spending the night??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2004
spending the night??
8
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 7:48pm

What do you guys think about having your boyfriend sleep over when you have kids? I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 7 months and it's going pretty well. I'm wondering what other people think about this subject. My kids are 8 & 6 and have their own bedrooms. I was thinking that at some point they need to understand that mom has to have a life of her own too. I haven't discussed it with him either yet. I wanted to get opinions, or been there done that type stories first!

Thanks!
dremer

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 8:26pm

I think if it's a long term boyfriend, as your seems to be, and you think your kids can understand and deal with it, as long as they know ahead of time, you could work it in. Have the met your boyfriend, and has he been doing thing with all of you?

I personally wouldn't bring him home when they're asleep for the first time and then have them wake up to find a stranger in the house, but if they know him, it might not be such a bad thing.

I have only had one guy spend the night, and he ended up living with us, so it wasn't like a one night thing.

How does your boyfriend deal with your kids, and how would he feel about spending the night?

For me, I would be more comfortable with a man spending the night when my kids weren't home, but I've had a bad experience, and that's just my own personal hangup.

Good luck, and let us know what you decide and how it goes!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 12:10am

Hi Dremer,


Welcome to the board.


It's always harder when kids are involved, isn't it?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 6:29am

Well Ive been with my boyfriend for 9 months now. He has 2 children aged 7 and 3 and I don't have any.

He has his kids stay over every Wednesday night and every other weekend from Friday to Monday. I only met the children in January and have gradually built up a relationship with them as daddy's friend. For the last month I have stayed over occasionally, not every time he has them but just every now and then. We started doing this because I would go round of an evening and they would specifically ask me to sleep the night. They sleep in their room, he sleeps with me (we both wear pyjamas when we do this) and they have no worries about coming in to see us in the morning. His daughter was a bit shocked at first but has accepted the situation and his little boy hasnt batted an eyelid and in fact wants daddy to sleep with his sister so he can sleep with me.

I also know that mummy has her friend stay over as well so the kids are totally used to seeing their parents with different people and this obviously makes things easier all round.

As long as they have interacted with your boyfriend already and all seem to get along, just say that the following night or something, you would like him to stay for the night. Dont exactly ask for their permission as you are the adult here but just let them know that their opinion counts as well and you aren't lying to them.

Then maybe have a fun evening together playing games or something and put them to bed and read a story or something so they still have that alone time with mum before joining your boyfriend again downstairs.

It is a very scary thing to do, something I was probably more worried about than my partner but we have been very lucky. The children have been very accepting and I am even babysitting them this weekend so daddy can go out with his friends for the night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 9:28am

There is NO way I would have my boyfriend spend the night with my kids at the house. Yes, we need to have our own life, but that doesn't mean we have free rein to do whatever we want in front of our kids.

Also, what will you do when your kids want to have their boyfriend or girlfriend over to spend the night when they get older? It opens up a whole can of worms when you expose them to that. My Mom continually had different men spending the night when I was a teenager. I hated it and it made me feel very weird.

I know everybody has different standards and morals. I also realize that it isn't a big deal anymore in our society to have someone of the opposite sex spend the night. But, I have never had a problem going against popular opinion!
Stephanie




Edited 4/11/2006 9:39 am ET by texas_mom1991
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 6:02pm

I've done it, with my x-bf and my current bf.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 10:12pm

Stephanie,


There's nothing wrong with going against "popular opinion" LOL!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 5:13am

This is the exact answer I was going to post.

I think it is okay SOMETIMES but the kids should never see you sleep together - you have to be discreet. Whenever I have done this, my bf has left before my son woke up.

I have a few reasons:

1) The children of single parents have a strain on their lives that other children don't. It is hard for them not to have the dream of their parents living together. They see the kids that have this and they do feel a loss. If the other parent is in their lives, they have to deal with the back and forth of visitation and the arguments and distaste that you have for the other parent - sure - you might be civil - but you know that there are rough spots. The kids see this. SO - we have to keep everything as smooth as possible and put them first even though this is inconvenient for us.

My son is going through this right now with his dad. Dad has a new gf - and if you ask me - he has gone tmtfts - they involved the kids right away. exh travels all the time so his time with ds was like gold - and ds is having to give that up - which to me is not wise - not only that - but ds has to babysit the other person's child instead of getting alone time with dad. DS was crushed when he got up in the morning with the other kid (they were left alone to stay up and play video games all night and it took 2 nights for ds to catch up on sleep) and they saw that the bed in the guest room was empty and that both parents were sleeping in an unlocked room. You would think they at least would lock the door. I have to give the boys credit - they got their nerf guns and shot their parents and scared the he!! out of them. Imagine waking up to that!! But really - you have to be careful - kids are smart and after watching DS go through this I know I would be more cautious.

2) The kids are a blessing to keep things slow. I don't feel that it is in a woman's benefit to be playing house to a man. I believe it is important to clarify and set boundaries and not assume anything, especially if you are older. I am sorry if I insult someone who is already doing this - and I am not a prude - had sex at an early age and have lived with men. The dating climate has changed and I believe that a woman has to look out for herself if she wants to end up married to the right person.

3)Inconvenience is a good thing - if you are living as you are married, what is the incentive to get married?

4)Like Jennie says, I would be uncomfortable for my child to see me sleeping together with someone when I am not married. I would want to feel like I have set an example to do the right thing and make a good decision.

Again, there are gray areas - what if you are both younger and it is convenient to live together and you know the guy is into you and wants to marry you - then this is more okay because you are dealing with a guy that has no baggage and a young heart. You have to make the decision that is right for yourself. You see, I am older and well established with a nice house. I have worked hard to put my son through private school and have had a few bumps along dating-after-marriage road. So I would be more inclined to set firm boundaries and not make it easy for someone to take advantage of me. But when I was younger and had less "things" I would have been more liberal. Each person has to decide this for themselves.

It is good to see a variety of opinions here because everyone can relate to different experiences.

No matter your decision, we are always here for you. Hope this helps!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 10:40am
I am right there with you on every point you made. My kids have been through enough. I do everything in my power to make sure I provide a stable home environment for them. I didn't get that as a child and I know the consequences that result.
Stephanie