Son having a difficult time

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Son having a difficult time
3
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 4:32pm
Hi... I'm new here...

I'm 35. Divorced with an 8 yr old son. I have him 6 nights a week. I've been dating a man for almost 2 years. We started things very slowly... he has a child too (10) who he shares custody of. We have a total of one night alone together every other week. We definitely make the most of our 'alone' time since we get so little of it. We try to do things as a group, the 4 of us. We've had our ups and downs and have both been very patient with each other's kids. They've each reached certain points at different times. Sometimes everything is going great... other times we have to take a step back from doing anything together due to one of the kids being upset about our situation.

My son has had a much more difficult time coming to terms with my relationship than my bf's daughter has. She adores me and always seems to want me around. Which I think is great. However, my son doesn't quite feel the same about my bf. He likes him, but he feels threatened by him and thinks I pay more attentiong to my bf than I do to him. Even though that is SO not the case. We have NEVER shown affection in front of the kids and we always put the kids first. I guess I'm looking for some advice as to how to handle my son. Other than to be patient. Sometimes he's down right rude to my bf. He acts up and misbehaves at his house. And other times he's a complete angel. I have never seen him act up any other time like he does when my bf is around. I know he feels threatened and thinks I don't love him as much... he even comes right out and asks who I love more. (I ALWAYS say I love my son more.) I've been very honest with him about everything, as much as you can be with an 8 year old. He's wiser beyond his years and understands more than most 8 year olds. But I don't think that being rude to an adult is appropriate behavior, no matter who it is or what the situation. And thankfully my bf is a VERY patient and caring man.

Does anyone have advice on how to deal with a child who has been through a divorce and whose mom is seriously dating again??

Thanks!

A.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 7:43pm
Welcome to the board! Hope you'll stick around.

I don't have any experience with this per say. My 7 y.o. son had some struggles with my SO and his authority in the house, but we live together so it's a little different. but even when he acted up to my SO, he also always was very affectionate and wanted to spend time with my SO.

You say you know your son is feeling threatened and thinks you don't love him as much. Does he verbalize this to you? Have you sat down and discussed his feelings with him?

Yes an 8 year old needs to learn to respect adults no matter what but they also need to learn that feelings (no matter what they are) are okay, it's how you act on them.

It sounds that your son maybe isn't expressing his feelings in any other way except to lash out.

Also, if you're not already, I'd try to make sure that you are spending plenty of one on one time with your ds. I try to have "mom and Connor" dates or "mom and Catrice" dates at least twice a month. It doesn't always work out, but they do appreciate the one on one time.

Other than that, there's not much in the way of advice. I think you are going to have to reassure him and allow him to tell you how he's feeling. I believe if he's allowed to express his feelings but not allowed to act in a rude manner, eventually he'll come to terms with things and will appreciate that he's still #1 in your book.

Hope this helps.

Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 10:52am

Hi A,


What is the relationship like between your son and his biological father?

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 11:32am

Although I haven't been through a divorce and am now married, my 10 yo DS is going through some of the same. My DH is adopting ds, they are very close, ds calls him "dad" and my DH ALWAYS refers to my 10 yo as his son.


Things were great until very recently. The last couple of months, Ty seems to suddenly feel threatened by my DH. He has mentioned several times (as

Becky