SO sleeping over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
SO sleeping over?
22
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 12:24pm
Hi, new here. I am divorced and a mother of a beautiful 4 year old dd, and have 50/50 physical custody with my ex. I have been dating a man for a year, he has a 7 year old son and he just lost a custody battle so his son has been moved out of state. He is an excellent father and role model, and I hope for a future with him, although it's uncertain because he's still dealing with trying to see his son (cs and visitation are still being worked out and it's not been going well). I usually only see him when dd is with her dad, but over the past year there have been a 6-8 times he came over after dd went to bed and either left by 1am or ran out the door quickly when we heard dd was awake. In general he was reluctant to do this because we were living about 45 minutes apart and that is a long drive to only come over for a couple hours, and it sucks to have to run out the door as soon as she wakes up. Him and dd had never met, but I was hoping that we would plan a meeting soon.

A couple weeks ago he came over after dd fell asleep. When we did this before and when he didn't leave that night, we usually sleep on the living room floor (hard wood floor, wool rug, not comfy). Well for whatever reason we thought it would work to sleep in my room and then he'd wake up real early and leave. Well dd woke up super early and would not go back to sleep. It was a weekday and I went through several scenarios to get my boyfriend out of the house without dd knowing, or get us out of the house first and tell her some story about who's car was parked in the driveway... but in the end I just realized it was too complicated and I told her a friend of mine slept over. As far as she knows he slept in my room but I slept in her room (I often fall asleep in her room and then I am up before her). So we got ready and invited him to breakfast and it was actually a nice morning. She is usually extremely shy around new people (even grandparents she hasn't seen in a while) but she was talkative with him and he kept making her laugh, it was cute.

Now my plan was not to have them meet this way. And I do not want my dd getting attached to anyone until there is a plan to get married or at least it's looking like that is likely, and I don't plan on living with anyone unless marriage is on the horizon. But it's also been hard keeping the two people most important in my life apart, not knowing each other. What I'd like is that there are some times when he comes over when dd is with me, but he not take a parenting type role. Just be friends hanging out together while she is there. We have not been affectionate in front of her, although now that they met he has come over a couple more times. The thing is that we still live a good distance from each other, about 25 miles, and it's really a pain for him to come over for just a few hours. Is it horrible if there is an occasion when he does sleep over? I am not going to have men in and out of my house on a regular basis. This is one man, whom I've been dating for a year, who I see potential for marriage and more children with, who is a good role model and a responsible person. I just don't know for certain if we will be married in the future, yet. Has anyone else had a SO sleep over when kids are in the home?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:09pm
I wouldn't do it unless I was married again or had an engagement ring on my finger that he paid for himself.

Here's why....no matter how much I liked/loved the guy, it would bother me if spent the night at my house and then the relationship ended at some point. I live in a very conservative state and that would be enough for my ex to take me to court over custody again...even though plenty of people do it. It's not worth it to me. Also, I don't want my son to think less of me in any way. I want to be as much like a normal family as possible. (please, other women, don't get offended with me if you are okay with SOs sleeping over).


My last boyfriend lasted 7 months. He never met my son and I'm glad he didn't. There was no point in meeting. We didn't get married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:24pm
I do appreciate different perspectives, but I am hoping someone agrees with me. I doubt there is any way possible for my ex to get more custody than he already has, and I don't think my SO sleeping over would cause him to seek that. We had an amicable divorce and agree any disputes will be settled between us. I can understand why you would not let anyone sleep over if you felt you could lose your son. And I also understand why you wouldn't even if that was not the case.

Originally my ex and I had said maybe nobody met our dd unless we've dated the person 6 months and the relationship was serious. Then later we said we thought maybe nobody would meet her until there was an engagement. But when this happened he said he agreed that we would probably not plan to marry someone that had never met dd, because we'd want to know that dd got along with them and see how they interacted with dd before planning marriage with another person. I did agree to no more sleeping over, or at least not letting dd know about it, but now I'm rethinking that. In my case, it just seems to make sense with our schedules and the distance. Although it's not super far, it is quite a drive. But I really want to know whether I'm alone in my thinking that this might be okay.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:55pm
I can’t give you a blanket statement that says “yes it’s ok” or “no, it’s not ok.” What I can tell you is that in my personal situation it was and has been ok.

My SO and I introduced our kids to each other around 6 months into the relationship (prior to that I had met his kids, and he had met mine, but they had not met eachother) They got along fabulously. At about 8 months, we knew we were headed for a permanent thing. We started to do things as a group, which resulted in occasional sleepovers. At about a year, it was either, my dd and I spending the weekend at his place, or he and his boys were spending it at mine. We would also take weekend trips together where we would stay at a relative’s house or hotels.

It’s been over two years now and we have all been living together since February. SO and I plan definite plans to get married, but we are not rushing. The kids love each other and get along as if they were natural siblings and we have a good parental bond established as appropriate with each other’s kids. As far as I can tell, it hasn’t damaged the kids in any way.

I am not kidding myself…I am prepared for the possibility that my daughter will grow up and possibly want to live with her boyfriend before marriage some day based on what I have role modeled and I am ok with that, because I also know that I am also modeling what a stable, healthy and loving relationship is, as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 3:12pm
Can I just say thank goodness there is someone out there who it's been okay for! I did ask my therapist and he also said there is no right answer. But there is something comforting about asking a group of women in similar positions what their opinions are.

My ex and I both grew up in divorced homes. His mom had one or two boyfriends that lived with them. My ex had no consisent father figure, so these men became substitutes, and when they left, it was like he was abandoned all over again. My mother, on the other hand, had two serious relationships while I was young. My sister and I met them, but they were never involved in our daily lives (just an occasional dinner or day trip). One stayed over ocassionally, and they told us he slept on the couch, but one morning I woke up early and saw him putting his pants on in my mom's room. I think I was proably 9 or 10. I was not emotionally scared by this. And because we were not attached to either person, when they broke up it was not a big deal to us. Then my step-dad moved in when I was around 17. We hated living with him but we were glad he was there for my mom. And over the years we have grown to love him.

I guess I'm just trying to get all this into perspective. The relationship, my past experience, my ex's opinions as it relates to dd's well being, my thoughts on how it might affect dd, and so on. Thanks for sharing your perspective.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 5:33pm
Hi and welcome to the board

I have been with the same guy for over 3 years and we started living together about 2 1/2 years ago with my two kids (now 10 and 7). I have had men sleep over while the kids were home. My last serious boyfriend before my current SO did a few times. We later broke up and there were no residual effects from him sleeping over, though the kids were sad when we broke up, that was one thing I wasn't as prepared for as I should have been. But I don't associate that with the sleeping over, just the fact that they met him and spent alot of time with him.

My current SO did sleep at my house and we all came to his place (where we all live now) one time for a sleepover after he and I had been together about 3 months. Not ideal by anyone's standards and I would never say "do like I did", but it has worked out for us. I am not very conservative and though I talk about marriage with SO, there is no current plan for that to happen any time soon. I know for a lot of people, they want to set a good example, especially for their teenage daughters or sons, but to me the example I want to set is "don't give it away unless you are really in love, the person respects you and they take the time to get to know you as a person AND YOU'RE SOBER". Not that you have to wait until marriage, because personally, I don't believe in that. So for me, it has worked out alright.

I definitely think it depends on the situation, on the child (luckily she's 4, you can get around the sex talk right now) and on what lessons you want her to learn.

Hugs and I hope you'll stick around

Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 6:03pm
Hi there,

I have read your post and others' and have a few comments for you.

1) I see you write, "I have been dating a man for a year, he has a 7 year old son and he just lost a custody battle so his son has been moved out of state. He is an excellent father and role model, and I hope for a future with him, although it's uncertain because he's still dealing with trying to see his son (cs and visitation are still being worked out and it's not been going well)."

In my opinion and experience, this is a big barrier to your relationship going forward to marriage. How do you know that he would not rather live out of state? If he does not move he will spend a lot of time and money trying to see his son and his mind will be more on that than wanting a commitment. He will feel that if he falls in love with you he is abandoning his child. How would you feel if you were in his shoes?

With this in mind, I don't think that now is the time to have him spend more time with your daughter. These are adult matters and they do not add to her life to know this or him.

2) I don't think that the physical distance, which is an inconvenience for adults, should come before the needs of your child. She is very young at only 4 and should not have to see her mom spending the night with a man because they live too far apart.

I agree that this situation is not what you would like or choose and that it stinks. However, in my belief and experience, you are putting short term gain (time with him) ahead of long-term gain (daughter, good chance for a marital relationship).

I think that he needs to sort out his custody/life and you need to slow down. He has to be more accomodating to your needs for your daughter.

At the very least, you have to come up with a way that if she gets up you can go immediately to her room and she doesn't see him. Maybe a baby monitor would help? Or he should sneak out in the morning so she doesn't see him. I would not have him spending the night on a regular basis - but how do you draw the line?

I have had a boyfriend spend the night. But I was always very discreet. I would lock my door and if my son got up then I would go immediately to his room. In the morning my boyfriend would sneak out and then call me from his cell phone and I would invite him to breakfast. My son never knew he spent the night. That is crazy but my son comes first. And if spending the night is so convenient, what is the incentive for a man to commit?

I do wish you luck. Perhaps you can talk more about marriage/commitment with this man and then report back to us. We care. Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 6:06pm
Hi, welcome to the board, and I apologize for my late response!

My dh slept over with me and my ds when my ds was 4, while we were dating.

Interesting thing for US was that my ds and I shared a bedroom! LOL

How he handled it. First of all, we were VERY open and honest with him about our relationship and asked for his input. The very first time my dh (then boyfriend) spent the night, I was sick, sick, sick (to the point that I was passing out, couldn't walk, etc.) and we told me ds he was spending the night and asked what he thought about it. He said "Mommy is sick and you SHOULD stay and take care of her and take care of me, too!" LOL He stayed for 3 or 4 nights - wait - he stayed until my ds went with his dad and then I went home with him! LOL

After that - we started having "sleep overs" every once in a while. We always made it fun and casual. How it worked out? Fine. I'm happily married (most days!) and my son and my husband have a decent relationship.

I'm sure you said - but I don't recall - how old is your daughter? Because I think her age will definitely come into play. If she's a pre-teen or teen - how would you handle the "but your boyfriend spent the night!" issue? (Personally - I am a follower of the "I'm an adult and can make choices for myself and you are NOT an adult and can not!" theory - so *I* personally wouldn't have a problem with it but I know others that do.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 8:13pm
If he's interacting with her and befriending her, when he's out of the picture, it will be confusing and tough for her, BTDT. It doesn't matter if you tell her he's your friend or your boyfriend or that he doesn't take on a parenting role. I get what you're saying, that he's probably going to be in the picture and you want them to see how they are together...start THERE...not with the sleepovers. It's no fun not being intimate on a schedule dictated by child visitation...I empathize with you.

My DF still doesn't spend the night in my house when the kids are here and it's been 3.5 years and we've got four months until the wedding...he will move in the month before. Last year on Xmas Eve he slept on the couch and refused to sneak into my room or even openly sleep in my room...he respects the fact that I have these standards for my kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:51pm

Thanks to everyone for your advice and suggestions and personal perspectives. I fully appreciate that parents have different opinions and sex and sleeping together before marriage, and what messages are given to the kids regarding those. I grew up in a household where my mom preached you *must* live together before marriage. I did live with two boyfriends and also my ex-husband before I married him. I do not necessarily believe that my daughter should do this, but I do think it is an option for her. I don't consider it an option for me now because of my daugther, but I am still sorting out how I feel about the sleeping over thing. One one hand I think it is okay, on the other hand I am not sure yet if it is. All your opinions are much appreciated.

I did want to respond to this question:

>>>How do you know that he would not rather live out of state? If he does not move he will spend a lot of time and money trying to see his son and his mind will be more on that than wanting a commitment. He will feel that if he falls in love with you he is abandoning his child. How would you feel if you were in his shoes?<<<

This is a really tough one and there is no easy answer. I won't go into the messy details, but right now the other side is making visitation impossible. If the visitation can be worked out, he will start visitation and there will be some compromises to help with travel costs. We did stop seeing each other for a month or so while he explored the option of moving out of state to be near his son, but for multiple reasons this option did not work out. It was too painful for us to see each other while he very seriously considered moving, because if he was going to move it would obviously mean we would not be together, I did not want to stand in the way of that decision, and he could not focus on me while he explored the possibility.

It has been several months since that time and right now he's at the point where he either has to move on with his life and try to accept and deal with the current situation, or he can let the situation destroy him. I do put myself in his shoes as much as I can, and I agree that he has to continue living his life. He does feel as if he's abandoning his child, but he knows that in reality he has done everything legally in his power to keep that from happening. His son has been taken away from him and there is nothing legally or otherwise he can do about it for now. I have a lot of respect for him because of how he has handled the entire situation.

He does not view having my daughter in his life as a replacement for his son, nothing can or will ever replace his son. And I do not think my daughter will view my boyfriend as a replacement father because for one, she spends 1/2 her time with her father, and for two, nobody can ever replace him. I hope we are handling this is a healthy way (my boyfriend and I) and I think we are. But it is a complicated situation and it's been very helpful to have others input.




Edited 12/27/2004 10:17 am ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:09am
I can see you have struggled through this and have thought things out a great deal. It is good that you didn't see each other while he looked into moving.

I have one question on your comment:

"I won't go into the messy details, but right now his son's mother is making visitation impossible."

My big question is WHY? What did he do to make his exwife so mad? In my limited (4 years) dating experience since my divorce, I have found that the baddest exwives had worse ex husbands. In one case the man (whom I dated for a short time) working a gazillion hours on a remote island in the Bahamas while she was expected to raise and entertain the kids by herself away from family and friends. Then he cheated multiple times on business trips and she finally found out. Is it no wonder why she took the kids half way across the country, sued his parents and took him to the cleaners?

I know I sound tough, but I want to make you think. That is what we are all here for. There are always 2 sides to every story.

If things are this rough now maybe you should think about what you want and what he can really bring to your table for you and your daughter. Just don't be in a rush.

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