The Sperm Donor

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
The Sperm Donor
25
Fri, 09-21-2007 - 11:27am

So... Last night, I was having a drink with my business partner going over some new business ideas when I get a text message from my 14 year old DD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: mnmoon70
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 2:30pm

Sounds like my ex- not enough income to attach, not the gigilo part LOL!


It just amazes me though, because he was SOOOO into being a dad, was great with him, and then I get this.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mnmoon70
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 1:54am

He's what we called at work .. the seagull method of management but you can substitute the seagull method of parenting.... they fly in, poops on you, and flies away.

So hard with kids and especially with them going thru puberty. Hard enough with a "normal" family much less a divorced one with a father who is like that.

HUGGGGS
Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
In reply to: mnmoon70
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 8:57am

Thanks, Mark.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
In reply to: mnmoon70
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 9:00am

You are right on the visitation schedule.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: mnmoon70
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 10:18am

The other thing you might do is ask him when he would like to see them - and request that he gives you some notice.

In our case, exh travels all the time so we essentially rewrite it every week. He does the best he can and sees him when he can and is a good dad so I don't mind. He puts up his travel schedule on an online calendar so we are always abreast of what is going on - that works for us.

Maybe you can come up with something creative that is good for everyone? One of the important things is that you have to make him realize that the girls need to have the stability and organization - because there schedules are busy and a lot of people are impacted. It is NOT something he does just to please you or make it easy on you - because for some reason they all hate that idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
In reply to: mnmoon70
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 3:30pm

Visitation UGH! Maybe I've been wrong in doing so, but I've always let my daughter decide when she wants to go with her dad. I also let him know from the get go that I would not make her go. Their relationship is between those two. If it has been a while since she has seen him, I'll remind her of it, or that "planting/harvest time is coming...better see him while you can." I remind him also that as she's growing up (early teens through high school) the only time she's going to want to be with either of us is when she needs to sleep, eat or take a shower! Even though she and I spend time doing things together and I'm there to guide her so to speak, she has her own social life and she certainly doesn't want mom or dad hanging around embarassing her! LOL.

Emma-mother to a 14 yr. old and never felt so stupid in all of her life. Kids are a trip!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
In reply to: mnmoon70
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 4:08pm

Don't get me wrong - I would NEVER make either of my girls go when they didn't want to, but perhaps I should come up with some sort of 'schedule' so that they would know when he was expected to get them for dinner or do something on the weekends instead of him just calling or dropping by at the last minute and then getting mad and hurt when they already have plans and would rather be with their friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
In reply to: mnmoon70
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 4:29pm
Sorry, I assumed the scheduling part but just didn't mention it. We started out with a schedule and it worked fairly well, but most of the time it still came down to whether or not HE had TIME for her when it was his time, so I never counted on her going with him too much. He always would come up with the "I'm working" which I know for a fact was a bunch of hooey. He's a very self-centered person. I've always known how he is but bless her heart she's had to learn on her own how her dad is and over the years, she has definitely learned.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
In reply to: mnmoon70
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 4:56pm

Sounds like we may have been married to the same guy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: mnmoon70
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 5:11pm

I think you are right about a lot of people with regards to parenting. Parenting is NOT easy. It is probably the most selfless volunteer projects we will ever do. It is 24/7 forever.

It means screaming and crying and constant interruptions when they are infants/babies. It is endless mess and chaos and constant watching them and chasing them when they are toddlers. It is prodding and getting them to carry themselves, be independent and self-disciplined when they are in middle school and don't feel like doing any of that. And I don't know what else is to come when they are teenagers because DS is 11 - perhaps you said it best with the "buy me, give me, take me, drive me" - and that doesn't sound like fun!!

I watch a lot of parents do a super job and a lot of them become slackers. I think it is more tempting for a noncustodial parent to become a slacker because it is easy for them to do so. And not everyone is sane enough of mind to cater to a little person - look at many of the ex's here who do not have the mental health or sobriety to cope with their own lives never mind a relationship or children. It is sad.

I think the only thing we can do in the case of a "sperm donor" is to be the bedrock our children need - to let them know it is NOT their fault the other parent is not there 100% - but we are always here. And the other parent does the best that they can for whatever reason and that you have to appreciate what they do actually do. All you have to do is read this board to know it CAN be worse!!