something to think about
Find a Conversation
something to think about
| Mon, 10-25-2004 - 10:50am |
I ran into kind of a touchy topic this week.
A student in grad school is finding herself attracted to another student. Not a problem on the face of it. The student she's attracted to is in a wheelchair, paralyzed legs, some involvement of hands as well. She knows he's dated and been involved with women and one of the other guy students says sex is something he talks about,though not in detail.
So, my question. Would any of you consider dating someone who is disabled? Or have any of you?

Pages
(prepared for the bashing, bring it on!)
Tara
What you listed I am trying to think through myself. And what I couldn't do without.
Dancing cheek to cheek.(I'm not a good dancer anyway)
Being pulled close and embraced.(may not happen from a standing position, but wheelchair users certainly do get out of the chairs and snuggle on the couch. Actually I've seen him hug from his wheelchair)
Making love in all of the ways that two able-bodied partners can. (who I'm with is so much more important to me than what we do. Making love seems to have it's own difficulties no matter who you're with....from my own experience. Any two people who are truly intimate with each other can have a satisfying physical relationship.)
Walking hand-in-hand, side by side. (I can walk with a wheelchair user)
Working out together. (I'm pretty sure he has to work to keep that upper body strength, we could go to the gym and work out together)
Traveling light; doing very spontaneous things. (he's quite mobile, not tied to any equipment or anything, except for using his wheelchair)
Sailing. (don't have a desire to do that)
Snorkeling and scuba diving. (don't do that either)
Being on the beach together.... (we can do that)
especially strolling on the beach at night. (don't live by an ocean anyway)
Access to some things might be limited, I would need to know that any of those things I wanted to do on my own or with friends would be ok with him.
Things I wouldn't do without:
Snuggling on the couch together
whispering together in a restaurant
Spending time studying together
Someone who is as excited about education and learning as I am.
Someone who is capable of loving.
someone who is very proud to be with me and pays attention to me.
Someone who is gregarious and would be ok being with a crowd.
Talking for hours about things we both care about (anthropologist stuff for instance)
Having my independence (I know he thinks this is important from what he says)
Having someone who respects me for more than my body, and the same in return.
Someone who wants me for who I am, all of me, my whole life.
It's interesting to think about things I couldn't do without. And it's good to know what I need, regardless of whether anything happens with this or not. These are things I would need from anyone, disabled or abled.
I also know I have a very deep need to be making a difference in the world. That's the crusader part of me. Two of my deepest desires are intimacy and helping the people I care about. It's a little hard for me to understand (not that I'm saying it's bad, just that my makeup is somehow different...that's what makes the world go round right?) when someone says "I just wouldn't want the extra trouble". You all know I've been involved with the diversity seminars here in town. One of the areas we discuss is the disabled, how they are marginalized, etc. One of the women in my first discussion group was a disabled wheelchair user (always has been),and she is married to a "temporarily able bodied" man. He is very giving and caring. She's the more gung ho of the two. Maybe I should give her a call as well.
I was with someone quite able bodied for many years and had no intimacy. Come to think of it, we also had no spontanaeity, or gentle hugs, or sweeping off my feet, or walking side by side. The things that matters most is the attitude two people have about each other. The intimacy factor. I think I could have that with or without the wheelchair factor, when I get to the heart of things. So, what really matters is getting to know this person and how he operates in life.
And, if anything comes of this, I need to be very clear about what dating is, it's getting to know each other and SEEING if you are good together. It's not a commitment to anything further. We could spend a couple of quality years together, and he will finish his MA quite a bit before I do mine, most likely. Definitely food for thought.
But this man is independent now, lives on his own, takes grad courses...I think he even has a part time job at the University. If you saw him, saw him talking and eating fries with all of us you'd probably see him differently. He's cute and animated and yes, he feed himself. I wouldn't let him change that...and I don't think he would let anyone make him dependent. He's worked too hard to do it on his own.
don't feel bad, maybe you just never met the right guy in a wheelchair. LOL....
Maybe I haven't either, yet to be seen.
While Maggie's list is very important and good to think about (and certainly shows all that she likes with Chris), it is HOW you view things with one person.
For example, dancing cheek to cheek might be good for one person but if you don't like dancing then that is not important.
What I was going to say is that maybe he might not be like superman, but what if he is a super person? There are able-bodied men who cheat, don't call, don't want to commit, stare at porn on the internet, and are so into themselves that they can't possibly love anyone. This person might be extra special because he looks at life in a different way and would be MORE capable of an emotional relationship.
What matters most is how you relate and if you can find things to do that you both like together.
Now the question I have is are you thinking about this guy for you or your friend? I got confused somehow on that.
I'm considering whether I would do that or not, since someone told me I'm his type.
Tossing ideas around here helped me think it through, and I know now I would not back away from him for that reason. I enjoyed his company and he's funny (someone who can make me laugh is important)and smart, and I think he's also sweet. He has lots of good friends and that's a good recommendation. He'd be fun to be with and I won't discourage him from flirting. That was my concern right now. I think he's quite capable of pursuing if he's so inclined. :)
Well then, he is just a regular guy - isn't that just the most normal thing - you have to wait!! :-)
I am in the same boat right now. Keep us posted!!
Candi,
I think it's great that you're looking very deeply into how you feel about all of this, and that tossing ideas around here has helped to
It seems you have the ability to see him for all his possibilities, not his limitations. The way you have described him, this is the kind of women he deserves.
Whatever happens, good luck!
Pages