Someone enlighten me, please!
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| Tue, 08-05-2008 - 7:53pm |
OK, here goes. I need help figuring out why I feel the way I do. I am even going to a therapist, starting to crack the shell, but still need "girl opinion".
My marriage was pretty crappy, to say the least. Not that there were never good times, there were some. But for the most part, he was a narcissistic creep. Seemed like the greatest guy to neighbors and coworkers, but treated me and the kids like enemies, always having us walk on eggshells. That being said, the kids and I formed a pretty tight unit, got out of the marriage, but the kids and I have stunted communication skills in many areas.
Been divorced since 5/07. Been seeing a nice man since end of June. He is very nice and funny. I freaked out a couple of weeks ago when he wasn't returning messages, but it was for a legit reason.
He talks to me a lot about how I feel about things. He tells me to stop walking on eggshells with him. I often feel like I keep pushing him away to prove to myself that I am unworthy. But then I want to be with him very badly, because I really like how I feel when I am with him. On one hand I want this to work out very badly, but on the other I am not sure if I my inability to communicate is going to make this go away. I want to trust him, but can't let myself go. My ex did so many obnoxious things that I assume all men will.
The new guy? Calls when he says he'll call (except that one time). Remembers things I say. Asks about my kids. Worries about his own kid. Tells me I am pretty. Apologizes when necessary. Asks me about my day and really listens to what my answer is. I told him about a recent health scare, but told him after the fact, and he got upset with me for not telling him while it was happening. Ladies, I AM NOT USED TO THIS!
So why am I trying to sabotage this?

I think you are trying to sabotage it because you feel that you don't deserve it. If you make him leave, because you assume he will, then you are the one in control. I do not know how to stop this...maybe you need more time to heal and get your self esteem back.
You`re trying to sabotage it because you`re not ready for a "real" relationship yet- you haven't finished dealing with the abuse/ drama/ neglect/ etc of the old one.
Stay in counseling, but tell this guy that you need a bit of time to sort yourself out. You want to be able to give yourself fully to the relationship, not only piecemeal when you're riding a high.
The guy will understand.
You are sabotaging because as you said you are not used to it. I sense that you need time to heal. And healing is possible for you and your children as well. I had a very similar abusive marriage and i needed recovery. I needed to learn why i felt unworthy. Uncovering that truth will set you free. It may be painful to take that journey but it is necessary if you ever want a normal, healthy relationship with a great guy. Because unfortunately, if you don't go there and recieve healing, you will always go for that guy who treats you poorly and sabotage it with the guy who wants to treat you right.
I'm glad you said you are in counseling because that is a very safe place to recieve healing and explore those dark places that are too scary to explore alone. And no one is ever alone when you find that original source of pain... It often started in childhood. I pray that you will find the hope and strength to get to the root of your pain. To become empowered with who you are and not see yourself as a victim from your marriage.
Huge congratulations for getting out!!! That takes more strength than you know and if you don't hear it often, WAY TO GO!!! That is a very huge first step. The next step is going inward into yourself (for me it was in prayer and with a process called Theophostic prayer, meaning shining God's light into my hurt areas)... Going ALL the way back to the first time you felt the way that you feel when you want to sabotage the relationship. Is it fear of loss, is it fear of abandonement, is it a feeling of loss of control... whatever it is, going back to the original source and having a revelation and new perspective.. sometimes it's just realizing that you have nothing to fear anymore... you are out of it. sometimes it's realizing that a higher power is in control and you don't have anything to fear. you can let go of the pain and you will be alright. Sometimes is coming to a place of unexplained peace... there is no answer except that now you are no longer afraid. I'm just giving you a few examples of how you can recieve healing. You can receive healing. You do NOT have to live your life as a victim to the horrible things your ex did to you. You can and You WILL be set free.
With much love,
loonybunny
Wow, that was so nice, brought tears to my eyes. My therapist has started going way back with me...she even had me "playing" today. She noticed that I couldn't even verbalize how I felt about things...her feeling is that whatever is at the root of this problem happened at a time when I was too young to have the words to describe how I felt. (not like going back to being a baby, just when you are a child, you simply don't have the vocabulary to describe how you feel)
When I describe to people what was going on in my marriage, they are dumbfounded with the nonsense I put up with. Hard to believe, but I always say, it wasn't that big a deal. Then they look at me like I am insane.
I almost wish that I had met this man a year from now, then I wouldn't be in this weird place.
Thanks again for your kind words.
I am glad to hear you are seeing therapist. That is where you can really get to the root cause of your issues. At least you are aware of your own sabbtoging which is good. I went through therapy several years ago for similar reasons and found that I was the common denominator; I could not blame the situation on any of my exes because the real issue was why did I choose these situations and accept this behavior and in some cases create it. My issues went back to my own childhood. I wish I had given therapy a little longer because now everything rings true and I am finally putting into practice what learned.
BTW...I think it is so funny my therapist gave me homework to practice flirting. I wanted some stuffy old analytical guy for a therapist but instead I got this striking woman in her early forties with a more ethereal approach. Still, she was just what I needed and taught me a lot.
I am the type who needs to understand why things are happening. When my ex left, I spent ages trying to figure out what I did wrong, despite the fact that everyone around me said I did nothing wrong (to a point, of course...can't cast all the blame on one person). I have spent a lot of time thinking about this tonight and this morning (thank you all, again). For the first time, I think I may be getting closer to the root issue, even though I have avoided thinking about it for a long time.
I notice that even doing the "on line" thing, I am attracted to people who are rather unavailable for a variety of reasons. Even the person I am seeing, nice as he is, is "unavailable" to me due to the fact that he lives 45 minutes away, raising a kid alone, self-employed and struggling a bit at the moment. But I blew off a couple of guys who live in the town where I work because they seemed to eager to date me. Go figure.
My biological father came in and out of my life as a child, disappearing for months/years on end, causing chaos whenever he came around, blaming ME for the fact that his life was screwed up, and clearly did not like me as a person. On top of that he lived in the same darned town! I always thought that since my mom remarried a GREAT guy when I was only 6 (he raised me as his own) that I didn't have "daddy issues". Guess I did, and have been trying to fix it ever since!
I'm glad that you're getting this figured out, startover!
What was it that Dr. Phil says alot on his show? (he says alot of trademark phrases) That you wouldn't want to join the club who would have you as a member? What he means is that he sees alot of people who beat themselves up about self-worth, and that causes alot of the relationship challenges. Like if a man is interested in seeing you, you start questioning just WHY he would want you, what is wrong with him??!? That kind of thing.
So I think that if you can pinpoint what this is... and get past it, you will be strong and confident and hopefully the repeated pattern of picking unavailable men will stop. And picking an interested, available man won't cause you to start questioning everything and freaking out.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))) but I think you're already well on your way! Wooohooo!
~shrimpy
It's never too late to live happily ever after, and always be grateful for those who make our souls blossom.
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I think its your past telling you it wont succeed again. Has your past made you negative? I think counseling would help especially with your communication with the kids. Did your ex make you feel like you were not worthy of a good man? Did he hurt your self esteem? I can recommend good self esteem books. One is called just that, Self Esteem. The other is Total Self Confidence by Robert Anthony. Great books and not just for self esteem issues. They will change your thinking.
I can tell you