So long commitmentphobic man

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
So long commitmentphobic man
3
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 4:26pm
I finally, finally broke it off with my commitmentphobic boyfriend. He had been distant from me for the past several weeks. We tried a trial 2-week separation recently. We didn't see each other for 2 weeks, but we didn't date anyone else. Things got worse instead of progressing.

He really put a lot of the blame on me for the way the relationship was going. But, it wasn't my fault. I tried to grin and bear it and give him tons of space. He retreated when I gave him space and retreated when I tried to get close to him. I couldn't win.

Within the past couple of weeks, he started being inconsistent with his phone calls. He hadn't done that before. He would say he was going to call and then he wouldn't call. He'd call the next day and offer some lame excuse for not calling. I called him on this most recent behavior and he sent me this whole long email.

In it he stated all the things he saw as problems for us being together. Many of the things were things I couldn't change. He told me he was having lots of problems in his life, blah, blah, blah. He's been busy and needs to unwind.

I emailed him back to end things. His email was a total rejection of me, yet he stated that he didn't want me to take things personally and that he still wanted to talk to me today. I ended things in my email and I didn't blame him. I just said we needed different things and that I was moving on.

He emailed me back and accused me of being immature. He said that he wasn't going to hop into bed with anyone else or get into another relationship right away. He said maybe things would work out in the future and I shouldn't burn my bridges. Basically, he didn't want me to run out and get with anyone else (sexually) and wanted to leave the door open for a little nooky between us from time-to-time, I'm sure.

I emailed him back and said that I was decisive on this and I won't feel bad for my decision. If I stay in limbo with him, I'll miss out on meeting someone who wants to be with me.

Pep talk. Okay, there really are men out there for us???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 8:27pm
There ARE men out there for us. You have to keep your head up and believe that.

It is good that you wouldn't take that bad behavior/treatment and you moved on. I know that isn't easy.

But now your slate is clean and you get to make a new start. Enjoy the time to yourself while you have it. And of course keep your eyes open. But keep them open for the right person. The right person will be totally into you - you will bring out the best in him.

I think the key is not to waste time with Mr. Wrong.

Good luck and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 4:50pm
Sounds like a plan! Besides that - who knows. With my ex the situation sounds similar but there were no blame or accusations. He never disrespected me like that. But I feel that there is a couple months of cushion time for them to realize they were weenies because honestly we shouldn't just be jumping in the sack with new interests that quickly anyways.

That is JMO - but it sounds like he wasn't all that anyways. There are lot's of nice guys. It just depends on what you are looking for. I never thought if I let go of Jack I would be alone - heck no - I just really LIKE HIM. But not the commitment phobia, my life is too stressful BS.

I already met 2 guys on line I like - one of which I REALLY like - and have 2 from 2 years ago that I sent a brief email to stating that I was available again if they were interested. All four call me regularly to talk. I have gone out with one of these and then gone out with my sister's neighbor who is really sweet and also a guy I used to work with at my old job that waited a whole year until he could get a date! Of course I am not spreading it around if you get my drift. i am just getting to know them all. When one appraoches me wanted a commitment then I can figure out if that is the route I want - and finally get me some again hahahaha

Good luck!

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 8:58am
Yep there really are!!!!

I want to commend you on breaking ties with this guy. I was in a similar situation (which I've mentioned in other posts) with someone whom I dated for NINE MONTHS. Nine months of inconsistancy, excuses to not make a committment, good times, bad times, arguments, you name it..we dealt with it. It was soooo hard to finally break it off with him. In fact, it wasn't until I met my boyfriend now that we did finally end it. It was a battle I dealt with, a hard one, so I know how difficult that can be.

The funny thing (totally off topic here) is that now...he suddenly wants to be with me...committed to me...and I think it's entirely TOO coinicidental that he wants this when I have a boyfriend. I even told him that I think the reason he wants me now is b/c I'm no longer available and he wants the challenge. I told him that it's not going to happen...my boyfriend is giving me all that he couldn't...and we are falling in love..and he can't compete with that.

Anyway, there really are good guys out there. Guys that aren't afraid of committment. I assure you you will meet someone. Unfortunately, we have to get through the bad stuff before we get to the good stuff. It's a whole big process that just makes us appreciate the good guys when they FINALLY come along!!!!!

Hugs,

Shelley