So I Told Him To Cool It....
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| Tue, 05-10-2005 - 8:17pm |
Okay, so I had a terrible day yesterday b/c of my ex husband, and I wasn't in the mood, to say the least, to feel pressured from this new guy. So, I had a little chat with him, and told him to lay off of it for a while. I put it nicely though. I just explained to him that he was pressuring me, and I just couldn't take it. He said that he understood, and appreciated the fact that I was being honest with him. I also told him that I just wanted to take things day by day....seemed to do the trick, until he called me later.
Like I said, I had a horrible day yesterday, and was very stressed. So, when he called me later, I apologized to him if I seemed a little mean or unnerved. He proceeds to tell me that he understood b/c he was in love with me. HELLO...did I not ask him to lay off of the I love you stuff right now.
Anyways...this is why my last post was titled "what's wrong with me." My family, especially my mother and grandmother, think it's totally absurd for me to be scared off by this guy. He is the first guy that has treated me nice in forever. So, basically they think that I'm after the same type of guy as my ex...abusive, mean, etc. But that's not it...I just want someone to act normal! So, I can't help but feel like there is something wrong with me for not being a least a little smitten by this guy who, in everyone elses opinion, is a prince charming.
I'm just not ready for the big "L" word right now. When I think about it, part of me feels like I would just be better off alone. Anyways...this may be wrong, but my mother says to think long and hard before I tell this guy to hit the road, b/c of right now, there are no other prospects in sight. I know that's mean, and wrong, but part of me thinks she's right. So, I go day by day, hoping that part of me will start feeling something for this guy....
I don't know....I don't want to be the type of person to just string someone along. I don't see the guy everyday...talk to him some on the phone, etc. But, if you truly like someone, don't you want to spend most of your extra time with them (instead of cleaning your house or taking naps...lol).
Maybe it's me, maybe not....just a little confused and a lot stressed!
Kait

I think you should listen to yourself and not your mom and grandma. You should never do something for the sole purpose of pleasing someone else!!
I think they are wrong to tell you to hang on to this. But they are only doing that because they are afraid for you to be alone or make the wrong decision - they see him as being okay because he is nice. If I was you I would not discuss any relationship with them until I was sure I wanted it and it was going to work!! Much better that way!!
I think that you have tried to talk to him and he has clearly shown you that he is not capable of listening. Now you have your answer and you can be sure what to do.
There is nothing wrong with being alone and being strong on your own. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with wanting to develop a friendship/relationship slowly. It sounds like you have been through a bad marriage so you need time to heal and to be sure and to go slow. I think you are very normal.
I am sorry to hear you had a bad day yesterday because of your ex. I know first hand that is a very bad thing. It is like they have the inside story to know how to push your buttons!!
Be true to you - and to no one else!!
Kait,
Give yourself some time. You don't have to date every guy who shows interest, nor do you have to keep dating someone you just don't feel *something* with.
Your family is wrong for pressuring you to keep with this guy, just to have a guy. Why are they so interested in you being with this guy, even though you're not in to him? What is their agenda here? Do they not believe that you can and will do better? What is their motivation for you to give him another chance?
There is nothing wrong with you saying, "this guy isn't for me" and moving on. You know what you're looking for, what you are interested in and what *turns you on*. If this guy isn't doing it for you, why bother? And with him being overly, "I love you, marry me" it's that much harder to WANT to get to know him.
You should never EVER settle for something that you don't want, in ANY area of your life. It's like shopping, if you're looking for the PERFECT coat, car, dog, you wouldn't settle for less than what you want, would you? You'd only get what fit your style, liking, budget, lifestyle.
Also, you should keep your relationships private from your family. Sounds to me like they will be too nosy and not really looking out for your best interest. Don't let some guy you date join you at church the next morning. Wait until you've been dating and getting to know someone at least a few weeks before bringing him up in conversation.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Alison
he can't love you. I don't care HOW it's ever worked out for other people. YOu can't love someone you don't know.
Some people think they have love at first sight but what they have maybe is attraction at first sight and THEN the personalities work out too. But I don't think that happens in most cases. You are NOT weird to think that, and he IS weird to be saying he loves you. He probably wants the image he has in his head of you and him doing what he thinks would be perfect or something. But he can't know you yet, he hasn't seen you in other situations, like BAD times. He can't love you.
Listen to your gut. Maybe your mom doesn't understand and still buys into the "love at first sight" movie stuff.
Your family was probably hurt to see you hurt and now they are falling into the same trap that many of us divorcees do- the swinging pendulem. If he is the total and complete opposite of the last guy than he must be good. But that is overcompensation and it's based on an attempt to repair past hurts rather than based on the reality of the present situation.
Did anyone see that episode of sex and the city where carrie starts dating the russian ans he is really, really romantic and carrie has to come to grips with why she can't stand it. She feels that woman are supposed to want romance so she can't understand why she is being turned off by the super-sweet-with-extra-sugar-on-top-write-me-an-ode-to- love romance that she is being showered with. But it's just too excessive for her sensibilities and she eventually has to tell him, look, i'm american. You're going to have to tone it down a notch. Anyway, Kait's problem made me think of that.
Good luck Kait. And I agree that you should try to keep your family out of your love life for as long as possible. They experiece things from a different angle but think that they know all about how it is for you.
Amy
Kait,
You have had some really good advice already but I wanted to share
"I don't care HOW it's ever worked out for other people. YOu can't love someone you don't know."
This statement has baited me since I posted that love at first sight does exist. I know you have very strong feelings about this Candi, but so do I. There are no absolutes in love. There isn't even a standard definition. Everyone feels love and falls in love in different ways and at different timelines.
Just because some of us fall quicker than others, doesn't mean we're living in the movies or don't understand what love is. I know you won't agree with me, but that doesn't matter. I just had to get my two cents out there, based on my own life's script and my family's.
This has nothing to do with Kait's situation. I agree that if she is not comfortable, she needs to let go, no matter what anyone says.
I guess we'll have to agree to disagree then. I think the attraction you feel for someone at first can be strong. But it doesn't always turn into love. I think if it does it seems like love at first sight.
I'm glad it worked out for you, however it happened. And I certainly didn't intend to bait you or anyone else. Just an opinion like everyone else.