So ... we did the BIG TALK!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
So ... we did the BIG TALK!
15
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 2:05am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 7:37am

Good job, Rebecca. I think you were very brave and very smart to put yourself first and say what you need.

I think you did an excellent job. And I know it wasn't easy for you - because you have had a lot of upsetting things in your life and could easily keep him for support alone or just think of his needs and pleasing him. But this is a big step.

It is a shining example for all of us.

I think he will take a while to think.

Of course the email password story is too hilarious! I was laughing so hard at that. He does get a big bonus point for that.

Perhaps one more thing for you to add - is that you wouldn't be hard to read if he didn't make you keep guessing about where you are and where you are going - that the reason for exclusivity is to explore your feelings for each other and to enjoy each other. You need to feel secure.

It sounds like he considers your needs - and you need to keep putting them up for him to fill. So far so good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 8:43am

R-
I'm so glad you had the talk. I'm proud of you! I'm a carlos fan, and have always been, and am really rooting for this for you.

However, you did what you needed to to let him know that you want more. If he simply can't commit to that, whatever more is, you'll have to let him go. I don't think that is what's going to happen.

I'm so glad you told us, I was thinking about you yesterday. How hard do you think it will be to get Averey comfortable with you dating, you dating him, that sort of thing? Going slowly will still be your only option, since you aren't going to want to traumatize her.

Also, the distance thing- have you considered moving? Will he? I know I'm totally jumping the gun- I'm just confident this is all going to work out beautifully, but I promise I'll stop before I have your wedding dress picked out!!

Moody, cheering for you


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 10:01am

Hi R~

You know I'm a big fan of YOU!! You have been an inspiration to me since I first "met" you. But I'm not going to lie... I'm not a Carlos fan. I stumbled across this article on "Commitment phobia" and I hope you don't mind me sharing it with you. Maybe Carlos doesn't exhibit 1, 2 or 3 but how about #4 down.... I care about you and don't want to see you get hurt.

Love,
LB

What is Commitment Phobe?

Commitment phobia can be defined as the fear and avoidance of having to commit to anything, but especially relationships.

It can express itself in all kinds of different ways, but typically sufferers may exhibit one, or more, of these:

1. Being overly critical of the other partner in the relationship, and/or the relationship as a whole.
2. Annoying / hurting the other person, thus sabotaging the relationship, even if it’s considered to be working well. An example of this, might be consistently turning up late for things – whether with apologetic excuses, or not.
3. Being scared of others’ noticing them and wanting to start a relationship. In fact, they'll often reject other people from the word go, so that a relationship barely gets off the starting blocks. The feeling behind this, can be to protect themselves from even the prospect of allowing others’ to get too close.
4. At the other end of the scale, a commitment phobic, may be flirtatious and appear to want the attentions of other interested parties, desiring even a longer-term physical relationship. But, eventually the fear can, and often does, win out and the other person gets pushed away, leaving broken hearts in its wake.
5. Fearing being swamped by others, and thus losing sight of who they feel they really are.
6. Unable to face or explore the prospects, issues, or thoughts, of living together, or getting married.
7. Some may want to find Mr or Miss Right and get married, but will often have somewhat unrealistic ‘ideals’ over possible suitors. Often friends and relatives notice and will often make comments like: 'you're being too picky', and ‘Mr/Miss Perfect’ just doesn’t exist.'
8. Sometimes they'll fall in love with other people, who just aren’t interested in forming an intimate relationship. The reasoning behind this can be that the phobic has, (deliberately, or otherwise), chosen a person who can’t/won’t, form a lasting relationship, and so they are ‘safe’ from having to make that long-term commitment.

There is also the type of sufferer who enters a relationship, can’t commit, then leaves at some point, only to return sometime later, before leaving yet again. This yo-yoing can happen time and time again leaving hurt, bewilderment and distrust in its wake.

There can be the avoidance of having to commit to anything. This can also involve jobs, tasks, timekeeping, as well as personal relationships. Interestingly, it can even involve undertaking treatment for the commitment phobia itself.

Often, at the fear's root, will be a fear of loss, or rejection, by others. The subconscious feels, that if it happened once before, it could happen again. To avoid this pain, there will be some kind of distancing from others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 10:49am

Not much time to chat, but I'm glad you guys finally had a chance to talk! I think your hesitancy in opening up to him emotionally is because you DO want to feel like you can trust him before letting him in. After all the stuff with your ex- it's totally understandable. And I know you won't be this "closed off" forever- I just sense that you are this way for now because it leaves you so vulnerable, and you don't know for sure where Carlos stands yet.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 1:29pm

I'm not a Carlos fan. You were brave and sincere. He completely punked out of making a commitment.

He's not "playing" you in a sneaky manipulative way. These guys fear being completely alone, even more than a commitment. So, as long as you live 1 hour away and he can hold onto you without saying, "I love you", then dating you is better than being alone.

However, the minute you express love and really need a commitment for your sense of well-being, he will run. He won't dump you immediately. He'll start backing away. He won't call as often. He'll fade into the background until you eventually have the, "let's be friends" conversation...only he'll leave it up to you to initiate even that conversation.

I know you can't believe me until it happens. I'm rooting for you though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 1:41pm
Just chiming in. I have followed most of the Carlos story as well. I am so proud of you for putting everything out there and letting yourself be vulnerable again. That must have been so hard with everything you have gone through with the ex. I know that the verdict isnt in on Carlos yet but I have to say that no matter what he has to say eventually, if I were you I would feel very liberated having opened my heart to someone else truly again and shown some vulnerability no matter what the outcome. I know that you would of course be disappointed if things didnt turn out well but in some ways if we look at your own personal journey, you have really opened up a new chapter for yourself where you believe that love with someone else can happen safely and openly. Maybe you were aware of this accomplishment before and I am saying nothing new but I thought it was worth mentioning. We all know that after a nasty divorce it can take years for some people to feel brave with their hearts again and especially when there are children involved so I think you are very courageous having taken this step with Carlos. I so relate to your ( plural) relationship because I was very in love with a man a while back who was extremely scared of commitment and we dabbled inside of the pain of it for about three years. I want you to take note that in my experience, my ex wanted very very much to be with me and loved me truly even though he could never figure out how to truly let go. He is still having trouble with it to this day and makes comments about if he can ever figure his stuff out maybe he will see where I am in my life. It makes sense that Carlos is very upset at the notion that you might not stay forever and that you will have to take a stand for yourself eventually. He genuinely cares for you and I think there is sometimes a misconception out there about people who have trouble with commitment in that some seem to think that they keep an emotional distance and dont feel for you as deeply as they would otherwise. I dont think that this is true from my own experiences. I have vivid memories of feeling very sad for both of us when my ex couldnt beat his fears and I knew then just as I do now that his feelings for me were very genuine and if he could have figured things out he would have. It was my decision to leave eventually having been as patient as I could be and with my son's well being at heart. I really wanted more security in love than he was able to offer me and the whole thing was very hard tp give up on. I guess what I am trying to say is you shouldnt think that his feelings for you can solve his commitment problems AND you shouldnt doubt his feelings for you just because he has commitment issues. Understanding this can help you make decisions if need be for you and Avery. I do wish you so much luck though and I think you have done BRILLIANTLY!!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 5:29pm
Glad to hear you took this step, Rebecca. You can't sit on the fence forever. C knows he will have to make a commitment to an exclusive relationship with an intention for a future together because that is what you desire, require even. It sounds like he cares very much already and is holding back because he's not sure what you want, what you are lookking for at this point in your life. It would be nice for you to have a little emotional security and get off the dating merry go round for a while.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 9:10pm

Thanks so much for all your kind words! Yeah, bonus points for the email password thing, AND that I got a Vday package in the mail today with instructions ONLY to open it on Wed ... lol.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 9:15pm

Thanks Moody! About Averey ... not sure. I really need to be sure he is in my life for a semi-long haul b4 I introduce that stress to our relationship (b/c invariably once she knwos about him, she will mention him to her Dad & all hell will very likley break loose for a while) & b4 I let Averey get attached to him at all. Slooooowly will be the secret. As you know she has met him twice, once very briefly & once for 6 hours in the family thing with him ... but still, at that time she had no clue "who" he really was.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 9:33pm

I know you are a fan of me

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