STALLING????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
STALLING????
16
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 2:01pm

Hi Ladies,

I've been dating a man exclusively for the past 10 months and I'm really starting to wonder as I haven't met his kids ages 11 and 14 yet. While he has met mine, ages 2 and 3 1/2, my kids adore him and I think he's quite fond of mine.

I am pretty sure our relationship is headed in the long-term department and we had a conversation last night as we've been "talking" about meeting his kids for at least 3 months. My kids and I spend a lot of time with him and my kids have things at his house. My daughter has a Dora the Explore bubble blower and last night he told me one of his kids asked "dad, why do you have a Dora bubble thing?" I think he failed to give them a response and brushed it off. His daughter has also found my daughter's swimsuit and asked her dad the same question. Ok, he tells me his kids know something is up but he has never come out with it. I asked him, when are you going to tell the kids about me and he responded "when the time is right?" Now isn't that vague??? When the time is right??? What 10 years from now when the time is right???

As of right now, none of his family, friends, co-workers, nor his kids know about me........you get the picture. I basically don't exist. So the question remains, do I stay with the man and keep wondering "if" and when I'll ever meet his kids? I certainly do not want to invest all this time to find out, I meant nothing more to him and his intentions were never true on me meeting his kids. OR do I set a time with him, lets say Christmas of this year which gives us 3 months and tell him if it doesn't happen by then, I'm walking??? Wouldn't that be harsh? I really can't have him keep "talking" about it and never following through. It's becoming quite annoying to be sitting around and waiting!!!

Any help ladies? Suggestions??? Don't be afraid to tell it to me like it is!! Is he just full of crap???

-Vanessa

Vanessa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: natntyler
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 2:29pm

How often does he see his kids? What does he do with them when they are together? How long has he been divorced?

On the positive side, his kids are preteen and set in their ways and not so adoring for everything mom and dad unlike your toddlers/preschoolers - so maybe it is easier for him to keep it all separate and keep his own time with his kids instead of sharing it. He might not see himself mixing all of you at this time. Men are usually creatures to take the path of least resistance - and why upset the apple cart if you don't have to?

On the negative side, from all I have seen and read here, it is never that great of a sign when the man you are dating keeps you in a separate compartment. It sort of means you have no future or he doesn't see one with you. I mean 10 months without ever seeing them once is sort of not so good. And him evading his kids' questions is not that great.

It is probably one of those things where it might not be going in the direction you want but is too soon to throw in the towel.

I don't think I would give him an ultimatum with a deadline - but it might not be a bad idea to have a date in your own mind. Using the holidays is so dramatic - holiday times tend to be depressing for those of us who are not married - and having to break up with someone after Xmas or having Xmas come and not get what you want might throw you over the edge emotionally.

I think for now what I would do, barring better advice from someone else here of course, is to pull back a bit and try to find out if he really wants to introduce you or wants to wait and why is he waiting and what has he done in the past. Remember that timing is important so try to bring it up when you feel appropriate.

I don't have a lot of experience of dating a man with kids so I do not feel I can be of that great of a help - I am hoping the others who have been in your shoes will help you. We do have Mark, a single dad with older kids, here so I am sure he will shed a lot more light than me. Each situation and parent is really different so there is not really a tried and true method.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
In reply to: natntyler
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 4:07pm

I don't know if I'd say he's full of crap, but the fact that he's dating is obviously bothersome to him.

You've been dating for almost a year and his kids still don't know you exist. How long has he been seperated from their mother? What kind of relationhip does he have with her?

His kids are plenty old enough, in my opinion, to know that their father dates. I think they probably suspect something- why else would he have a little girl's bathing suit and toys there? Children aren't stupid.

I don't know why he's stalling, but the fact that he doesn't mention you to anyone at all in his life tells me there's something he's not comfortable with. I don't think it's you- I think he doesn't like himself very much, doesn't like his own situation, and he's ashamed of something.

If I were you, I'd start planning things to do with him that involve others, and see if he's game. If he doesn't want to introduce you after nearly a year to anyone he knows, I'd be concerned. I'd also be doing lots of things without him and getting on with my life- not waiting for him to come to the conclusion that you're worth it.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Moody, who refuses to hide in closets


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Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: natntyler
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 4:30pm

So if that bothers you then why don't you bring it up with him? If you want to be brought into his life then why don't you ask to be included on something specific like making a "date" to go out together with his kids? Set a date and place and do it.

I am all for direct communication. If it bothers you then say it. If you want to meet the children/friends/family then make a specific date.

IF he waffles, refuses, etc. then you can have another discussion. This is important for you then communicate on how important it is for you and why.

Make sense?

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
In reply to: natntyler
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 6:20pm

To shed more light on this situation, I have to add his kids are from two different marriages. His daughter is 14 and his son is 11. He sees his daughter every other weekend and he sees his son 2x a week plus every other weekend. He's what we call the "Disneyland" dad if you know what that means. He is in the process of having the divorce and the settlement done.

You know I've always had that gut feeling that him not introducing me to his kids nor does anyone know about me is not a good sign but I don't necessarily want to throw in the towel just yet. Well, at a certain point, enough is enough and although hard to leave him, I must make a choice at some point and just walk away. I want so much with this man but he has to want it too.

The reason why I have mixed emotions is because we do communicate and talk about meeting the kids but it seems time after time, it never happens. I am beginning to feel left out and I will be honest with you, I've had many conversations with him, it seems almost every month where I feel like I want to walk away from this completely but somehow I'm drawn back in and the cycle continues. I'm feeling that way again, meaning, it's time for a "talk" again. Of course, I am scared.

We've talked about moving forward together and that seems to be the direction and I think he's terrified of his ex wife knowing. Are we really moving forward? Sometimes things look promising and sometimes they don't. We've talked about potentially meeting the kids gosh, maybe 3-4 months ago on several occasions and it still hasn't happened. I'm feeling another month would be a good time to see if he's really going to do it. Like you said, the holiday's aren't a great time to break-up with someone and I agree. Waiting until after the holidays may be too long for me because it will be over a year by then. Is a month too short of a time to see if he'll come through?

Maybe an ultimatum is not the right idea so how do I express to him that basically, I won't wait around to see if he's actually going to have me meet the kids. It does sound selfish to tell him that because I know he has some things to work out with his ex but on the other hand, if he's just keeping me around as a crutch, I won't have that either.

This message board has been great, all of the people here offer great and different advice all from their own experiences. I come here when I feel stuck and no one else will understand. This is my safe space to vent and hopefully get my questions answered.

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
In reply to: natntyler
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 6:54pm

I'd have to agree with you Moody, it does seem like dating is quite bothersome for him. You've pretty much said it all......it's not me, I think he's not comfortable of his situation. I've talked with him on many occasions and that seems to come to mind. He also seems terrified of his ex wife. You're right, he is ashamed of something. I think maybe he failed as a husband twice???

To shed some light about his relationship, he has two kids from different marriages, his daughter is 14 and his son is 11. He has a civil relationship with his 1st wife and his 2nd wife, let's just say they're having issues surrounding this. The divorce is in the process but not yet finalized. They have been separated for almost 2 years but the divorce papers were processed in March of this year. This has been a red flag for me since I found out, it turns out he is still supporting his ex wife who doesn't work 100%, he still pays for all her bills, expenses, trips, and you name it. Is this weird? I've asked him about it and it just seems odd to me, more like he's afraid of cutting her off??? I told him, basically, nothing has changed in your relationship with her only that you've moved out. Does this shed more light into the way he's acting for you?

He's told me that his kids know something is up and have asked about my kids things, but he avoids answering them, giving them indirect answers. The fact that his kids know, why not just come out and tell them??? They'll put it all together eventually right? He's told me, he'll tell them about me "when the time is right." I mean what the hell does that mean? I could wait forever until the "time is right" if you know what I mean. His kids know he talking to someone every night because he "disappears" for 45 minutes and if we don't talk he's always e-mailing me and saying "I wish you were here!" We've talked about meeting the kids for 3-4 months now, all talk no action. How much longer do I wait?

The big milestone for us was when he came to my sister's wedding July of this year. I gave myself a mental deadline - if he didn't come to the wedding, it would say a lot about how he feels after all we have been dating for 8 months as of the wedding. But he came and that meant a lot to me, it showed me he wasn't afraid to meet my WHOLE family. Since then, we haven't' done much that involves others. I have a feeling he's still scared about running into people he knows then having to explain to them his situation or worse, people might judge him.

So the questions remains, how do I express how I feel without making it sound like an ultimatum??? How do I tell him, I feel left out? He hasn't introduced me to his friends, co-workers or his family? The truth is, I am afraid to walk away but feel that when enough is enough, I have to ultimately walk away from him, after all, I still have my whole life ahead of me. I think he'll come around when his divorce is finalized but what if he doesn't?

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
In reply to: natntyler
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 7:41pm

Hi Mark,

Believe me, we've had conversations about this issues for months now. We've talked about meeting his kids 3-4 months ago and it has never happened.

In fact we've sort of made a "date" only to have it fail. It isn't often that we have our kids on the same schedule so a few months back, I think it was spring break and he had his kids and I had mine for a whole week. We said something like, "wow, wouldn't it be cool to run into each other at a certain place?" Well, he talked about going to an amusement park with his kids and we only have a few nearby. So the choices were obvious. It was one of the two. It was sort of implied (stupid of me to think that way) that we were going to run into each other at Six Flags so I packed the kids up thinking today would be the day, it turns out, his kids decided on the other park so there I was alone with two toddlers in tow feeling so stupid!!! Now, the time he does go to Six Flags, he beats around the bush about it (probably in fear that we'll show up) and sends me an e-mail message that the kids decided to go to Six Flags while he's already there. We've also talked about taking the kids to a SF Giant's baseball game but has that ever happened? NO!! His actions are telling me he's really avoiding it but his words are different.

So far there have been a few times when we have our kids on the same weekend and it would have been great to finally get together but chance after chance, they pass us by and it really feels like it's never going to happen. I feel so left out in his life. He's said he'll tell the kids about me "when the time is right?" What does that mean? We have had plenty of chances to meet and time after time, they pass us by. He said his kids know something is up so why not come out with it???

The question remains, how do I express this to him while being assertive and not making it sound like an ultimatum? Enough is enough and it's getting to that point. I don't know how much longer I can wait because if you've read some of the other responses to this post, 10 months is concerning to the fact that no one knows about me. Let's say I have another conversation with him, letting him know why it's important to me to be brought into his life, how long do I wait before I throw in the towel? If no effort is made, I really have to walk away because this guy is just wasting my time. My objective is not to pressure him and like I said, it's not meant to sound like an ultimatum but it may come out that way. Basically, I want to say, "hey, if it doesn't happen soon, I'm walking." I want to give him all the time he needs but I feel, he's had enough time to decide if this is what he wants and if he's going to beat around the bush all the time, I won't have it. I don't know how to have this conversation with him with my intention to leave if things don't change. I want to get the message across that, I won't stick around if he continues to beat around the bush.

Vanessa
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: natntyler
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 8:13pm

he question remains, how do I express this to him while being assertive and not making it sound like an ultimatum?

How? I like the Marshall Rosenberg's Non Violent Communication model. Tell how you are feeling (ex. I am feeling sad, unconnected) and the need that is not being meet (ex. because I am needing acceptance, to be seen) and the request (ex. and therefore I am requesting that I am introduced to your children, friends, family by this date).

It CAN seem like an ultimatum but really it's all about taking care of your needs. That's his problem if he hears it like that. You can keep using the "I" word and what YOU need.

"I really need to be part of your family and circle of friends for me to really be committed in this relationship. I am ready and if you are not then that's OK but I have to take care of my own needs. If you are not up to doing this by end of this month then I have to make other choices for what I want to do for taking care of my own emotional and relationship needs."

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: natntyler
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 10:48pm
From a single dad's standpoint I cannot for the life of me understand why he has not told his kids about you. I would think he would want to share all of the happy things in his life with his children. The fact that he has not yet done this would be a huge source of worry if I were in your shoes. Ten months is more than enough time for him to have worked out how he will introduce you into his kids' life. Something seems wrong there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
In reply to: natntyler
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 11:23pm

Hi!

I value your input as a single dad. I've been asking myself lately, should I stay in this relationship? I've invested 10 months and have grown quite close to this man as have my children. If you've read some of my other responses to other people in this thread, it may give you more insight into this.

We've talked about meeting his kids for months and it has yet to happen. In fact, last night, his kids found a Dora the Explore bubble blower and they asked him who it belonged to and he didn't give them a direct answer. As he's told me, his kids know something is up as they have seen my daughter's swimsuit and some of my son's toys. Plus, we talk almost every night and he walks away for 45 minutes so, they know he's not going into the garage to "fix the car" you know?

If his kids know, why not just come out with it to them and tell them dad is seeing someone? His kids are teenagers, how would they take it? We talk about how much his kids would love my kids and vice versa so why not just do it?

For me, I am willing to walk away from this and move forward and I'm a little hesitant to give it more time, if you know what I mean. I'll set a mental deadline for myself, probably a month and if things don't get better, I'll throw in the towel because we just had a talk last night about meeting the kids once again and if he doesn't follow through soon, I'm out of here. He said he'll tell them "when the time is right?" What does that possibly mean???

Being a single dad, would being scared of your ex wife prevent you from introducing your kids to your new girlfriend? Would fear of "what would she do if she found out" stop you from introducing your kids?

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: natntyler
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 12:53am

"Being a single dad, would being scared of your ex wife prevent you from introducing your kids to your new girlfriend? Would fear of "what would she do if she found out" stop you from introducing your kids?"

While I don't have any details of any discussions you have had with him about his ex, it seems like she is still exerting some kind of influence on him. What she thinks or how she would react should in no way affect whether or not he wants to tell his kids about you. You also mentioned that they were teenagers. If anything I would think they would be more understanding of the situation than a younger child.

I have a 9 year old daughter and a 13 year old son and the minute I decided someone I was dating might be a long term prospect I would introduce them to each other. Any kind of relationship where hiding things and being evasive is involved is not a healthy foundation to build anything long lasting on. Keep us posted!

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