St. Pat's was fun - my report
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| Fri, 03-18-2005 - 7:51am |
I had fun going out for St. Patty's Day. And thought of you guys!! I met two single guys who were friends of a friend - they had all gone out with their office.
One of them was a total toad - he is 43, was married 7 years and has only been divorced a year. He has had more you-know-what than a toilet seat and didn't see a problem to say that upon first meeting me. Then he went on to say that he just wants to date and sleep with all sorts of women - that men are not meant to be monogamous and it is a horrible thought to be stuck with one woman for sex for your whole life!!
He is dating one woman now who is a single mom but says she is on the way out because she smokes and won't quit. He says the trouble with single moms is that they want him to meet their kids right away and have an instant family and then they go too fast and want to live together and be married right away. He also says he will only date very good looking women from age 24 to 38.
He thought I would hate him for saying all that - and while I am not attracted to him romantically I reassured him that I do not "hate him" or judge him - but I sure learned a lot about what rattles around in a guys head. We actually had an interesting conversation. I think he is not really over his divorce and is having a midlife (complete with Harley) crisis.
The next guy I met was nice - very interested in me and asked me a lot of questions about me. An example of how it should be. But don't get excited reading that. I am not at all attracted to him. And he has 5 kids and looks very old. He is also into motorcycles and I don't like them AT ALL.
I did have fun getting dressed up and going out. And I am proud of my skills to realize that not all men want a relationship or are in the same emotional boat - and to be able to ferret that info out rather quickly.

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It IS interesting. And I'm not really approaching this with any thoughts of "who has hurt me"...Life happens, people don't think, they do things that hurt other people.
You said - I know there are instances where someone "uses" someone. But you can't be used if you don't allow yourself to be used. I guess then in those instances your allowing yourself to be hurt is your half of the responsibility?
I'm looking at it more from my own perspective of how I want to live my life. It's a rule I try to hold myself to, because the only one you can try to control is yourself. So this only works through self enforcement, ya know?
I do look at what other people do and judge it by my own standard if it's someone who wants to be involved with me or a friend, etc. If the toad said to me "I've had lots of a**, want to be added to my a** collection?" Well, NO doubt my answer would be no. And if a friend said "should I be part of the collection?" As a good friend I would definitely say NO, don't GO there. I guarantee the toad has hurt people, maybe children of single moms who were discouraged when they found out they meant nothing to him. So the fact that he was hurt in his marriage is not an excuse to turn around and hurt others. He can use it as one...but it doesn't fly. If YOU didn't like being hurt, don't hurt anyone else. Being hurt does NOT give you permission to do whatever makes you feel good.
Hurt usually traces back generations. The thing is, just ONE person in that line could have stopped a WORLD of hurt. In so much as I have the power, I want to be that ONE. For my children, for the people I deal with in my life.
For my ex, it meant saying "NO MORE!" to his treatment. His life is significantly different now, and he's found he can't always have his way and bully everyone around. He lost his power when I stepped out of the equation. My saying no gave my children the power to say no as well, and now they're not afraid of him. He can't push them around and has to deal with them as human beings. I wish to GOD my MOTHER had said no to my dad's ruling us with his rage. And on and on it goes.
>>>I guess then in those instances your allowing yourself to be hurt is your half of the responsibility?<<<
No, I think it's all my responsibility. He has responsibility for what he did to, and he that is his problem if he wants to deal with it. For me, if I had stood up for myself and not moved to California and not let him charge on my credit cards, he couldn't have done what he did to me. I gave him the power to use me. I could have prevented it, but I didn't, and I take full responsibilty for that.
>>>I do look at what other people do and judge it by my own standard if it's someone who wants to be involved with me or a friend, etc.<<<
I would do this too. The difference (I think) is that I would not call them bad for having different goals or values than me. I would call them out to serve their own interests and that's just fine, I'm out to serve my own interests too. If mine happen to be different, so be it. It doesn't make me good and them bad, it just makes us different.
Oh yes, people do bad things and that is their burden to bear. I just don't say I am less responsible because someone else shares the responsibility. I am 100% responsible for what I do and the consequences, and other people are 100% responsible for their stuff. I guess it is where we draw the line. I think if someone is going around slapping people that is bad, and that is where there are laws against battery and abuse, so yes, I might judge someone and call them 'bad.' But I don't think wanting to avoid committment and marriage is bad. If you don't want it, you'd make a bad marriage partner anyway. Even if you don't want committment, you should still be entitled to have sex with others, as long as you are open and honest about what you are in it for and the sex is between consenting adults.
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