St. Pat's was fun - my report
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| Fri, 03-18-2005 - 7:51am |
I had fun going out for St. Patty's Day. And thought of you guys!! I met two single guys who were friends of a friend - they had all gone out with their office.
One of them was a total toad - he is 43, was married 7 years and has only been divorced a year. He has had more you-know-what than a toilet seat and didn't see a problem to say that upon first meeting me. Then he went on to say that he just wants to date and sleep with all sorts of women - that men are not meant to be monogamous and it is a horrible thought to be stuck with one woman for sex for your whole life!!
He is dating one woman now who is a single mom but says she is on the way out because she smokes and won't quit. He says the trouble with single moms is that they want him to meet their kids right away and have an instant family and then they go too fast and want to live together and be married right away. He also says he will only date very good looking women from age 24 to 38.
He thought I would hate him for saying all that - and while I am not attracted to him romantically I reassured him that I do not "hate him" or judge him - but I sure learned a lot about what rattles around in a guys head. We actually had an interesting conversation. I think he is not really over his divorce and is having a midlife (complete with Harley) crisis.
The next guy I met was nice - very interested in me and asked me a lot of questions about me. An example of how it should be. But don't get excited reading that. I am not at all attracted to him. And he has 5 kids and looks very old. He is also into motorcycles and I don't like them AT ALL.
I did have fun getting dressed up and going out. And I am proud of my skills to realize that not all men want a relationship or are in the same emotional boat - and to be able to ferret that info out rather quickly.

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Eh, I think a jerk's a jerk. An honest jerk isn't less of a jerk. It just means he isn't a liar on top of it. LOL
We got rid of the guy with 5 kids by saying we were off to another place that has about 20 bars and is really wild. He says, 'oh no - I have to work 12-15 hours tomorrow.'
We didn't go there because it is raining - but we did go to a new casino complex that has fun bars with great bands and then we ate at the Hard Rock Cafe.
Now I am very tired - I had to get up early to take my son to school. I am not hungover because I didn't drink that much.
I agree.
Bad behavior makes you a jerk, honest or not.
That reminds me of my ex who was rude to people and proud of it. Being honest about it didn't make him less of a jerk.
Oxytocin is the same thing that's released when a mom nurses a baby. A doctor once told me it makes you attached and is one of the reasons we don't usually kill our own young. LOL...
You can call him a jerk. But in reality he is just a man who is burned out emotionally from his divorce and feeling his freedom and sowing his seeds. And I think he is learning about women and just as amazed at the differences as I was/am.
Men can have sex whenever they want it and especially if they are good looking and have learned this skill. And we have to realize that not all men want a relationship or are ready for one or want to have it with us. It is our responsibility to ferret this info out and discern who we have sex with and spend time with.
Further, since men don't think that it is wrong to just have sex with someone to satisfy their physical needs, they think we feel the same way as them; we have to be the "gate keepers" so to speak.
I am not saying that is fair - but it is the way it is.
I think that if a man comes on strong sexually in the beginning that is a red flag if you want a relationship/commitment.
There was a big difference in the way those two treated me and that taught me a lesson.
Edited to add: Judy, this wasn't supposed to be to you! Oops. ;) It was supposed to be to "ALL" on the thread, as my two cents, but I forgot to change the name.
Ok, burned out I can see. The thing is, and I'm sure he wouldn't see it this way, that I think he's doing the same kind of thing that some women do by jumping into a relationship right away instead of learning about themselves. I think surely it would be more healthy emotionally for him to find a goal for himself other than "sleeping with lots and lots of women" or "having a harem"...I think he's filling a void in himself with sex. And I don't think that works any better than filling
I don't get why it's bad behavior. Says who? Us? Society? Just because someone says it's bad, it's bad? Should this guy have to live by what we think? Why? He's not breaking any laws. He has his idea's about how he wants his life to be, just like I have mine. I don't want him (or anyone) to dictate whether having steady relationships or group dating is right or wrong for me, and I don't want to dictate to other people what their goals should be and how they should live.
>>>Men know the women are more easily connected when they have sex, and therefore should not take advantage of that.<<<
So say there is a man out there who is not interested in marriage, does not want to be exclusive, but he's not a hermit either, he does enjoy the company of others, getting to know new people, dating, etc. He makes sure to tell women he could potentially date exactly what he wants and what he doesn't want. Is he then supposed to say, well, even though you say you don't want committment either, just companionship for now (and sex), you are a women so I can't trust you will not get emotionally attached and so I'll have to be the bigger person and make the decision for both of us and not go out with you. And then just because he doesn't want committment, he's supposed to live a celebate life?
I think it's fine for you to think that kind of guy is a creep, you don't have to like him or agree with how he thinks. But my way and your way aren't the only ways to live a long, happy life.
OH! And did you ever get my email? I am not sure if it was helpful in any way, but I want to know if it went through.
Edited 3/18/2005 11:16 am ET ET by firstamendment
I JUST got finished emailing you back... twice. ;)
It was a good start and it spurred me on to find some more info and I FINALLY found a reasonable answer to what I was looking for.
And doing this reasearch gave me renewed apprecaition for what you are currently suffering at such a young age (you are not over 30, right? I am thinking that for some reason). Hugs to you. It sucks, but you're a trooper for sure.
In discussing this whole thing with my parents recently, I am just now realizing how much discomfort and frustration I went through as a child. I was in my late elementary years. And I've seriously forgotten/blocked out whole parts of my treatment and therapy. My parents were telling me things that I thought SURELY I'd have remembered. Actually a bit of a revelation. I can piece together more of why I often (ok, always) felt so different inadequate and incapable as a young person to do anything or be like anyone. This diagnosis must've hit me at a VERY critical point in my self esteem building. It really stopped me from doing alot of things that I look back now and go "Why didn't I do SUCH and SUCH???? I wish I would have!" Now I know. It set me up for a very different life socially than I am now beginning to enjoy. And you know, I now feel MUCH happier with myself. Interesting...
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