sole custody and dating
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| Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:23am |
Does anyone else have sole custody and very limited visitation? My kids are 12,9 and 5 and I have sole custody. My ex likes to take them overnight separately...he'll take the boys (9 & 5) on a Friday and my daughter (12) on Saturday. And usually brings them home early the next morning. I would soooooo love an entire weekend alone! The one man I have dated quite a bit wants so much more from me than I want to give up, not physically but in terms of time and attention. But because I feel pulled in so many directions and want some time for ME, lately I have found myself screening his calls and not telling him when I have time off, because all I want to do is maybe make popcorn and watch a movie alone, or sleep!! I don't know if I am being totally selfish or insane, this man adores me and treats me like a princess, and even wants to do things with my kids that their father doesn't, although he hasn't actually met them yet. Someday I know I WILL want that kind of relatinship and most men will probably turn and run when they realize how little time I have to give. Then I'll be wishing I had been less selfish now.
Anyway, I'm glad I found this board!

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Why wont your ex take them all overnight? That's not fair to you at all. I Would try to tell your ex that he *needs* to take them all at least one time a month overnight at the same time. Would this work for you?
I have sole custody. My ex does not get overnight visitation. My kids are here 24/7, except the one night a month my mom tries to take them for me to give me a break. Sometimes that doesnt work out (due to her schedule or the kids stuff). I have zero time to date. When you meet someone who is worth your valuable time, they will understand. Do you have a babysitter you can call so you can go out? Or maybe the kids friends-do sleepovers. This is what has helped me. My kids will spend the night at a friends house, then I return the favor. This saves me on money for babysitters, my kids have fun with their friends, I get to go out (usually dont tho) and I get to sleep in in the morning.
Welcome!
It sounds like you are overwhelmed and needing more time to yourself. That is okay. I think every mom needs that.
Why don't you ask your ex to take the kids for a weekend once a month? You do need a break and I think you should try to ask him that in a positive manner. That is a start and certainly worth a try.
I think you should tell your bf the way you feel. And find relatives and friends and babysitters so you get more time for him and for you.
My ex takes my son one weekend night and one weeknight a week. It always changes due to his travel schedule - sometimes he take him more sometimes less. My parents take him sometimes and I do have babysitters. So I get enough time to myself. I am not dating anyone at the moment.
Tell us more about the man you are dating - how did you meet him? Tell us more!!
My story is a little complicated...I guess they all are. My ex moved out last March and my "friend" and neighbor across the street promptly moved in with him. He can have the kids any time but my stipulations are no excessive alcohol in their presence and she can not be there, since they knew her as my friend before his gf. I have stood my ground though and truly believe that is what is best for the kids. He would not agree to a regular schedule of visitation and didn't ask for any custody. I have asked him repeatedly to take all 3 and sometimes he will or he'll arrange for our daughter to sleep at his mother's house while he has the boys. He does love the kids, but is more like a fun uncle than a Dad - brings them home happy but tired, hungry and dirty. Also, my daughter has a very good friend who she is usually with all weekend every weekend, but she has been grounded from weekend sleepovers since her last report card. Sort of hurts me as much as it hurts her, but I needed her to put her schoolwork ahead of her best friend, and it is working as she has brought home much better grades in the meantime. I guess when I meet the right man I will want to be with him as much as possible.
As for the man I am dating, shortly after my ex moved out I had an estimate to put gutters on my house and the salesman was so cute. The gutters were ridiculously expensive and I declined but did take the salesman's busines card, called him about a month later and asked him if he remembered me. His answer..."of course I remember you, I've been praying every night you would call me!" My daughter has talked to him on the phone many times and still refers to him as gutterman, as far as she knows we have never seen each other since he came on a sales call. She thinks he is fantastic and is counting the days until my divorce is final and we can date in person. He lives about 2 hours away from me so it's not like we can get together for lunch or whatever if I have an hour free. He is a truly good man and only wants what is best for me, treats me like a princess, but there are character flaws that make me keep him at arm's length because I know he isn't someone I could spend the rest of my life with. He's been great for my bruised ego though!
What are the character flaws that let you know you can't spend the rest of your life with him? I'm just curious. No men in my life yet but when there are I wonder how I will be able to tell the difference between the good and the bad. Obviously, I was very wrong the first time.
As far as feeling selfish because you want to have alone time, I really don't think you need to feel bad. You sound as if maybe you are an introverted person. Introverts get drained from dealing with ppl and get energized from spending time alone or in quiet. Or maybe you're just an extrovert who is tired! At any rate, it is just how you are. The right man will need to understand that you need time set aside to meet those needs.
Also, it's nice to meet you. I'm new to the boards too. I'm loving it so far.
Amy
Hi Amy, nice to meet you too. That goes for all you single moms out there too!
I'm not really an introvert, have lots of friends and really like people. But I do need a certain amount of time alone. Between work, kids, extracurricular activities and some volunteering I do in the school I'm really busy. For example, last week I had one night where I could just be home. I also work Friday and Saturday nights in a restaurant so weekends aren't mine either.
Character flaws that I cannot overlook are:
Daily drinking. I love to have a few drinks with friends or with dinner but don't feel the need to run out at 11:50 Sat. night to be sure I have beer for Sunday. He is not a drunk and I've honestly never seen him drunk, it's just the mindset that I object to, that you have to have beer in the fridge.
Couch potato/tv addict. Again, if there is something to do he's there but if not that tv is always on. News, reality shows, Andy Griffith, Star Trek, whatever. This morning he is excited because there is a golf tournament on all day...it is a beautiful day outside! As soon as I finish this I'll be out doing some yardwork!
The biggest one, he once made a very nasty racist comment. I was very offended and called him on it and he said he was only kidding, but I just believe that deep down he wasn't. That is NOT the person I am nor is it the kind of influence I want my children to have. I made it very clear that I didn't want to hear it and that if he ever does meet my kids that kind of comment will NOT be made in their presence. We do live in South Carolina and you are constantly running into people (white) who truly believe they are superior, whether they come out and say it or not. I want my kids to know as I know that skin color, hair color, religious beliefs, etc. do shape who you are but do not change the value of who you are.
On the other hand, he is very intelligent, well spoken, well informed about politics and current events, handsome, considerate, and a gentleman in that he always opens doors, carries bags, that kind of thing.
I hope I'll know when the right person comes along.
Jessie
Jessie,
Those things would rub me wrong too. You sound as if you have good judgement.
Amy
Hey Jessie,
Welcome! Yes, you are definitely right! That would seriously rub me the wrong way! My X husband was like that. I don't know if I saw it only after I was married, but I swore he never was like that before we were. BOY did that rub me the wrong way.
I am also a sole custody mom of two girls 11 & 4. I have both girls 24/7. The one father has only seen her twice in her life and the other see's her about 3 times a year, but only a couple of hours.
It get's very very very hard. I am going nuts myself. Due that both girls are such age differences, it makes it a bit more difficult. Babysitters are hard to come by in Germany and my Mom can't really take care of the girls. I hope when I get back to the States, that I can find a babysitter or once in a blue moon my sister will take them and I her's.
I go pretty nuts in my house and my mother drives me nuts. Everything is driving me nuts now. I have finally organized a vacation alone for myself, so I hope (knocking on wood), that until I get on that plane, I don't hear ONE word of catastrophe and that my mother shuts up about one this time. Everytime I EVER went anywhere, she would scream wolf, ruin my entire trip and when I got home, everything was back in order. She ruined every, every, every weekend or time off I've ever had. Soooo, I hope this time, she'll just leave me alone. I will most definitely handle things differently this time around. I am taking Nina to her grandparents and Alex is old enough, so no problems ever with her. My mom will just have to learn to handle and fend for herself, because next year I'm outta here. I know she only ruins my time off on purpose. She truly tries to sabatoge any good time for me. I know it sounds awful, but it's always been their. She terrified of losing me, only this time, I'll be going to get a new life. So it panics her already even more.
I know what it's like to not have anyone and I can understand how you feel. It gets very frustrating and because I am a social person, it kills me to be cooped up in the house so much. I go completely insane. Still, it sounds like you just have to try and come to terms. It doesn't sound that hopeless. At least he's around to take the children. Nevertheless, the boyfriend, who you aren't that into anyway, will just have to understand and not pressure you. If he doens't like it, then you know where to show him the door. What's important is that you take care of you. You have enough on your plate, you don't need to feel guilty about the relationship either and how much time you can give. Think more about your own time for yourself and going out with girlfriends or meeting new friends.
Jessie, I married this man you're talking about. Nearly the same way about TV, though it's getting better. Nearly the same way with Alcohol (and I am like you) though that is ALSO getting better, and occasionally a racist remark. Not a horrible one, but a poking fun at kind of thing. (towards orientals??? odd. He seems to think they're "taking over" the united states, but says it in a "ha ha, that's so funny" way. I hate it. He WILL have to get better about this)
SO, I understand your hesitation. I didn't listen to my gut feelings on this. I didn't have enough sense to. Thank God, he's balancing out some. I think it'll all be ok. But I've struggled alot on these issues.
Oh, and other than those, he's
granted I only have one child but she is younger (3.5) and I have sole custody. Even if my ex COULD take her I wouldn't let him. I can on very rare occassions take her to my one sister for overnight but the ohter sister who used to be more willing I won't let anymore because there was an "incident" with her 11 year old autistic son and I know she wouldn't unterstand so I bare it.
I think you should not lie to the man you are dating or avoid him - that isn't very healthy for a relationship. Men like to HELP YOU! Tell him that you love being with him and love him very much but you are stressing. Maybe he would be willing to take all 3 to the zoo or something while you relax? If you aren't in "that place" yet I think your ex should be able to take them. Also, doesn't your 12 year old babysit now? At least then you can hit the salon or go to dinner with your BF or SO.
The main thing here is to be honest with your SO about your feelings of stress. He will understand and if he doesn't then maybe he isn't the one for you. Your ex needs to take responsibility for his father role too. IF you want him to. I know I would rather die then leave my daughter with my ex but that is me and my situation.
Just try to focus on yourself a bit. The situation is about you and your internal feelings, not so much your SO, ex or even your kids. Maybe take a Yoga Class? That helps me immensely.
Take care (((HUG)))
Laura
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