Son and BF: they seem all too eager
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 01-09-2007 - 12:10pm |
Hi Fellow single Moms,
I am new to this message board.
I have one bright 7 year old who is going through a manipulative phase at school and around other adults, he is excellent when it is just me and him, but when there are other adults around he tries to take control through sulking and being disobedient, showing off to get attention.
I am in the early stages of an exclusive relationship a wonderful man, also my neighbor. The man is quite obvious in his care for me and my son and when he spends time, it is of excellent quality. He almost insists that my some is involved in part of the activities. For example, he will come to visit for story time and enjoys helping with the tuck in ritual, then spends the remainder of the evening with me before heading home at bed time.
In any case, when my son is a part of the scneario, call him Mike, he behaves wretchedly: pouty, obstinant, even changes his behavior to suddenly dislike foods he usually likes, suddenly demand separate bowls, pretend to eat like a dog at a nice restaurant (when it's just him and me, he sets the table adn enjoys folding the napkins just-so!), constantly trying to show off, put me down, etc.
My boyfriend has articulated that wants to be a part of the "family" equation, wants to have interaction with my son and be a male role model. Mike's father is out of the picture, dead beat, far away unfortunately. The incorparation of the BF is fine with me in a careful manner. My son is a bit of a handful on account of his will power and intelligence, and also that he hasn't had a dad around. I guess you could call homelife a metastable equilibrium. We do very well, but small changes can upset the balances easily.
i don't know what to do. Seems everyone wants to be all happy and family-like, though the relationship isn't very old. I am very comfortable taking things slowly, but the BF is persistent about having a very regular presence and my son is taking every opportunity to show what a stinker he can be when this man is around. Usually, like I said, my son is good. I KNOW he is capable of being good. I don't believe there is an issue like ADHD because he is consistently excellent when the home situation is "normal" ie w/o the BF.
the proximity of the BF makes the situation harder, too. He lives abotu 5 houses away. My son sneaks up there to say hello! all the time, the BF is always just popping in. Loves coming to story time, which geneally means that he and my son wrestleand laugh while I try to read. These two guys WANT a relationship, but it seems they can't figure it out... or I am in the way of it.
So please, any advice on how to make the adjustment smoother for all of us? I am concerned that at some point the BF will give up because of my son's behavior. I really don't want to have to wait until he's 18 to have a relationship!
Also, any suggestions on talking to the BF about his contributions, like tickling during storytime... I want this man to know that his enthusiastic desire to be a part of the family are appreciated, but that maybe they can be redirected... Please let me know also if you think I am being a control freak. A part of me just says let it all happen and that I am worrying too much.
Thanks!
Edited 1/9/2007 1:06 pm ET by ubersilly

Welcome! Please stick around, the women here have excellent advice, and would value your's, too.
My take is that while of course we worry about the people our children are spening time with, you like this guy, he likes you, and your son likes him too- just not as your boyfriend. It has nothing to do with the bf personally, your son just has to adjust to there being any other presence in your home. That will come with time, constistence, and love.
I would suggest a heart-to-heart with your bf about his role- tickling during story time is very disruptive, but maybe he could read the story on occasion?
Also, don't put up with bad behavior from your son, since allowing him to be pouty and giving in when he wants something totally out of character and obviously for your bf's benefit only reinforces his notion that things will change if you have a bf. If you wouldn't normally give him seperate bowls, don't when the bf is there. If your son sees that you'll not put up with his antics, and life isn't different simply because someone else is there, he'll either change his behavior back to normal or be hungry until he can. Simple as that. If the whining and pouting gets really bad, he can think it over in a time out, or whatever you'd normally do when the bf isn't there. I know this might sound harsh, but children learn from constistency, and as bright as he is, he knows just how to push your buttons.
Don't push too fast, in this relationship or your son's with the bf, but know that they'll form their own bond in their own time. Or not. It sounds as though they already have started, though, and maybe a step back on your part is what's needed. If you know your son is safe, happy, and all right with it, go do the dishes or something during story time.
Don't forget to do things for yourself, and with your boyfriend without your son, too! Including him is great, but the two of you need time just for you out of the house, too.
I know the others will have great advice, but please keep us posted and stick around!
Moody, not introducing the children YET, but with a plan of "attack" in mind
Powered by CGISpy.com
Hi and welcome,
I can sort of relate to what you were saying because my son would want to take the few BFs I introduced to him and make them HIS playdates for the evening.
If I was in your situation, I would try to limit the time they spend together for now. Shorter is sweeter. Just because your BF lives close by doesn't mean he can drop by on a moment's notice and spend gobs of time with you. This is not easy, though, and the boundary will have to be set delicately. Maybe something like - would you mind picking up a movie and stopping by a little later to allow me to get DS settled in? Try to control the TIME he comes over.
The second thing is that you have to talk to DS and tell him HOW to behave when BF gets there. Put it in his terms. Surely he has had playdates by now. Ask him how he would like it if you tried to steal his friend or disrupted his play time by taking all the toys and acting bad? He would NOT like that! So, you can tell him that he has to be a good boy and he gets a reward for the good behavior.
With a BF, sometimes we spend less time with our children without realizing it. Or we rush cherished routines. I mean, real life causes this too more often than not. So maybe make an effort to give him quality time with a story before BF gets there. Make chores and errands quality time - talk to him about what you are buying in the grocery store. Let him pick out special things. Stuff like that.
Another thing, most important is that you are going to have to have a sense of humor and go with the flow. Sure, tickling during story time would set me over the edge and get on my nerves. I think this is a guy/dad type of thing. Most dads LOVE to go absolutely wild at bed time or nap time and have them bouncing on the bed and tickling them and laughing. Most moms whose nerves are shot from the day with the kid do NOT like this at all! But this IS the benefit of a man in your life. Those two have the testosterone or male bonding thing we will never have. I think you have to train yourself to see the benefits and just go with the flow.
I would NOT allow a BF to really get into my son's life without a ring. Just keep that in mind. You do have to set boundaries with that.
Okay - those are my thoughts. Hope this helps a bit. Sounds like you have good problems really - just have to let all of it settle in and everyone get used to the new situation.
Good luck - I hope everyone else chimes in. And I hope that you stick around - we would love to have you here to tell us your story and to have you give us your thoughts on our threads!!
I thought I posted to this thread, but don't see my original message.
Your BF sounds too eager. That would creep me out so much if a man wanted to tickle my son during storytime or spend so much time with my son. Single moms have to make sure that their date is interested in them and not her children. You have to be extra protective.
I do not know why the BF would want to install himself into your family so soon. I would be very skeptical.
"I would NOT allow a BF to really get into my son's life without a ring. Just keep that in mind. You do have to set boundaries with that."
I totally agree! Although I think children should meet and be aware of a SO that their parent is dating, I do not think that people should act like a family until they are (or will soon be) one.
I think the perks given and the emotional investment made should always match what you are given first. Otherwise confusion and heartache ensue.
fivesense does bring up a good point that we have to make sure the date is more interested in us than our children. I would tend to be more paranoid about this with a stranger that we meet out on the streets or online. There was a TV broadcast on this subject not too long ago.
Thanks for all your suggestions and comments.
I am certain that this man is more interested in me than my son. He comes by mostly when my son is at school and relishes times when I get a baby sitter.
We live in a small town on a small neighborly street where everyone is friends with everyone else. My son, who is very out going, knows all the neighbors and is quick to stop by and say hello if they are out gardening, or sitting on their porch. As a result, I have been getting to know this man since we moved here, about 9 months ago, and it was my son's social outreach that forced me to gt to know all of the neighbors, to make certain I knew who he was visiting with... I am as certain as I ever can be that this man is not a pedophile, although I do appreciate your concern, and now I will be more wary. Thanks. My mom has mentioned that some pedophiles single out the children of single mothers. She saw it on TV (I don'thave a TV, so I hear about such things through her).
This fellow is extremely cautious about having a relationship. We dated for about 3 months before he kissed me, though I could tell it was on his mind by his body language and eye contact. He explained that he took relationships seriously and that he wanted to be certain as he could that it would work out before we became close physically. He said that touching and kissing really mean something to him and so he prefers to wait untiul he is confident about the person and the relationship.
So, I guess, it's not like we just got to know eachother and now he wants to tickle my kid. We have spent a lot of time together alone getting to know eachother as friends. As friends and neighbors, he and my son have been friends for some time now under my supervision.
I don't know if that clarifys things at all.
One thing I could mention. This man left a 15 year relationship two years ago. he told me that he isn't very good at the "dating thing" yet. I think he is in the habit of being in a comfortable stage and is gravitating toward that faster than usual.He expressed this himself. Other than mentioning that he left a long relationship 2 years ago, he never talks about his ex or their relationship and seems a happy single man, I don't get a reboundy feel to him at all. Things feel very nice. I try to make certain that three days per week we have no contact with him so that we retain a separateness for the time being. He does not spend the night, and we are never intimate when my son is in the house.
He mentioned that his mom may come to visit him this weekend. He didn't ask yet if I would like to meet her, I am half hoping he doesn't, though I would be flattered and willing if he does. Shall see... Sometimes to avouid awkard situations like this I would just preempt the anxiety and make alternative plans... I think I want to see how this plays out.
I have dated a lot of men since I had my son (and too many heart breaks, each time hoping that he's be the right one. I have a very special feeling abotu this man, and I hope I am right,he sure seems to like me. He does a lot of googly eyes, which I am not used to at all! Kind of fun. I try to do it back to him, but sometimes I have to hold back a snicker.
Edited 1/10/2007 2:44 pm ET by ubersilly
This one sounds very nice!! I like what you write about him.
Isn't it great when they live close by and you can get to know them over time.
Somehow I hope you get to meet his mom - do keep us posted, okay?
And enjoy!! I think you are on the right track!!