is different.

I fell in love, yes, the "L" word, with a separated man. We both had so much in common, past relationships, family morals, cultural similarities and overall the desire to settle down and have a family. When I met him he was also very over his ex, even asked me to help him in moving forward with their divorce. All he wanted to do was rid of her existance and start a new life with me and my daughter. We met each other's families and had such respect of each other. Of course I was skeptical at first, and worried but mostly I was ecstatic. I wasn't one to let my guard down easily but he was the one, he had to be.

Fast forward and I find myself crying on the phone while he tells me that after having spent an afternoon with his ex and feels the need that he has to give their marriage one last try.

All I would recommend is for you to be careful that's all. It's very easy to get caught up because, let's be honest, we all want to meet an awesome guy that adores us back. There will always be the possibility of someone going back to their ex, especially if there's a lot of history, wether they're divorced or not. But it's easier to try again when things aren't final yet, you know? Though my heart is still broken and I'm left to pick up the pieces by myself my biggest regret was that I introduced him to my daughter. After the breakup she'd always ask why he didn't come around anymore, he was so good with her that I'm sure he left an impression. Since we're mothers we have to be extra cautious of who will potentially be involved in the lives of our children.

Good luck!

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