son acting out with bf?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
son acting out with bf?
18
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 11:26pm
Hi everyone. I would really appreciate some advice. My background is that I have been dating a guy very seriously for about 10 months now and he is very involved with my eight year old son and I. My son has never known anyone I have dated and I have been divorced for nearly seven years now. The two of them have been especially bonding lately and I have been watching with both joy and some fear since I hope this is "the one" and cant imagine my kid losing someone else in his life. This is why I have been so careful introducing but I get the impression that even my bf thinks I might have gone overboard on that one. Even introducing him was absoultely terrifying for some reason but it was fine once it was done...
Anyhow, we have been helping my bf paint in his new house for the past week and my son and I have been in and out moving our schedules over there half time to be there and be part of it all. I think it made my little guy feel very special actually to be included and the family atmosphere was pretty great for everyone as far as I can see. Well my bf's roommate is very high tech and there are multiple remotes and tvs and tivos and you name it around. We allowed my son in to play a bit when he got bored with painting and he is pretty savvy about electronics in general so it was going fine until today my bf said nervously that a remote is missing. He said it went missing right after my son was in the room alone for a min and his mind has been worried about it ever since. He was apparently nervous bringing it up with me because it took him half a day to tell me. I guess he thought I would be protective of my son and defensive. Honestly I was but the facts are that my son has tested me A LOT more than usual in the past month and he has been the same way at school too. So I have to think that him taking something that isnt his is possible even though it makes me cringe.
I spoke to my son tonight about it under the premise that A's roommate is coming home from vacation tomorrow and will be wondering where the remote is and did he know where he had it last. He said he didnt but the conversation seemed familiar somehow and he admitted that he had looked with A already for it and hadnt found it. He looked fairly preplexed as to why this was still going on and what he had to do with it. But honestly he just lied straight to my face about bedtime last week about something and I nearly fell over it surprised me so much.
I know he has been having to adjust to a lot with A in our lives and seing me with someone for the first time since his Dad. I dont think he remember his Dad and I being together since we split when he was still 1 but still. His Dad is remarried and my son doesnt like her much so I am sure that makes things a bit complicated over there.
He looked upset as I put him to bed and when I asked him what he was upset about he said he was scared that A wouldnt ever find the remote and that he would somehow get blamed and A wouldnt like him anymore and his eyes welled up with tears. The two of them have had so much fun together lately it broke my heart. I reassured him that that wasnt the case and that A was just sleuthing out the remote for when the roommate got back - nothing more.
I never accused him of stealing certainly but I did ask enough questions to imply it while telling him that I loved him and would help us both make sense of this and promised things would be fine. I suggested that next time we were there that he volunteer to take the room with A and search it since obviously things cant evaporate and neither of them thinks they would have taken it out of the room for any reason.
I know it is just a remote but I am feeling horrible about this whole thing. my work is exploding right now so that might be contributing. I just cant stand the thought my son taking something and I really dread the thought of my son and A losing some of their fun together over this.
A is btw tearing the room apart tonight to see if he can end the mystery once and for all.
Any suggestions as to how to reassure the little guy in the meantime? I am also leaving town mid next week for concerts and am feeling suddenly guilty as heck about it....argh
Lilypie - Personal picture

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 12:46pm

I didn't read fivesense's original message before it was deleted, but I have gotten the general idea of it from other posts that were in response to it.

I feel I must comment, simply to say that while at times she can come off as harsh, fivesense truly does have YOUR best interest, and that of you son's, at heart. With just a few posts, it is difficult to guage your living scenario adequately.

I do not think she meant at all to be flaming or harsh- we all have opinions, and one of the reasons I love this "place" so much is that everyone's opinion can be so varied form topic to topic.

To be frank, I assume all men are potential pedophiles until I know and trust them. This is a little harsh, I'm sure- but I know many "nice-seeming" men who turned out to be- many. I simply don't trust men alone with my children at all- and I talk to my children regularly about good touch/bad touch, and what they can do to avoid, prevent, stop, and report such things. I'm a little paranoid about that, but that's just me.

Back to fivesense's post and the issues at hand, though- we're all different and have all come from widely varied walks of life. These differences are what makes us look at each situation in completely different lights. Please don't automatically discount anyone's advice- just know that it might not be accurate for your situation and may not apply at this time.

Moody, waving a white flag


Powered by CGISpy.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 1:22pm
I hear you. And I do appreciate everyone's opinion and different paths. The fact is though that she insinuated that all of my posts seem to her to have a theme and jumped to that my son's recent behavior issues are due to me spending too much time with my bf. Thats almost verbatim. You are right that it is hard to know someone's situation from the posts we write so that is why statements like that annoy me because she cant possibly understand how I spend my time or the full picture of my life. Then although I do appreciate her view on not having her child in a bachelor's room unattended she immediately stated something else about how maybe my bf delighted in my son finding the innappropriate material since sometimes pedophiles seduce kids this way by introducing them to materials first and then making their move or something...kind of harsh if you ask me.
I have had some vicious things happen to me and my family in my life believe me but my decision has been to go to therapy for that, heal and move on without prejudging new people as they enter our lives. I realize there are plenty of dangerous people out there lurking or whatever but I have known my bf for a year now and he simply isnt one of them. I have never introduced anyone to my child before him as I stated before and I honestly feel good about that and my kid is lucky to know him now and vice versa.
For the record, I did not ask to have anyone's post deleted and never have. It isnt my style to censor someone.
Thanks for your post as well as your ones before it!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 2:37pm

To be honest, it was not the post itself that was bothersome to me, but her delivery of it that disturbed me.

You, moody, commented that it's difficult to gauge someone's living situation fully by a few posts on a message board - and you are absolutely right. Yet fivesense's post actually came across as someone who WAS gauging the OP's living situation fully - and stated as FACT what her problem was...in an accusatory tone (you spend too much time with your bf) and also a frightening one (that's how pedophiles start).

We all have opinions, and we're not always going to agree with each other. And on this and the other ivillage boards I belong to, I have gotten some advice I've used, some I've ignored, and some I've actually passed on to others. I'd also like to believe I help people myself.

And it's also not unusual for someone to have a particularly harsh - or abrupt - opinion - for whatever reason. Perhaps something strikes a chord for us, and we respond a little more harshly than we normally would - again, understandable.

In this particular case, I found the post to be very judgmental - and were it directed at me, I would have taken offense at it. And Moody, while I can absolutely understand your comment about not trusting ANY man alone with your children until you trust him, in this particular case, the OP DOES trust her bf and has been seeing him for a while. It wasn't a case of dropping teh child at the bf's house and finding out later that said bf had taken him into his room and SHOWN him pornography (if, in fact, a naked calendar even qualifies as pornography)...rather, the bf didn't even know about it until after the fact.

I just felt it was a little judgmental and accusing - that's all.

MR (who can come across rather abrupt and harsh herself at times)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 12:39am

Hi and welcome,

8 years old is so young. I would really be inclined to give my son the benefit of the doubt and my full support. I mean, what would he really want with a remote control? Who is to say that your son is really the one who played with it last? And a kid's attention span is so short - we don't watch a lot of TV - but it is not uncommon for a remote to go missing - like behind the couch, into the pantry, anywhere.

This whole story bothers me because of the room mate situation with porn pictures and how your bf seems to be so immature in his attitude towards dealing with a kid. Kids do a lot of annoying and inconvenient things - and it makes me sad to read that your kid is sad because of something like this. Kids need unconditional love and understanding in my opinion. I mean, my kid will always come before some remote control and the minute a bf makes him feel bad he is out the door. But that is just me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 2:45am

Just coming in on this - a bit late, & read all the posts surrounding the issue.


1st off, I want to commend you on waiting so long & being so careful about introducing your little guy to your bf. Some people, for their kids, are fine introducing early, but I am like you.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 4:19am

I lurked here a long time before posting, and I just want to say that I have always found fivesense to have no-nonsense, tough-love style advice. It can come off as harsh, but I also know that she really does have our best interests at heart, and cares a lot. I have a friend IRL who is the same. She will always tell me the truth, no holds barred, and it can be hard to hear at times. But I know that it is because she cares about me and wants the best for me. Fivesense is the same in that she wants the best for us and states it in an uncompromising manner.

One of the joys of a board like this one is that you can get so many different opinions, expressed in many different ways, but we all have one thing in common and we are all rooting for each other, in whatever form that takes.

Anyway, this is nothing to do with the original subject. How is your son doing now? Hope the remote issue has blown over.

Enjoy your weekend!

Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 7:53am
The only possibly immature thing that you could read into my bf doing was that he said " I have good news and I have bad news" which made me laugh. I was glad he found the remote and was bothered by the calendar at least at first. A is great with my kid and always has been since they met. He hesitated in bringing any of it up with me but he knows that my son is adjusting to a lot and has been testing me lately AND he really is obsessed with remote controls. It would have been horrible to know that he took something and my instincts told me he wouldnt but when they have already surprised you with defiant behavior sveral times within the month, I think you have to keep your eyes opena dn ask some questions.
I thought I made it clear but A never spoke to my son about the remote being gone beyond the two of them looking for it at the house. He came to me to alert me to his concern and asked me what we should do next. That isnt immature. Its my son and it should be my decision what to do in situations like this. So A didnt make my son feel bad. The situation and the conversation we had to have made him feel bad because he had tested me in the past few weeks by lying a few times and it was necessary to have a frank talk. Even at eight he understood that his past few weeks made me need to talk things through with him more but as I stated before, I told him consistently how much I loved him no matter what and that we just needed to solve the mystery. There was absolutely unconditional love.
for the record, as much as nudey calendars are pornographic in nature and I did use the word, they are not porn IMO. It is a calendar, not a hard core video in the room.
Honestly, if A ever made my son feel bad it would take two seconds to say goodbye in my heart and head. I wouldnt have waited this long to introduce him to someone to let him get hurt. But he has been nothing but wonderful to both of us and I dont think he did ANYTHING wrong here. It was just a nervewracking situation. I thought maybe my klid's behavior had escalated and in the end, the worst of it is that he saw a few naked women but he'll live.
So I guess we will disagree.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 8:13am
Hi. Thanks for your post. I appreciate your opinion.
I wasnt hurt by the one poster. I was offended. I would feel that way if anyone insinuated what she did about my bf but that is because I am one of his biggest fans. He is simply the best thing to happen to either my son and I in a long while and I was happy before we met but now I am glowing. My son has never navigated through the journey of seeing me love a man or knowing a grown man loves me outside of immediate family. My kid and I have been just the two of us for 7 years and he was nervous meeting him and admitted it very honestly by telling me that it had been the two of us so long he didnt know what it would feel like to be anything other than that. He doesnt remember his Dad being in the house and so it was a big change for him. I am sure both of them were nervous for different reasons but they kind of fell for one another because their sense of humor is similar and they are both very high energy. It was wonderful for me to watch. In about a year I have gone from having work, kid, love life all compartmentalized for safety to blending all of it and watching it WORK for everyone. It has been amazing.
This is the first issue surrounding my ons that A has faced and it did take him half a day to say something but I think he wasnt sure that he wouldnt find it later in the day since it might just be a remote missing. But he knows that my kid is testing a lot lately and although he hadnt tried anything on A yet it made sense to both of us that he might do something naughty just to see what A's reaction was. Well his reaction was to tell me and ask for guidance. Then I talked to my kid and he went and searched. I am glad he found it but I am also glad that my son and I had the talk that we did. I never swayed from unconditional love. I let him know that he could do anything and I would help him sort through it and work it out and that I was the person he should always talk to if he ever was in trouble. I explained to him why I was doubting him a bit but told him that it wasnt because of him as much as his behavior in the past few weeks because he thrown me a few curve balls. We had a good talk where he was sad afterwards and said so but he also knew that he had caused some of the doubt himself. I reassured him that if it was just lost we would search until we found it together if we had to obviously.
The calendar isnt porn to me either, at least not in the hard core kind of way. I really think it might have been a gag but either way my kid saw it. I have talked to him about it and he was shy but admitted he saw it and said it made him think "yuck" I dont think he is in a high girl phase right now. He asked if he was in trouble and I told him he wasnt since it was out and he is eight and naturally curious. I even told him that I did something similar when I was little and so did my brother. It all went fine and I will see the roommate today and talk to him briefly about keeping things somewhere else.
It bothers me that there are stil people who seem to think my bf did something wrong but they dont know him. I mean, something went missing that he knew my kid LOVED ( I know thats silly but the kid loves electronics of any sort) and he knew that there had been behavioral surprises so he alerted me to it. I almost wish he had told me half a day sooner but I think he was nervous about even thinking my kid could take something and it made me cringe too, believe me. But as much as we have talked about some of the acting out ( which is mainly lack of focus, not completing homework and lying about it sort of thing but totally unlike him) I am glad to know that he will talk to me if he thinks something really red flaggish could be going on. Also, he knows that I am leaving for work and travel next week for a few days so I would want to get a handle on things before I took off for sure. He has been through a lot of change lately so if there is a red flag beyond normal developmental stuff, I want to be the first to know so I can address it!
Anyhow, thanks for your post and I hope things are going well for you. I was sorry to hear about Carlos but I just know you will find someone fantastic - you truly do seem to have a great head on your shoulders!
Lilypie - Personal picture

Pages