Sometimes I think he is ashamed....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Sometimes I think he is ashamed....
20
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 1:12pm
Isn't life just too cruel???

Here's the background...

I'm dating a wonderful man. He's 25, he has a good job. He wants to go to law school. He loves kids (especially my 4 year old). We've been together for a year. We started dating after my seperation, but before my divorce was final. he is so good to me. Sweet, considerate, loving. My parents love him. I've been introduced to all of his friends. He practically shows me off to them....

but I haven't been introduced to his family yet.

More background to help things out... he's dated girls in the past, but never found anyone he really likes, until me. So he's never gone out with any one for more than 3 months, way short of being qualified as girlfriend material. He's never brought any girl home, except for a friend from high school who is considered more a friend of the family than anything else. His parents EXPECT him to go to law school.

And yes, I realize that we are both adults, but family ties are very strong from the area where we live. And we were both raised to cherish our family and to get their blessings on things.

I realize that I'm not the idealistic woman for a single guy (at least by most parents' standads), but I really am good to him, and I think that if his parents get to know me... I just don't know anymore. we've talked about it, but only in passing. He keeps asking for me to let things happen with time. I don't want to push things, but... sometimes it just feels like he's ashamed of me when it comes to his family.

My best friend keeps telling me to give him time. And maybe that is what I need to do. I really do love him and aside from introductions to his family, there is nothing else that is wrong or bad about our relationship..

any advice? Any words of wisdom? Anyone think I'm just in idiot and that I'm just beating my head against a wall?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 1:58pm
thank you mel! I appreciate your candor. I'd never thought about him not giving his parents credit for being nice people. but he's really not.

I am being patient.... kind of... :-) I try to look on the positive side of things and think that when he is ready, they'll meet me and things will be just fine... It worked for you, and I'm sure it's worked for others.

Guess he and I just have to give his parents a chance. We gave my parents a chance and they fell in love with him. So maybe his will do the same with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 7:10pm
Sorry, I read it wrong. There is nothing wrong with encouraging him in his endeavours through school. I just grow weary of anyone asking for a free ride, but you say you've been there done that and won't do it again.

The other poster was right about his parents though, they may see nothing wrong with you and welcome you with open arms. He may be the one blowing that out of the water with no basis for thinking that they won't accept you. He will never know unless he takes the chance. The longer he takes to just *do it* the less it seems that he's considering you long term.

My aunt's parents didn't like my uncle when they first met him- he was 15 years older, once married and not italian. Now they are married and have a daughter, and her parents love him so much for making thier daughter so happy....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 9:46am
II'm sorry if I sounded rude in any way with that post, but it really did hit home. Before my ex-husband became my husband and we were still dating, he was in bad financial trouble. I ended up using my bonuses from work to pay off his school loans (for a college education that he never finished, thus never getting a degree), I paid off some doctor bills and a few credit card bills. He managed to only work 2 1/2 years out of our 6 year marriage. We survived by my paycheck and my parents help. HIS truck was the vehicle we paid off 3 months before we split up.


I'd just never, ever do that again...mental and emotional support is one thing, sharing the cost of things (like dates and dinners and vacations) is another, out and out paying for things solely is completely different!

Thanks for everything you all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 2:58pm
You didn't sound rude :)

I spent 5 years bailing my son's dad out of things as well. He was off on workers comp for a bad accident and wasn't allowed to work for most of our relationship. But when he did work, and when he got his comp money, he blew it. He was in charge of rent money, and in the end I realized that I was paying that out of my pocket too. I was young and didn't know *better* I guess, and now I would walk away from anyone asking for anything like that from me.

If it were a case of I was married and my spouse did have a job and decided he would like to return to school, I would have no problem with that as long as he saved some money and worked hard at school. I would not put up with him slacking off if I was the only one providing. In the same token I would someday like to return to school myself for more and it would be great to have a spouse to help. Either way, I would probably save as much as I could before going and might try working part time to help out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 4:38pm
well leave it to a best friend to figure things out... I now know the entire story... Does it help the situation??? not at all... just confirms what I already know...

It's not that he's ashamed of me. Quite the contrary, he thinks his family will love me. Well, except for his father.

His father disapproves of any of his children having anything to do with a divorced person or a person with a child. He admitted that his mother would love me and so will his siblings. But his father is dead set against it. So much to the point that he is afraid that his father will be rude to me if he meets me and then give him hell any time he sees him and I'm not around. His father continuously tells horror stories of divorced couples, step-children, even dogs who despise the new person in the relationship. It's all a father worrying of what might be, not what is. His father is also the type of person who will judge someone before he even has a chance to get to know them. I will cause trouble because I'm divorced and have a child, that's the end of it, no seeing any silver lining in the storm clouds.

I've just come to the conclusion that it is all just a very sad situation. His father will not accept me even though I'm wonderful to his son. His father won't accept me even though his son loves me. I could change my personality or the way I dress. I can't change the fact that I'm divorced and have a son. :-( so I'm obviously in a no win situation.

Sorry to go on and on... just needed to vent.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 5:25pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 7:51pm
I agree with Maggie. He will have to put up a strong front and stand up to his dad for this matter. I understand that he may not want to risk the alienation of his family, but if he loves you and does want to be with you in the long run he'll have to do it sooner or later.

Does he HAVE to tell them ALL about you right away? Do they HAVE to know during the handshake that "this is my girlfrien, once divorced and mother of a child" ??? Maybe he's just looking at the whole situation wrong. If they meet you and see what a wonderful person you are, then they will have a good opinion to begin with. It would not be lying to them, just delaying in telling them anything overtly personal about you. You can keep the first few meetings brief and keep off the big conversations. His dad may be less rude if he gets to know you first before knowing your past.

There's no rule that says when you meet them they must know everything- and remind your boyfriend that. Also, when you do meet them, be sure to compliment his parents on raising such a wonderful son. Get some brownie points in- can't hurt!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 10:15pm
Alison, great ideas!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 9:46am
He told my best friend that he was going to introduce me, he really was, and had started to tell the family about us many times, but then didn't. She said, well what are you waiting for? Your dad to die? You gonna introduce her at his funeral???

Her bluntness does ring true though... he has to make the decision to tell them and deal with whatever his dad dishes out. He has tolerated his dad's opinions all his life and has stood up to him many times. So I think that is only part of the problem. I think, though am not 100% sure, that he is worried his father will be rude to me (which he knows will hurt my feelings). And that is part of what is holding him back.

I do feel somewhat better that he thinks his mother will like me!

Oh I'm so tired of the saying "wait and see" but I guess that's all I can do for the time being.

Thanks for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 2:44pm
Again, he can introduce you to them without having to describe your whole life story. Why bring it up if he knows what the reaction would be? I mean, if you do meet them and then the dad asks about your background you can tell him where you're from, went to school, where you work, etc. Unless he asks you bluntly "were you ever married, do you have kids?" there's no need to talk about it yet. Just make sure you pay attention to what you do say- so you don't slip in a "my daugter or my ex dh..."

I also doubt that his dad would find out and demand you leave his house at once.

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