something to think about

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
something to think about
28
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 10:50am
I ran into kind of a touchy topic this week.

A student in grad school is finding herself attracted to another student. Not a problem on the face of it. The student she's attracted to is in a wheelchair, paralyzed legs, some involvement of hands as well. She knows he's dated and been involved with women and one of the other guy students says sex is something he talks about,though not in detail.

So, my question. Would any of you consider dating someone who is disabled? Or have any of you?

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 12:56pm

Oh don't kid yourself. I can be VERY mean. LOL!!!


You know, the part about you that can be a "crusader" is the part that makes me think this idea of dating someone in a wheelchair might not be so outrageous.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 12:59pm
Thank you for the "special person" thing. I would never be with someone for "charity".

And there would be the reverse to consider, for me (miss on-again/off-again self esteem) if he was only with me because...you know the rest.

My heart ISN'T in it yet, so now is the time to evaluate some of my own prejudices and preferences. I'm trying to think this over first...this is someone in a group of friends. They are friends I want to keep seeing and I don't want to alienate or hurt anyone. I don't know if it matters to me that he's disabled, it's not something I've ever run into before. I do want to know before he makes a move. If he never does that's fine, too.

This mutual friend said "intelligent, sassy red heads" are a killer for him. I think it's great that his friends care enough to look out for him.

I've certainly dated guys with parents who would have needed care. And I may need care before he would...I ain't no spring chicken. But this is a totally unique situation for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 1:21pm
I did just think of some other things. If the person, like you said, was sort of independent that would be okay.

But I think you would have to look at other aspects of the person and the relationship. Do you have things in common? Good conversation? What about future goals? And of course, chemistry? The very fact that the person is disabled can make many things in life different. This can be good or bad.

I would not seek out someone disabled. But if the circumstances were right and we really clicked that would be okay. I guess I first pictured a Christopher Reeves when I initially read it.

In life there are many circumstances and opportunities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 1:26pm
When I was in college, I had the biggest crush on a guy in a wheelchair. He was the friendliest guy ever and so happy. I was too shy to get to know him. We didn't have any classes together...he was a grad student and I was ungrad. He always said hi and smiled at me. I would have loved to date him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 2:16pm
Thanks for that comment. Do you know if he dated?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 2:59pm
I have considered it. I have a couple of friends who are disabled and have a very active and happy social life. I would have dated one of them if he would have asked me…but he prefers blondes. ;)

Some people see the person, not the wheelchair or the disability. Others don’t. Can you or your friend see past the wheelchair and see the person instead? If you can, and you see that he has the qualities you admire, respect and require in a man, then I say that’s what you should base your decision on. If you can’t see past the wheelchair, though, then don’t attempt it. I am not judging or saying one or the other is right or wrong. Besides, it doesn’t matter what other people think, it only matters what you think because you are the one who’s going to get involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:47pm


At this point (and this is probably all that's necessary at this point) I can see being great friends with him and having a lot of fun. He's vibrant, intelligent, smart ass humor (like me) and appreciates women who have brains. And, he's been nice to me, which is a big deal. I admire his attitude. We all have challenges, and some with much less to deal with fold under the pressure.

He's very cute, too...doesn't hoit! So the ball is in his court I guess. And supposedly he has a thing for redheads...LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:54pm
I dated someone who was disabled when I was in high school. He wasn't in a wheel chair, but he had received 3rd degree burns over 75% of his body - and he had to wear pressure clothing and a pressure mask (Candi - I may have told you about this in emails - we went to the same church and were in youth group together.)

I didn't have any issues with him (besides the fact that he moved away!) I think I'm one of those special people that could easily date someone who was disabled - and I wouldn't consider it a factor. At all. Especially if they were independent. I simply don't know many disabled people, and don't meet many.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 4:01pm
I'm sure he did date. Like I said, he was the nicest, happiest guy I had ever seen. I don't remember every crush I've ever had, but I could never forget that guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 4:39pm

Hi Candi,


I think it's so wise and thoughtful of you to consider everything before plunging forward.