St. Pat's was fun - my report
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| Fri, 03-18-2005 - 7:51am |
I had fun going out for St. Patty's Day. And thought of you guys!! I met two single guys who were friends of a friend - they had all gone out with their office.
One of them was a total toad - he is 43, was married 7 years and has only been divorced a year. He has had more you-know-what than a toilet seat and didn't see a problem to say that upon first meeting me. Then he went on to say that he just wants to date and sleep with all sorts of women - that men are not meant to be monogamous and it is a horrible thought to be stuck with one woman for sex for your whole life!!
He is dating one woman now who is a single mom but says she is on the way out because she smokes and won't quit. He says the trouble with single moms is that they want him to meet their kids right away and have an instant family and then they go too fast and want to live together and be married right away. He also says he will only date very good looking women from age 24 to 38.
He thought I would hate him for saying all that - and while I am not attracted to him romantically I reassured him that I do not "hate him" or judge him - but I sure learned a lot about what rattles around in a guys head. We actually had an interesting conversation. I think he is not really over his divorce and is having a midlife (complete with Harley) crisis.
The next guy I met was nice - very interested in me and asked me a lot of questions about me. An example of how it should be. But don't get excited reading that. I am not at all attracted to him. And he has 5 kids and looks very old. He is also into motorcycles and I don't like them AT ALL.
I did have fun getting dressed up and going out. And I am proud of my skills to realize that not all men want a relationship or are in the same emotional boat - and to be able to ferret that info out rather quickly.

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"Now that I know some men who are spiritual and DO look inside and DO deal with themselves and others from an honorable viewpoint, I see a big difference."
This is very profound, Candi, very wise - and I will remember that.
I think that a guy who has had more a$$ than a toilet seat is trouble. Now I remember how we started this - he asked me if I was a certain religion. And then he said that women of this certain religion have great body's and give great head. That also started the history of his capers. But I don't think that is being spiritual! :-) LOL!!
Geez - I am so glad I posted this story - it helps to have you guys discuss it with me. I was putting it together in my head as we were driving home - couldn't wait to talk to you guys!!
I'm 34. I was 32 when I was diagnosed. My mom was 35, I think, or around there.
The mind is a very interesting thing. My mind blocked out some very important moments after my father's suicide when I was 11. I refused to admit it was suicide, and when someone said the word, I would just block out the whole conversation or all I would hear was "death" instead of suicide. It was very interesting when I finally admitted it at age 18 (and began the anger stage of the grieving process). I asked my younger sister if maybe she thought his death was on purpose, and she said "Hello? Where have you been? Everyone knows it was suicide, nobody has ever said different." I was shocked (my sister was equally shocked I thought it was an accident). I always believed that since he didn't leave a note, and he would have said goodbye to me because he loved me, that it had to be an accident (he sat in the closed garage with the car running). I had many conversations with my mom after that about events in the years after his death, and so many things I had just blocked out, and when we dug a little deeper, it was always sometime when his "suicide" was being discussed that I had blocked out. I also stopped growing for 3 years. From 6th grade to 9th grade I didn't grow one inch. The doctor said it was because I was spending so much energy dealing with my father's suicide (mom heard suicide, I heard death), that I had no energy left to grow. I was already the shortest person in the 6th grade, so you can just imagine what I looked like in the 9th grade. People who didn't know me thought I was smart and had skipped a couple grades. You should have seen me trying to convince my mom that 2 year old summer clothes no longer fit, even though they clearly did fit, lol.
Your body and mind can do amazing things in order to protect you :) You mind probably blocked out how hard it was because you just couldn't cope with it at the time. It's good you are talking to your parents and putting the puzzle pieces together.
Edited 3/18/2005 11:46 am ET ET by firstamendment
I find it amazing that you heard "death" when people said "suicide". I have heard of people who did that before, but always wondered how it was possible.
Of course, I always thought I remembered everything about my childhood and life in general too. But I guess if you've forgotten or "blocked out" something, how would you know? You would assume
Of course no one has to live by anyone else's standards. I have a right to mine and to make my call on what is wrong, however.
Thinking of women as A$$, definitely wrong. Objectifying any human being according to their job, their skin color, their gender, or what kind of head they give. Yep, wrong. It's the attitude that leads to the justification of things like abuse,
The question of responsibility is an interesting one. My marriage ended in divorce, are my ex and I each 1/2 responsible for that? I don't think it matters who's responsible for it. It's not something I ever thought of, but my guess is we are both 100% responsible for the outcome. If my ex doesn't want to take any responsibility for the outcome and say it's all my fault, I'd say fine whatever, I could care less. If someone wants to devieve me and lead me on to get me to bed, but without making any promises or following through on anything I expected him to follow through on, I wouldn't blame that person. I might be mad or upset that I didn't get what I was hoping for, but I went in knowing there was a risk and I took the risk willingly. I do value honesty. If someone said to me "I'd like to have sex with you and no strings attached" I'd appreciate their ability to be upfront and I'd make my own decision to proceed or not based on that information. How much he is responsible or I am responsible doesn't really matter. An outcome is an outcome and you have to deal with it whether it was your fault or not.
>>>If we're saying "men want sex without responsibility"...yep I think that's wrong.<<<
I don't think we can or should say this. Nothing is true for all men or all women. And whether a man wants sex without responsibility is pointless, sex does come with responsibility. That responsibility kicks in if a baby is created, and that is a legal responsibility that is hard to escape. I am not sure what kind of responsibility a man should have to the woman if they have sex. What kind of responsibility do you think he should have?
If you believe in God, or karma, or just "what goes around comes around", I think everyone in every situation in life is responsible to not do harm, mental or physical, to another person.
I think if you treat people like they are "stuff" for you to use, you will pay for it at some point. Sometimes it's when you realize what you've done and feel like dirt. Sometimes it comes back at you from someone else.
I'm thinking about the people who have "harmed" me in my life. Probably the biggest harm came from my father. He was not the father I needed him to be. It's not his fault and it could not be helped. It could have been prevented had my mother not married my father, but then I wouldn't exist, right? Was it his responsibility not to harm me? Possibly. I have no idea how he would have accomplished that though. It would have been an impossible thing for him to be responsible for. He didn't have that ability in him. Do I think he got what's coming to him? No. Might he have the opportunity to do it better in another life? I'd like to think so, but I don't know for sure.
The next person was my first love. Oh boy did he hurt me. It was the kind of hurt that affected my relationships for the next 15 years. It hurt just as bad as when my father died, although the recovery period was shorter. Do I blame him or think he is responsible for my pain? I'm not sure. He did cause my pain. Could he have prevented it? Well, he could have broken up with me in a nicer way, that would have minimized it some. But what was he supposed to do, never break up with me and never hurt me because that would bring him bad karma down the road? No, that is not possible. I wasn't the right person for him which means he was not the right person for me and I had to go through that pain.
The next person was the boyfriend I moved to California with. He ran up my credit cards $20k and completely used me for that. He was a con artist. I worked 2 jobs for years to pay the debts off and I sued him. He filed bankruptcy the month I was to get my day in court, which automatically discharged my claim and I never saw a penny. I do imagine he will (or has) got what's coming to him. But that doesn't matter to me. He has to live with himself and that is enough punishment. My reward was that I got away from him.
My own immune system causes me great mental and physical pain. There is nobody to blame for that. It's genetics and the environment. I wish I had done a few things differently and maybe I wouldn't have had that overly stressed/illness period that brought on my disease, but I can't live my life thinking what could have been.
If my bf moves that will cause me great pain. But he has to do what his right for him and his son - I am not his first priority, nor should I be.
I think the pain I have experienced in my life has taught me great lessons and made me much stronger. It's the really hard experiences that made me who I am. Some of those experiences do come from people harming me and not looking out for me. That is okay. That is part of life. Sometimes what is best for one person is going to harm another person, and you have to accept that will happen even when people have good intentions. All I care about is what I am responsible for, and that is myself and my daughter. No matter what anyone else does around me or to me, that does not lesson my ownership of my life. It's not other's responsibility to not harm me, that is an unrealistic expectation in my mind. It's my responsibility to protect myself and life my life and do the best I can regardless of what others do.
I know there are instances where someone "uses" someone. But you can't be used if you don't allow yourself to be used. And just because someone wants only short-term relationships does not mean the are using people as long as it is consentual and both parties know what they are getting into.
I think this is a very interesting discussion and I'm looking forward to more of your thoughts.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
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