SO JEALOUS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
SO JEALOUS!
7
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 4:21pm

I've posted on other boards before (check Mr. Answer Man, if you're interested...lol) but I thought it best to come here for this specific situation.

SO and I have been together about 2 years. The relationship is shaky (another story!)but I have limited the contact between him and my children as much as possible. If (when) things blow up, I don't want them to miss him the way I would.

Anyway, my eight year old daughter is SO JEALOUS of him she is just unreasonable. She keeps saying he will take me away from her, and the more I reassure her and spend time with her and try to give her a feeling of security nothing helps.

I see SO one night a week, the rest of the time, I'm working or with my kids...I don't know what more I can do. Do I postpone this part of my life and give in to her demands...if not, HOW do I handle her?!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 7:53pm

Hi Blackhillsgold! Welcome to the board! You say you limit contact between your So and children, and that your 8 yo DD is jealous. I am wondering if it's the limited contact that's making her jealous. Maybe she'd deal better if she spent more time with him and you together?
Just a thought, as I don't know your situation, but it might help. How is he when he is around? I'm assuming you have at least one other child- how is that child/children around him, or how are they with the relationship in general?
After 2 years, she ought to be okay with this- is her father in the picture? Any other male role model? Maybe she just needs to adjust, and a consistent loving presence in you will help- even though it's hard, hang in there!

Moody- who wishes she could be more help


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 9:13pm

Thanks for the response...helps to know I'm not alone in this situation. Lexi (the eight year old) was doing good with SO and I up until the past few months. I don't know what changed her tune...

When we first started going out, he spent a fair amount of time with them, and they are always welcome when we are together...if fact, we often ask them along. But Nick (my eleven year old) could care less what a couple of "old fogies" like us are doing. Lexi lopjust gets mad, pitches a fit if I mention that we're going somewhere... even if she's invited. On one hand, I want them comfortable with Mom dating, and then on the other...how to assure them they can't be replaced by any man?

I began limiting the contact because I don't want them to get too close to SO. They have a father that lives a few blocks away, and he and his wife are very good to them...in fact, I think of them as my "brother" and "sister". My SO has commitment problems with ME. I don't want him giving mixed messages to the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 9:13pm

Hi and welcome to the board. I am sure everyone here will pipe in with good ideas for you - they always do and I always enjoy reading them.

I think that somehow this situation is going to sort itself out. It sounds to me like he is going south in your eyes - meaning you don't see it as long term. Of course we are here to listen if you want to explain more.

As to the question with the 8 year old - I think she will grow out of this as she becomes more social and starts to have her own world instead of making you her world.

I don' think you will have to choose. For now, you should focus on what is right for you for the person you are with - you need to make a decision - or ask for more info from him to make a good decision.

I also think it may help if you can just spend more time with her and have fun with her. Life and love have a great way of falling into place when you put your priorities in order. Be selfish!!

Keep us posted - hope this helps you somehow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 9:47pm

My suspicion is that she senses something is not right because you have them spending less time together and she doesn't know what to make of the change, so she's developed this fear as a way to express the stress and uncertainty she's feeling.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 7:03am

Thank you all for your response. Her tantrums are really getting to me and I'm running out of ideas. Last night she had a fit because she caught a frog, and I wouldn't have it in the house. I made her put it on the patio, and when it escaped, the rage began. I've never been a big believer in spanking, but last night, I swatted her behind...and oh, God, the guilt!! I feel guilty for her feeling neglected, I feel guilty for letting her believe that tantrums will get her own way, I feel guilty for not being the mom I think I should be...and I feel like every alternative is the wrong one.

Intellectually, I KNOW better. I am just so afraid of doing the wrong thing with her, I don't know what to do. I remember feeling just this way with my own mother, and I don't want to make the same mistake with Lexi. I try to realistically add up the hours she doesn't have my undivided attention, and it doesn't seem like I'm away that much. I am either working, or with the kids. One night a week, I try and claim (guilt free!) for myself and SO...but I still feel guilty!

On one hand, I want her to feel safe and secure and loved...but I don't want her to have the idea that the world revolves around what she wants. I try to explain this to her, but she's only eight...how much should she be expected to understand? I've told her that, no matter what, she and her brother and I will always be a family...nothing and no one will come between that, but it doesn't seem to help. I've tried to explain that my SO has nothing to do with the love I have for her, and I'm entitled to have friends just like she does, but she still perceives him as a threat.

Perhaps she is picking up on the stress that is going on between SO and I...I do my darndest to seperate my relationship with my kids, and my relationship with him, but I must not be doing it effectively. I've told her no, we are not getting married...no, we are not going to move in with him...that nothing is more important than "the three musketeers" (the kids and I). Nothing seems to help.

Anyone else have the "guilts"? How do you draw the line between your life and theirs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 10:04am
Hi there. So sorry to hear about whats going on with you and your little girl. I have an eight year old son and so I can really relate to the guilt issues. One of the previous posters was so right in saying that eventually her life will not be totally revolving around yours and this will help. Sometimes with my son I feel like he cant breathe unless I am not just with him but talking to him looking at him and absorbing everything around us. Like nothing is enough. when he starts doing that I sense he is afraid I will get a phone call and pull away from him or have to return an email ( I work at home) so he is just demanding my absolute attention in hopes I then will not be able to sense anything else that could distract me. So now when he acts this way I take a bike ride with him so that we are involved in something outside of interacting directly with one another. It takes the pressure off of me and we are still together. He hasnt met my bf yet but I imagine he will at some point. He asked me if I had a boyfriend the other day and I told him I did and ever since he has been very clingy. it is scary to them to think things might change and whatever we tell them, it doesnt really soothe them completely because they sense that change could still happen and they cant control it. The only thing that helps him with this fear of losing his control is to give him other choices to make about the house or dinner or activities or having friends over. This distracts him and reminds him of how much control he still has in his life even though I am still regulating everything. One of my friends asked me once why I always give him choices on simple things ( like doesnt that make things more complicated) and of course I dont always do this but to me ever since he was little it has give him a say in his life and he responds well to it. I told my friend that the trick is to not let any of the choices be a wrong choice:) I remember even when he was tiny with vegetables at the table I wouldnt ask if he wanted green beans or not - I would ask if he wanted 5 or six of them. Crazy how that worked with him but it did for some reason.
So maybe try giving her some choices aroung her life. Small ones that are really not important to the actual flow of your lives plural. My feeling is she is worried the rug might be pulled from under her. Of course we know from what you wrote that it wont but you telling her that you wont and that nothing bad is going to happen and reassuring her isnt working so try something less obvious that ties into the same feelings of loss of control to her.
It also sounds like you arent feeling good about your SO right now. Maybe a break is in order while you sort that out. It might help you clear your head...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 11:50pm

Hi and welcome to the board!


Your daughter needs reassurance, yes, but TOO much will make her DEPENDANT upon it, and she will seek it out as an approval and validation of things.


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