sole custody and dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
sole custody and dating
14
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 10:23am

Does anyone else have sole custody and very limited visitation? My kids are 12,9 and 5 and I have sole custody. My ex likes to take them overnight separately...he'll take the boys (9 & 5) on a Friday and my daughter (12) on Saturday. And usually brings them home early the next morning. I would soooooo love an entire weekend alone! The one man I have dated quite a bit wants so much more from me than I want to give up, not physically but in terms of time and attention. But because I feel pulled in so many directions and want some time for ME, lately I have found myself screening his calls and not telling him when I have time off, because all I want to do is maybe make popcorn and watch a movie alone, or sleep!! I don't know if I am being totally selfish or insane, this man adores me and treats me like a princess, and even wants to do things with my kids that their father doesn't, although he hasn't actually met them yet. Someday I know I WILL want that kind of relatinship and most men will probably turn and run when they realize how little time I have to give. Then I'll be wishing I had been less selfish now.

Anyway, I'm glad I found this board!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 11:08am

Just a couple quick things to add...the man I am dating would LOVE to help with the kids, but he lives 2 hours away and they don't know I am dating anyone. Even though I've been separated 11 months 2 weeks now, legally I am still married to their father, and don't want to send the wrong message to them. Also, I know he is not "The One" for me so there's no need for them to meet.

I guess I'm also being very selfish, he and I want different things from our relationship. I want to have fun and date while keeping my options open, he wants to get married and raise my kids with me. It probably hurts him that I haven't let him meet them but I feel strongly about that. He just asked me yesterday if we could go (with or without kids) to Six Flags over Georgia this summer which is a huge amusement park, and I said I'd love to go but without the kids. He is endlessly patient and just said he understood and wanted it to be clear that when I am ready to include the kids in our relationship he is open to that. I just don't think I will ever be there with him, because of the things I talked about in my earlier posts. I guess I just need to be open and honest because I know our feelings are very different. On the other hand he is so fun and I don't want to lose the relationship altogether and being that he is 37 and never been married that is what he is looking for. I will be 41 next month and feel like, been there done that don't want to do it again!

Sorry I'm rambling, just thinking while I type!

Have a great Wednesday, everyone.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 11:13am
How long were you married? I was married for 3,5yrs but it took me 4 years, just now, to want a relationship. You need time to heal and you just need time to check out the scene a bit. Just because one guy shows interest in you and your children, doesn't mean another one won't. Like I've stated before, if you don't click, if the gut feeling is giving you doubts, then by all means listen to it! You'll be happier for it when you do meet the man of your dreams.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 12:09pm
I think you should let him know very clearly that you don't see him in your future, but you enjoy the relationship for now. He may be enjoying it as much as you are, but if he wants to get married and settle down, he's wasting time trying to make this relationship with you work, and that's not fair to him to let him keep his hopes up like that. If you think that after your divorce is final you might change your mind, then tell him that there could be a chance for a future but maybe not so big of a chance, just so he can keep himself from hoping too much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 1:26pm
I can relate to your situation, althought my ex takes mine every other weekend, I want time alone and the guy I have been dating wants to see me more than I am willing. He is a wonderful person too but I know being in a relationship requires time and my attention. GEEZ.......I only want to give myself attention!!! I dont want anyone to ask anything else of me, my plate is full!! Plus, I am happy and fulfilled, I could care less if I am in a relationship.... most of the time. But, I know I dont want to be alone forever, either. And I know it hard to find a good man to love you AND your kids.
I relish the quiet when the boys are gone. Sometimes,I feel I just dont have what it takes to be in a relationship.....right now.
I was in a previous relationship with a man who was very busy with his work and it was perfect. We both understood from the beginning our time together was limited, we dated 3 years but broke it off for different reasons. Anyway, I am looking for advice too. Just wanted you to know I completely understand.

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