St. Pat's was fun - my report

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
St. Pat's was fun - my report
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Fri, 03-18-2005 - 7:51am

I had fun going out for St. Patty's Day. And thought of you guys!! I met two single guys who were friends of a friend - they had all gone out with their office.

One of them was a total toad - he is 43, was married 7 years and has only been divorced a year. He has had more you-know-what than a toilet seat and didn't see a problem to say that upon first meeting me. Then he went on to say that he just wants to date and sleep with all sorts of women - that men are not meant to be monogamous and it is a horrible thought to be stuck with one woman for sex for your whole life!!

He is dating one woman now who is a single mom but says she is on the way out because she smokes and won't quit. He says the trouble with single moms is that they want him to meet their kids right away and have an instant family and then they go too fast and want to live together and be married right away. He also says he will only date very good looking women from age 24 to 38.

He thought I would hate him for saying all that - and while I am not attracted to him romantically I reassured him that I do not "hate him" or judge him - but I sure learned a lot about what rattles around in a guys head. We actually had an interesting conversation. I think he is not really over his divorce and is having a midlife (complete with Harley) crisis.

The next guy I met was nice - very interested in me and asked me a lot of questions about me. An example of how it should be. But don't get excited reading that. I am not at all attracted to him. And he has 5 kids and looks very old. He is also into motorcycles and I don't like them AT ALL.

I did have fun getting dressed up and going out. And I am proud of my skills to realize that not all men want a relationship or are in the same emotional boat - and to be able to ferret that info out rather quickly.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 8:16am

I thought I should expand on how I ferreted out that info from the first one. He made a comment about how a guy at the table was younger and the lady he was with was older and we got into a whole discussion on his "Daveisms" about women. He just started saying all of this stuff. And I encouraged him for more.

Some of his Daveisms include:
- the woman doesn't have to be bone thin but she has to have a nice figure and a beautiful face for him to be attracted to her
- men are always visual first - they have to be visually attracted to you
- but something can trigger them not to like you - like tatoos, body piercings, smoking, too clingy, etc.
- a woman who has been mean/crabby more than 3 times is out right away
- and he said that he is amazed at how woman can't seperate sex from emotion - he can have sex just for the physical release and not fall in love but all women he has dated cannot handle that at all

It was amazing what he told me. His story about his wife and divorce was interesting. He said that he had always wanted one child - and they agreed on it - but then she never wanted to have one and she got into Buddhaism and witch craft. They seperated - and then he tried really hard to try to be in love with her and tried counseling - but then she got a tatoo and nose ring against his wishes during this time and he felt that was her way of saying she didn't respect him anymore. So now they are divorced but are friends. I did like that he respects her and treats her well and helps her financially now.

I don't think he is a bad guy - but I don't think he has had enough flings to want to settle down. And he is too into himself.

I feel so enlightened. Why didn't I learn all of this about men in my 20s?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 8:33am

Isn't it funny how lopsided someone's point of view can be? The toad thinks it is perfectly natural and ok for him to be a jerk, to screw around and tell people that's what he's going to do. Then he thinks he has the right to judge the mom he's screwing around with for smoking? Ignoring his own vices seems pretty easy for him. I wonder if things will look different to him in 30 years, when he's decrepit and need someone to feed him and can't get it up?


And I've found too, the guys that aren't "interesting" physically are often much nicer and more interested in talking and finding out about you. Are they really nice guys? Or have they just realized that they don't have the looks to snag a woman and they have to do the "nice guy" thing?


I think there aren't many guys that I WANT to know what's going on in their heads. Like the toad? I'd rather not be close to his warts.


I don't know what he has more than a toilet seat. Must be a saying I'm not familiar with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 8:39am

>>>Isn't it funny how lopsided someone's point of view can be? The toad thinks it is perfectly natural and ok for him to be a jerk, to screw around and tell people that's what he's going to do. Then he thinks he has the right to judge the mom he's screwing around with for smoking?<<<

Wow, you and I have a totally different take on this. I think this guy is just being honest. What makes him a jerk? Everyone has the right to think and be whatever they want. He doesn't have to keep dating someone who smokes if he doesn't want to, maybe she indicated in the beginning she was going to quit and now he's noticed that doesn't seem to be true. I didn't get the impression he was judging her, he just didn't want to continue dating someone who would always be a smoker. There isn't anything wrong with that. The fact he can have sex and not get emotionally involved is just a fact, it doesn't make him a bad person.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 8:40am

"Had more A$$ than a toilet seat."

The funny thing is that my friend text messaged that to her sister who was babysitting for me - we always all three keep each other posted via text messages - and it came out crazy in the spanish translation.

You have an interesting comment about the nicer guys - maybe you are right? Although I do think there is more of an aggressive/adventure gene going on there with the toad. I know I have to somehow temper that desire - I do have a big adventure gene. I want someone adventurous - who likes the outdoors, hiking, a little travel - but who wants to be settled down.

I think I used to be really naive that I thought all guys would want a relationship - now I know better and to find out first. No more radical free dives for me!!

The older one was nicer - but not at all attractive. I don't have to have Mr. Universe - but he can't look like he is an old truck driver, either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 8:44am

I think you are right, First, he does have the right to be turned off by a smoker. I think she did say she would quit or something.

But at the same time he is very lopsided. He wants the perfect woman - but he does not have an intention of being the perfect man for her.

Oh - and I just remembered one more Daveism - he doesn't understand why the single moms don't want him to date anyone else when he is with them - he likes to date several woman.

He also thinks the world's problems would be solved if a man could have a harem - he says that women outlive men and outnumber men and men love having a lot of women - so why not?

Maybe he needs to move to the MiddleEAST?? hah!!

It is fun to learn all of this - I felt priveleged. I just let him rip.

But one thing I did NOT do was allow him to tell me filty jokes. He asked if I wanted to hear one and I said NO. Not that I am a pansy in this case - I worked in an all-man environment in the kitchen for 20 years and could probably tell him more than he could tell me - but I wanted him to respect me. I might not have done this before but I do realize you have to set boundaries with a man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 8:45am

I guess we do have different takes on it. That's what keeps it interesting.


My take


If you date a smoker, have sex with them...don't diss them for it. You accept people for what they are or you leave them alone. So, yeah, if he is ok with sex with her even though he doesn't want to be with a smoker, I think that's jerky.


If you want to have sex with lots and lots of women while knowing they get involved emotionally and you DON'T, I think that's irresponsible and maybe uncaring,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 8:53am

I suspect more men have the ability to "not get emotionally involved" than we think. I think for men getting emotionally involved is a choice, for women it is more likely to happen to us if we get sexually involved, whether we want to hold our hearts back or not. The experience I had with my bf was that I tried to not get emotionally and I succeeded for a couple months, but then it was just a losing battle. My bf has been able to hold back a little more because he has that capacity. I just don't.

He said that she didn't seem to be willing to quit, which made me think at one point he though she would be. I personally would never date a smoker, becuase I know how hard it is to quit. I can see someone being willing to date a smoker *if* they were attempting or planning to quit.

I do agree that it is jerky to be involved with lots of women and have them all be falling for you. But if the guy is honest upfront and says to them he does not want to be exclusive and he does plan to date more than just them, and the women agree to it, then it's their own fault if they get emotionally involved because they set themselves up for that. Some women can handle it and not get emotionally involved, and women need to understand themselves and only agree to situations/relationships that have a chance at being what they want. If he's being honest with these women, then I don't think he's a jerk. I may not like him or what he stands for, but it's his choice to be that way and if he can find women that want the same things he does, good for him. If he's not being honest and upfront, then he is definitely a jerk.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 8:56am

I agree, Candi, but men don't think that way - they are very short-term thinkers especially when it comes to sex. I reason it to be like a kid in a candy shop. It is an urge that wants to get satisfied.

"Not all men don't get involved emotionally, either, and that's enough reason for me to not get involved with someone. To me the flip side of that would be dating someone nice when you aren't really interested in something more long range. Like the "nice guys" that want a relationship, and they would treat you well and take you out, buy you flowers. THAT would be nice, I would like it. But I don't lead them on because I don't want to hurt anyone, regardless of the fact that it would be pleasant for me."

I think you do live by the golden rule. I would also do the same.

I am really looking for someone to fall in love with me and vice versa. No more flings or wasting time with Mr. Inthemeantime - I did that for too long before I married - dating and relationships were not my focus and I didn't have a clue back then. But I have a clue now. And I have faith.

I did have on a fun outfit last night - found this nylon green tank top that was flattering with a pair of low-rise Hollister jeans and boots. Felt young again - had fun going out and text messaging our sitter. I think you have to have fun. And talk and learn. I think I would even feel comfortable now chatting up guys in a nice club near here. So hopefully I will have more stories for you guys.

We did meet this nice young lawyer in a bar last weekend. He had been playing beach volleyball and was there by himself. He asked us a lot of questions about what we do. And he followed us a bit. But he was more for my friend since she is younger - which is great because she was amused. We learned that if you stand in the middle you are more approachable - and I also saw this tip on Dr. Phil.

I am also entered in a 5K this weekend that is popular with all of the runners. So I will have my eyes open. It is a fun social thing - although I have done more races than I could count and have never met anyone that way - so don't get your hopes up!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 9:03am

I really think you are really right about men not getting emotionally involved if they don't want to be or don't feel that attraction and act "that into you" - they don't have a need to get attached or fall in love as we do.

I now know this is why you have to really wait for sex - or you will get too attached and then either blow it or feel burned when they move on. I have read that when women have sex they have a hormone excreted called oxytocin and this makes them very attached from that experience.

He did make the comment that it is very hard to find a woman who doesn't smoke. Maybe it is because he meets them in clubs?

I agree that I would never date a smoker, either.

I think he would be honest about his dating habits if they asked him.

This is all such a lesson.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 9:13am

That's good that you had fun. I had laugh over the 43-yr-old toad. He sounds like a miserable guy with lots of insecurities. I think you're right about him not being over his marriage. He's probably getting the boot from his current girlfriend, but making it sound like it's his idea.

The other guy was probably really nice because he does have 5 kids and looks old. He knows he's not going to get anywhere by acting like a jerk.

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