son acting out with bf?

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Registered: 11-22-2006
son acting out with bf?
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Wed, 03-14-2007 - 11:26pm
Hi everyone. I would really appreciate some advice. My background is that I have been dating a guy very seriously for about 10 months now and he is very involved with my eight year old son and I. My son has never known anyone I have dated and I have been divorced for nearly seven years now. The two of them have been especially bonding lately and I have been watching with both joy and some fear since I hope this is "the one" and cant imagine my kid losing someone else in his life. This is why I have been so careful introducing but I get the impression that even my bf thinks I might have gone overboard on that one. Even introducing him was absoultely terrifying for some reason but it was fine once it was done...
Anyhow, we have been helping my bf paint in his new house for the past week and my son and I have been in and out moving our schedules over there half time to be there and be part of it all. I think it made my little guy feel very special actually to be included and the family atmosphere was pretty great for everyone as far as I can see. Well my bf's roommate is very high tech and there are multiple remotes and tvs and tivos and you name it around. We allowed my son in to play a bit when he got bored with painting and he is pretty savvy about electronics in general so it was going fine until today my bf said nervously that a remote is missing. He said it went missing right after my son was in the room alone for a min and his mind has been worried about it ever since. He was apparently nervous bringing it up with me because it took him half a day to tell me. I guess he thought I would be protective of my son and defensive. Honestly I was but the facts are that my son has tested me A LOT more than usual in the past month and he has been the same way at school too. So I have to think that him taking something that isnt his is possible even though it makes me cringe.
I spoke to my son tonight about it under the premise that A's roommate is coming home from vacation tomorrow and will be wondering where the remote is and did he know where he had it last. He said he didnt but the conversation seemed familiar somehow and he admitted that he had looked with A already for it and hadnt found it. He looked fairly preplexed as to why this was still going on and what he had to do with it. But honestly he just lied straight to my face about bedtime last week about something and I nearly fell over it surprised me so much.
I know he has been having to adjust to a lot with A in our lives and seing me with someone for the first time since his Dad. I dont think he remember his Dad and I being together since we split when he was still 1 but still. His Dad is remarried and my son doesnt like her much so I am sure that makes things a bit complicated over there.
He looked upset as I put him to bed and when I asked him what he was upset about he said he was scared that A wouldnt ever find the remote and that he would somehow get blamed and A wouldnt like him anymore and his eyes welled up with tears. The two of them have had so much fun together lately it broke my heart. I reassured him that that wasnt the case and that A was just sleuthing out the remote for when the roommate got back - nothing more.
I never accused him of stealing certainly but I did ask enough questions to imply it while telling him that I loved him and would help us both make sense of this and promised things would be fine. I suggested that next time we were there that he volunteer to take the room with A and search it since obviously things cant evaporate and neither of them thinks they would have taken it out of the room for any reason.
I know it is just a remote but I am feeling horrible about this whole thing. my work is exploding right now so that might be contributing. I just cant stand the thought my son taking something and I really dread the thought of my son and A losing some of their fun together over this.
A is btw tearing the room apart tonight to see if he can end the mystery once and for all.
Any suggestions as to how to reassure the little guy in the meantime? I am also leaving town mid next week for concerts and am feeling suddenly guilty as heck about it....argh
Lilypie - Personal picture

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 12:12am

City, the thing you're doing well is reassuring your son that you love him.

Honestly, I'm not sure at this point it matters if he took it, hid it, or simply misplaced it. He feels like he's being blamed, and if he honestly didn't intentionally lose it, that's a horrible feeling. I've certainly been there- accused of something I know I didn't do but can't prove, and it's awful. Feeling like people think you're guilty of something when you know you aren't is rotten, especially when you're a child.

Keep up with the reassurances that no matter what he ever does you love your son, but also make it clear that lying is something you won't tolerate. I learned very young that I would get into twice as much trouble if I lied than if I simply told the truth- no matter how bad my transgression was. I try to always teach this same principle to my children.

Meanwhile, I sincerely hope your boyfriend finds the remote, and does end the mystery, whether your son hid it or not. I would worry less about his loss of fun with the boyfriend, though. It may end up being a stumbling block, but maybe what your son's acting out means is that he's afraid of being dropped by the boyfriend, and this is his way of subconsciously testing him. How your boyfriend reacts will indicate to your son if he's really there for him or not.

Good luck, and please keep us posted! I know how trying it is to juggle work kids and a relationship- it'll all smooth out over time.

Moody, trying not to drop any balls as she juggles


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Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 8:40am
Thanks for writing back. it made me feel better for sure. I just heard from the boyfriend and he found the remote....next to a naked calendar he knew nothing about in the roommate's room. I knew it would be in that room of course since that is where it belongs but I knew nothing about pornographic materials in there so I guess I have learned my lesson there. My bf made me laugh because he presented it in the "I have good news and I have bad news" way. He said he would speak to his roommate about putting the materials up somewhere higher and in the meantime I have to tell my son we found the remote but do I tell him where I found it? He seems to have been looking through that stuff. He is eight! Luckily I look totally just like those women in the calendars so I am sure it didnt shock him haha ha ha hee right? I figure it is either laugh or cry at this point. I am very very glad to know that he didnt steal anything though. Thanks goodness. I have made it very clear that the reason I am doubting him is because of his lying last week so he knows that even though it feels horrible to have someone be suspicious that you did something you didnt, he brought most of the suspicion on himself through last week's behavior. I am hoping that even with the way things have turned out that he has learned that lesson. Its a good one about keeping people's trust.
And I think you are right that my son might at some point if he hasnt already test my bf about loyalty. Anyhow, I really appreciate your responding.
Any advice on 8 year olds seeing nudey material?
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 9:14am

As a matter of fact, I have an 8 year old son. I'm guessing at some point he's walked in on you while you were in the shower, getting dressed, or just generally not fully clothed. In our family, this isn't a big deal- but I'm also not big on censorship, and I don't believe the naked body is anything to be ashamed of...

So, knowing that about me, you may want to take my advice with a grain of salt. my son was watching a mom-approved video clip on a website one time, and I glanced over, and saw an ad on the side of the page with a very scantily clad woman on it. I asked my son if he thought the girl was pretty, and he said "what girl?" He was very into the video clip and didn't even notice the girl- but it wouldn't have been the first time he'd seen nudity, so for him seeing the girl wasn't a big deal.

My son is also at the age where he's getting crushes on girls, so we've talked about what it means to like someone, and he actually told me a couple of weeks ago that he doesn't like his first crush as much anymore because she's not as smart as his current crush. Both girls are equally nice, so for him, I guess it was the brains that won him over. Smart boy, my son. ;-)

Obviously there's a difference between nudity and pornography, and I wouldn't want him exposed to either on a regular basis, but it's also a natural curiousity for kids. I think I might not even bring it up, just make sure he's not ever in that room alone or that he doesn't have access to it. It is the roommate's room, and I think as an adult, I'd be upset if I thought a kid was invading my space- especially a kid I didn't know well and wasn't involved with on any level.

I'm glad the remote was found, and maybe your boyfriend could be the one to tell him- that way, your son will know he doesn't harbor any bad feelings, either. Good luck, and keep us posted!

Moody, worried more about her daughter than her son in this area


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Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 9:36am
* deleted *


Edited 3/15/2007 11:45 am ET by fivesense
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 10:03am

My son is 8 years old too. I think they know far more than we can possibly imagine. I don't think a nude calendar would be shocking to him; porn is another issue altogether though. It is not clear from your post whether there was any other material that your son could have had access to...

I think my son's reaction if he saw a calendar with nude women on it would be "eeeewwwwww" and he wouldn't look (he HATES girls!!! LOL that will change I am sure!).

Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 10:23am

To be honest, I think you might be a little TOO paranoid. First of all, to blatantly state "you are spending too much time on your bf, this is why your son is acting out at school and at home," is a dangerous accusation. Considering you really don't know how much time she's spending on her bf, or what other issues are going on in the boy's life, to state something that to you, looks obvious, could preclude Mom from looking at other, more reasonable, explanations (like a learning disability, puberty hitting early, a problem with a classmate, or fear of losing "mom" or bf if they break up - which, while a natural fear, is one you can't avoid if you ARE going to make someone else permanent in your life).

Your second paragraph actually has me a little disturbed...to state "of course, there will be porn there," is just plain judgemental...I have dated many men who do NOT collect, or watch, porn of any kind - and I have dated men who do. If her bf had KNOWN the calendar was in there, he probably would have stopped the child from entering (if, for no other reason, than it belonged to his roommate). In fact, I would be MORE concerned about my roommate allowing his gf's 8 year old son to rummage through my room while I was on vacation.

There was porn in the room - the child found it - a typical male reaction is to laugh it off - particularly if that male has no children of his own. They're uncomfortable and unsure how to react - in no way does that make anyone a potential pedophile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 10:41am

* deleted * wasn't meant to be a "flame"

Edited 3/15/2007 11:44 am ET by fivesense




Edited 3/15/2007 11:48 am ET by fivesense
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:13am
OK to be perfectly honest I really appreciate most of the posts here but yours struck me as odd. I havent posted all that much on the boards about my relationship. Probably just a handful. I post about the relationship because that is what the boards are for. It is "single Mothers Dating" Not "everything else single moms are doing". I took offense to your post actually and dont know where the statement about spending too much time with my bf is about. I have posted at least once about being overwhelmed in response to another poster's original post feeling overwhelmed because she made me feel less alone about it and I wanted her to feel the same. That is what the boards are for. But I have also posted good things and strides I have made as a woman trying to find love again and balance a great life. I do spend a lot of time with my bf but I spend much more time with my kid. I am a violin teacher and a professional violinist who solos with major symphonies on a regular basis so my life is full and has its joys and pressures. I have no regrets about how I spend my time.
My bf has been wonderful to both of us and is the absolute opposite of a pedophile! He had no idea there was a nudie calendar in there and wouldnt have let him in there if he knew. Not all bachelors have such things. He certainly doesnt. The roommate in question is a great guy who also knows my son now a bit and gave us permission to use his room because there is a great set up in there with video games. For all I know the calendar was a gag gift or something. I am not judging him for having one piece of inappropriate material in his room. My son was in there for about a half hour by himself playing a video game. Mostly my bf plays the games with him to have fun - I dont know how these new game systems work so that is something the two of them do together amongst other stuff.
It is good you admitted you are paranoid because it seems clear you are. In fact I think you may have posted just to get some responses and rile people up. Good job and congrats.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:15am
Hi. Thanks for your post. I think fivesense is having a unique reaction to my posts or which there is absolutely no general theme. if anyone else sense a theme I would be glad to read about it and ponder it but after her jump at the pedophile possibility and the general tenure of her post, I am not likely to read her posts with an open mind. its too bad because everyone else has been actually quite helpful in my current dilemma!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:24am
I think my son's reaction was probably similar to yours. He is definitely curious but more in the "eww" stage as you stated. It was just a calendar. Not porn. Big difference as far as I am concerned. like I stated in a post a second ago, I wouldnt be surprised if it were a gag gift with this roommate. Thanks for your reply though. You guys are great to respond - it has really eased my mind...
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