something to think about

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
something to think about
28
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 10:50am
I ran into kind of a touchy topic this week.

A student in grad school is finding herself attracted to another student. Not a problem on the face of it. The student she's attracted to is in a wheelchair, paralyzed legs, some involvement of hands as well. She knows he's dated and been involved with women and one of the other guy students says sex is something he talks about,though not in detail.

So, my question. Would any of you consider dating someone who is disabled? Or have any of you?

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Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:20am

I've never considered it....because it's never come up.


I think this is one of those questions that fits in the "does he have kids?" category.


Me personally, unless I happened to fall head over heels for someone who happened to be handicapped, no, I probably wouldn't seek it out. I don't think I'd have the capacity to care endlessly for someone who had special needs. Anymore than I would really want to open myself up to dating and marrying a man with children from a previous relationship who I would then have to be ready to help nurture and raise. And deal with a potentially messy blended family situation.

Becky

Becky

 

 

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Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:21am
I totally agree with what Becky says on all accounts here.
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Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:27am
I'm with you on this. I'm not closed off to any possibilities, but it would be difficult to be with someone you have to give extra care to. Not that I'm not loving and nurturing but caring for a child and caring for an adult are two different animals.

I am also with you on the partner with kids issue. I know people who have blended families who do it well, but I am just one of those that feels more comfortable knowing my man has no children and we can focus our attention on Dylan and our kids together.

No visitation messes. We have enough with my ex. I'd hate to deal with another ex.

Mel

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:35am
A little clarification...this fellow lives independently. He doesn't have and doesn't need a caregiver. He's a full time graduate student. Very intelligent and seems to have an active social life. His friends help him but he doesn't need it.

He lives alone, no kids.

Now I'm more interested in the "head over heels in love" thing though. Beck, did that happen with J?

Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:53am

Beck, did that happen with J? ... Do you mean, did HE fall head over heels with someone who was handicapped, or IS he himself??? I am confused. LOL


If you mean, did I fall for him and that's why I didn't "toss that one back" way in the beginning of our relationship, yes I guess so. I was sick over the idea of losing him, but I went through SOME of what Marybeth is dealing with in regards to her relationship with Jerry. (he was VERY interested in being committed to me and increasing our "level" if you will. I wouldn't have stayed if I felt like I wasn't important enough to commit further too.) Jas was depressed MOST of the time we dated. We just joked the yesterday that in his first marriage (he was young) the dating relationship was all about fun fun fun/party party party. He knew her for a year, had a LOT of fun, but never really knew each other...and lasted less than a year. So, yesterday after making that comment, he said "that's why I did the opposite with you! It was the ultimate test. I knew you'd stick around if you didn't have any fun, but still married me." Guffaw! NOT really funny. But we chuckled anyway.


Our dating relationship was hard hard hard. Being married is hard hard hard too. BUT, we have much more fun inbetween, and we're on the same page in most areas now. J was just really depressed. He was on paxil, which only worsened the condition. It was a bad time in his life, and I was there to "prop him up" and while that was ok sometimes, occasionally resentment built up and ROARED out at him. And he was at the time helpless to do anything about it. Except go to counseling, which he never would, because he'd already been before "and it wasn't much help". Stubborn man. (THAT is STILL true. ;)


Of course, after we married, he was doing much much better..and I took my own nose dive culminating in that really bad pregnancy. He stuck by me with more patience and grace and support than anyone else ever could have. So, the balance evened out some.


On the fellow in question here. He's still handicapped. I think we knew that he was sharp and independant. But he still has lifelong disabilities that will have a HUGE impact on any kind of long term relationship/commitment that he enters into. And I wanted to also say re: your friend...if she's attracted and interested I think that's GREAT. I simply wouldn't seek it. That was my stance on the "would you consider it" question. ;)

Becky

Becky

 

 

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 12:23pm
LOL!

Yes, I meant did you fall head over heels. you goofy girl!

Ok, let me do the devil's advocate role here. Of course you don't "seek out" a disabled individual, any more than you seek out someone who is in a high danger occupation (cop's wives), or someone who's going to be deployed to iraq (lots of people dealing with that), or someone who has a heart attack at 35 (one of my friend's husbands, who is dealing with lots of disabilities right now that he never expected), or someone with BAD knees (ME! and they could give out in a few years).

The reason I ask is that the grad student is someone I know, and she backed off from this guy because he is disabled. I just met them both as a result of my grad student association. He is delightful, funny, smart and he wants a relationship. Should he only seek out disabled people? Or should he seek among people he normally associates with just like everyone else?

I find myself a little attracted to him, too. He is handsome (beautiful face) and we have a lot of the same interests. And he was very charming, remembering my name and speaking directly to me.

So I'm asking for me as well as in general.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 12:39pm
I'm NOT being accusative...I don't know how I feel about it. I just want help hashing this out, because I have a feeling I'm going to need to deal with it. One of the other students told me I'm his type and they don't want him to get hurt again. So I want to know what I think up front. KWIM?

A couple of things on the net...related to the issue.

******************************************************

Story

A few years ago, on another website, a woman related the tale of how she and her husband went to a local restaurant for a bite to eat. He had a mild mental handicap as well as a visual impairment. The waitress came up, took their order, and then asked his wife what group home she had "brought him visiting from."

It's almost as if we're all expected to live out our lives in virginal purity. The majority expects that the disabled are all like adult children, easy to take advantage of and lacking the normal human drive for intimacy. That said, some feel the need to protect us from ourselves and the uh "urges-we-will-never-understand."

It's pretty deflating when you meet a cute guy, and all he wants to do is lead you around a scaffold in the street (one that you could have navigated fine, yet). It's even more deflating to ask someone to the movies and get an answer like, "Sure, I'll be bringing my little sister along though; is that all right?"

Intimacy between an able bodied person and a disabled one is viewed as a charitable act. That realization is enough to deflate anyone.

God forbid an able bodied person marry a disabled person. I mean, "It's fine if the person becomes disabled after the marriage; than the spouse should stay with them. But why would one want to marry such a person on purpose?"

Is there a way to inflate our image in the face of that form of discrimination? I doubt it. Not in this era anyways. While most areas of sexuality are being explored by various groups in the populace, the disability and sexuality link is viewed as kind of a perversion. Most wouldn't openly admit this, but I'm betting the feeling is pretty common. In truth, those of us interested in pursuing relationships are often viewed with quiet amusement, as if we were children playing at tea. The idea that a serious relationship could develop between two people of various disabilities has been made the butt of more than a few jokes. It's almost like love between disabled people isn't as weighty a matter as it is between two able bodied people.

Pride will only come with social enlightenment.

******************************************

I am a temporarily abled person married to a man who happens to have a spinal cord injury. Not only is he tired of being told how wonderful and strong he has been to go on with life, I am tired of being told what a special person I am to have the courage to marry him. I fell in love with and married the man he is -- not the physical limitations that he has.

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Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 12:43pm
I'm NOT being accusative...Just to be sure, you didn't think that *I* thought you were did you? I was afraid you'd gotten something from my post that sounded attacking. I didn't mean it to be! ;)
Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 12:46pm

Intimacy between an able bodied person and a disabled one is viewed as a charitable act. That realization is enough to deflate anyone. ..That mentality is a travesty. I still maintain that it takes a very special person, and Candi, I think YOU are a very special person.


I think it's very cool that you might be interested. I also don't think I can help you at ALL on the "should I / Shouldn't I" questions. I don't like the "you should follow your heart" kind of advice often, as that can be overdone and unwise. But, in this instance, I think that's the right answer.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 12:47pm
no...I never think that with you. YOu're too damned nice. ROTFL

I know sometimes I come off like a crusader and I don't want anyone to feel bad about what they do or don't choose to do.

love ya beck *grin*

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